Tonight

So I have PCOS. I recently had surgery to remove a cyst outside my right ovary. I was so scared. Up until a few days before, I thought it was going to be no big deal. They do this all the time. As the day drew near, not even those thoughts could relax my restless anxiety.

I think the surgery made the reality of my life more clear to me. I'm damaged goods. It wasn't enough that I was already a husk of a person, but now I am literally, physically damaged. I have the scars to prove it. It could potentially be very difficult for me to have children. I was born to have kids. It's who I am. I know it. Everyone who knows me knows it.

So now, if I ever want to settle down and get married it will have to be with a person who can reassure me that I'm not alone when I almost constantly feel overwhelmingly alone. On top of that, they will have to be ok with the fact that I might never be able to conceive and carry a child. Which means he would have to be cool with either never having kids or adoption. I guess men who are ok with adoption are exceedingly rare.

Which makes me feel more alone.

It's not fair for me to assume that my boyfriend knows I feel this way. I don't say it out loud. It's not fair for him to choose video games/tv/movies over me either. I don't think I could make it any more clear that I  feel like he doesn't love me very strongly. So now, after all this stuff, I'm scared I will really be alone. I want him to love me like I love him so badly. I want him to see the pain I'm in and be empathetic. I want him to want to be spend time with me like I want to spend time with him because it might just be the two of us forever.

I'm crying silent tears right now. While he plays video games downstairs. I don't want to tell him because I don't want to be needy. I just feel broken.

She's Different When it's Just Me and Her

My sister has been working at the movie theater that my boyfried works at. He is her supervisor which is a little funny seeing as she is the boss at home. I'm not sure what hours he gives her there, but I know she does get regular shifts. She often requests days off via text message instead of going through the proper channels and somehow she thinks she can just pick and choose her holiday hours.

All this being said, I am still very proud of her. I'm glad she has a job and that she's made friends there. She hasn't really figured out how to make her paychecks stretch, but I think that just takes time. All in all, I'm glad she has a job.

I am not, however, glad she found her second job. Don't get me wrong, I am impressed that she is taking that kind of initiative, but her schedule is kind of screwing us all over. If I had my own car, I think everything would work out. I don't have my own car so we have to share one. The problem is that the kids need to be to school at 8, I need to be at school or work (depending on the day) at 9, and she needs to be to my uncle for her second job at 9:15. All of us need to be in different corners of the county.

After my sister finishes that job, she sometimes needs to go to her first job, if I have school then I need to be to work while she is far away working, and the kids need to get picked up from school. Usually she was the driver/child picker-upper.

To make this schedule change work, two things would need to happen:

1. I would need my own car so she could take the one we share to her various jobs and school.
2. Someone would need to pick up my little brother from school or he would have to go to after school care. My little sister can take the bus home and she can watch herself.

I have started saving up for a car, but there is only so much I can save. Getting a loan is impossible. It's going to take some time. Until then, I have no idea what we are going to do. But I can't wait for my new car!

Without the Sour the Sweet Wouldn't Taste

Alright school's officially out and I've lost that "Leaping Lizards, It's Summer" feeling. That's not to say I'm unhappy with my summer, I'm just being much more responsible than I envisioned. For example, I have a 40+ hour work week, but I get to play with kids all day. Crazy kids, but kids none the less. Or. It's hot as hades outside, but the storms are so wonderful I could lay out in the rain for hours.

Also, I've discovered that cleaning is very cathartic. I've never enjoyed organizing so much in my entire life. In this magical sea of discoveries, I've also noticed that I have way too many shoes. It's nearing disgusting. They are all, of course, beautiful shoes, but there are just so many. I've created quite the Goodwill pile as well. Lots of clothes. Not nasty old gross clothes, alot of them are nearly brand new. Which disgusts me even more that I never wore them. Some thrifty cool person will buy them and enjoy them, I'm sure.

In addition, I have sunburn. It doesn't hurt, but it does feel like it's officially completely summer. So tommorow I'll have some sweet tan lines and feel all teenagery. Speaking of, I need some teenager time. I am either surrounded by kids or adults. Where are all my peeps?

Party tommorow! I need to go clean...pish.

I Don't Want to Grow Up, I'm a Toys R Us Kid

You know those days when you feel all grown up and responsible and blah blah blah daily grind for life? I was having one of those days today until one simple question brought me back to happy little Katie times.

"Are you playing Monopoly with us?" - Jack

It was like shooom! I'm 8 again. As far as history goes, I've been hanging with the same 3 people for about 12 years. It's me, Becca, Jordon, and Jack. 12 whole years of weekends. At first those weekends consisted of me and Becca riding our bikes and playing with Barbies while the boys did silly cootie boy things. Slowly it progressed to going to the park and swimming in Jack's pool. From there we played football and made forts to playing Star Wars Monopoly and watching movies in my basement. Now we hang, go out, vacation, anything together.

I'm not going to lie, I missed the Monopoly days. They were simple and easy, hilarious and fun. Over the years there have been secondary group members, but always the same core people. I think sometimes people didnt get it, they didnt understand how we all (3 siblings, and a neighbor) got along so well. Honestly, I'm not sure. We are us and we are forever.

I'm not going to say we are close, we have our pairings for that, but we have each other's backs. We can stay up and talk or not talk at all, we can criticize and not be disregarded, we can be ourselves and not worry about being judged.

These are the people I can have mud fights with and not feel like an idiot, I can actually be an idiot and not worry. It's nice to have a place to be a kid even when everywhere else you have to be a grown up.

good day ~ why do all my posts have Tally Hall references?

so today was a good day. yeah im confused too. haha. ok not really. it was just one of those days when you feel like you just brushed your teeth, but it lasts the whole day. you know that feeling you have right after you brushed those pearly whites and you know you could take on the world and win.

the wierd part is that the way it started off was kinda sucky, but i liked it. i got up at that ungodly hour and got out of bed late, and unrested. i call the kids and tell them to put their shoes on while im rummaging through everything trying to find my skirt. so i throw on my new grey tights and my awesome navy skirt, find my gray polo and throw on the berks. oh great the kids are watching some dumb show about dinosaurs and i have to be the bad guy and pull them away from it. then as they are finally listening, im getting my books together and saying goodmorning i get some goodmornings i wasnt expecting.

then we all get in the car a cool half an hour late, but miraculously, there is no traffic. OH MY GOD. amazing. so im hauling down the highway and i can tell my tire is flat, but there is no stopping now. i drop the kids at the babysitters and im on time to my parking spot. miracle again. so i get out of the car, get my bags, and surge out into the blizzardy bliss for two blocks. not entirely bad mainly because me and snow are the best of buds.

so i get onto my school grounds by crossing from the end of a cul-de-sac to the school drive. of course its been plowed and there is that little mound of snow on the edge of the roads. i cleverly use a drive way on the cul-de-sac to avoid the first, but oh no there is the second. just to put this in perspective, ive been walking for two blocks concentrating all my will on not slipping and not getting snow in my clogs. this small snow mountain is my worst enemy at the moment. so i see that i cant just step over the snow mountain, i must mount the beast. so i take the step and oh thank you jesus it holds. for a second. so down plunges my tight and clog clad foot into two and half feet of frigid hell. i quickly step out and as soon as i think im home free, i slip.

it is probably the single most graceful fall ive ever had. i didnt make some obnoxious noise, i didnt fall in a wierd position. it was the chain of miracles again. i laugh and i get up and proceed to the last gym class of the semester where all that awaits me is a badminton test. of course i breeze through it. duh its badminton. i get out of the class first because im first done and i get up to my locker and put my stuff away, finish my biotechnology homework and eat my muffin. good freaking morning.

i spent all of english talking to some frizzles while im supposed to be studying for half of my final tommorow. they said i need to write a book on my life. they would buy it, score for 3 copies sold! i had forgotten to do my government homework so i throw together one of the most awesome responsible citizenship poster ever, my teacher is even impressed. little does she know....then im off to world religions where i get to listen to my old spanish teacher's husband discuss Islam. quite enlightening. art was actually tolerable, my pot is almost done, im naming it the beast. it is quite beastly. math was good, my teacher let me leave to register to vote for the primaries. christian lifestyles half sucked, half interesting. biotechnology, well we watched a movie about Watson, half of Watson and Crick the pair that discovered the double helix, he is crazy. he said:

Some people say we are playing god. Well I have a straightforward answer. If we dont play god, who will?

i messed around in the hall for about 20 mins and even got a ride to my car. oh rapture. i dont know why it was such a good day, but it was.