Yo No Se

Ok, so I've been having a rough week. It's kind of been up and down, but things have leveled off.  I've done a lot of cleaning, cooking and baking. A bit of meddling too, which I'm not proud of.  When you see a bunch of people wandering aimlessly through traffic, you do what you can to help.

In the last few days I've made:

• lasagna
• garlic bread
• oatmeal chocolate chip cookies
• red velvet cupcakes
• cream cheese frosting
• roasted red potatoes
• mashed potatoes
• burgers
• and tonight, a meatloaf
• also, salad

My sister also helped me clean almost my whole house. It feels so nice.

I owe approximately $2,650 to the hospital and doctors who performed my surgery. That's more than a third of what I make in a year right now. I should get used to cooking at home because I can't afford to get pre-made food or eat out. I put the first check in the mail today. I wish I had a way to supplement my income a little. I think I could probably sell jams pretty easily, but in Illinois they have to be sold at a farmer's market.  That kind of narrows down my access to customers.  People who shop at a farmer's market are easily capable of making their own jams. My house isn't nice enough to babysit in. I'm not that great at sewing clothing. I don't have my own car. I need to brainstorm...

Tonight

So I have PCOS. I recently had surgery to remove a cyst outside my right ovary. I was so scared. Up until a few days before, I thought it was going to be no big deal. They do this all the time. As the day drew near, not even those thoughts could relax my restless anxiety.

I think the surgery made the reality of my life more clear to me. I'm damaged goods. It wasn't enough that I was already a husk of a person, but now I am literally, physically damaged. I have the scars to prove it. It could potentially be very difficult for me to have children. I was born to have kids. It's who I am. I know it. Everyone who knows me knows it.

So now, if I ever want to settle down and get married it will have to be with a person who can reassure me that I'm not alone when I almost constantly feel overwhelmingly alone. On top of that, they will have to be ok with the fact that I might never be able to conceive and carry a child. Which means he would have to be cool with either never having kids or adoption. I guess men who are ok with adoption are exceedingly rare.

Which makes me feel more alone.

It's not fair for me to assume that my boyfriend knows I feel this way. I don't say it out loud. It's not fair for him to choose video games/tv/movies over me either. I don't think I could make it any more clear that I  feel like he doesn't love me very strongly. So now, after all this stuff, I'm scared I will really be alone. I want him to love me like I love him so badly. I want him to see the pain I'm in and be empathetic. I want him to want to be spend time with me like I want to spend time with him because it might just be the two of us forever.

I'm crying silent tears right now. While he plays video games downstairs. I don't want to tell him because I don't want to be needy. I just feel broken.