Nobody's Perfect

I know it sounds selfish that I want people to be proud of me.  I never felt the need to impress anyone, but when you are there for someone through their drama and successes you expect it back.  That's called friendship. So when I got this new job that was a really big deal to me, I thought that certain people would be interested and supportive. I was wrong. It's like it doesn't even register to them that this is a big deal. Not all of us want to be famous.  I don't need my ego fluffed, I just want a reciprocal friendship. I don't think that's a lot to ask. Especially since I coddle people's emotions all the time. Maybe I don't need to coddle them. Maybe if I stop they will see there are other people in the world with goals and feelings.  Just because those things are different doesn't mean they are wrong, either.

I am really enjoying this new job, but it's like my house fell apart while I was there. No one did any dishes for a week. Not one. The dishwasher doesn't work if you don't turn it on. No one cleaned anything.  I work 7 days a week now and I'm not going to have the time or energy to clean constantly like I did before. It might not have even looked like I was, but I was.  It's part of growing up that you have to contribute to your little group. I don't understand why it's only me doing these things.

I feel like a burden when I have to get a ride to or from work, but I do some dropping off and picking up too.  Then I come home and do a week's worth of dishes and laundry all the while fuming about the lack of recognition or interest.

I'm worth something. I contribute. I try so hard and I feel like no one gives a shit.

Instead of being proud of me for getting a job I worked hard to get, it's like everyone just sees it as a lower expense for them.

I'm worth something.
I'm worth something.
I'm worth something.

Don't Let Me Get Me

So my last post was really emotional. I don't think there is anything wrong with that.  I would like to say that I'm trying to deal with these new emotions and so far it hasn't been very successful. I don't know anyone who has dealt with something similar and I have no experience with this either. Up until this point I've had a fairly clean bill of health.

Now all I do is question everything and everyone. Now that my future is fuzzier than ever, what else has changed?  Maybe my relationship isn't what I thought it was or maybe I'm crazy. Maybe my family isn't what I thought it was. My friends are far away and stressed out enough with their own lives. How am I supposed to vent about my quarter life crisis?

My first instinct is to flee. I've been moving from house to house my entire life so maybe I feel like I need a fresh start. Maybe if one thing is changing in my life it gives me an excuse to act irrationally to change everything else. I think I just need reassurance. That there is someone in the universe whose happiness relates to mine. Someone whose kisses feel like love, not obligation. Someone who listens to my frustrations with empathy instead of defensiveness. Someone who holds me at night because they want to not because I've asked. I want to be someone's first choice before everything else in spite of my craziness and defectiveness. I want to look into someone's eyes and see they think I'm something else, something special. I need someone to save me from myself.

Tonight

So I have PCOS. I recently had surgery to remove a cyst outside my right ovary. I was so scared. Up until a few days before, I thought it was going to be no big deal. They do this all the time. As the day drew near, not even those thoughts could relax my restless anxiety.

I think the surgery made the reality of my life more clear to me. I'm damaged goods. It wasn't enough that I was already a husk of a person, but now I am literally, physically damaged. I have the scars to prove it. It could potentially be very difficult for me to have children. I was born to have kids. It's who I am. I know it. Everyone who knows me knows it.

So now, if I ever want to settle down and get married it will have to be with a person who can reassure me that I'm not alone when I almost constantly feel overwhelmingly alone. On top of that, they will have to be ok with the fact that I might never be able to conceive and carry a child. Which means he would have to be cool with either never having kids or adoption. I guess men who are ok with adoption are exceedingly rare.

Which makes me feel more alone.

It's not fair for me to assume that my boyfriend knows I feel this way. I don't say it out loud. It's not fair for him to choose video games/tv/movies over me either. I don't think I could make it any more clear that I  feel like he doesn't love me very strongly. So now, after all this stuff, I'm scared I will really be alone. I want him to love me like I love him so badly. I want him to see the pain I'm in and be empathetic. I want him to want to be spend time with me like I want to spend time with him because it might just be the two of us forever.

I'm crying silent tears right now. While he plays video games downstairs. I don't want to tell him because I don't want to be needy. I just feel broken.

I Think I Wanna Marry You

If one more person accidentally refers to my boyfriend as my fiance I may lose it.  He has NOT put a ring on it.  We've been together for 2 1/2 years and we live together and we are in love, but we aren't engaged yet.  Would I be opposed to it? No. Am I clamoring for it to happen? No.

I'm happy.  I get to wake up every morning with him sleeping next to me.  He has this blue mouthguard that I make him use, and he looks like a little baby when he is asleep.  He knows when I wake up and he will roll over and cuddle me in his sleep.  He does little cute things that he doesn't realize he is even doing.  He has this manly factor where he takes care of me, but sometimes he's a little tiny bit sensitive.  If I refuse to sleep with anything more than a sheet, he'll put a comforter on me once I'm asleep.

My family nearly demands that he be at every holiday and family event.  Even my sister likes him. Not easy.  So I'd be happy to be married one day soon or not so soon.  These Freudian slips are just freaking me out.  It's up to us when we get married, and I don't think I need to be impatient about it.  I'm only 22 for fuck's sake!

I Can Be Loathsome, I Can Wholesome

I've been home for an hour, and usually I don't stay up this late. I can't get to bed, and I'm not sure why. I keep telling myself it's the heat. Maybe it isn't? I think the summer heat brings out reality for me. Summer is so full of anticipation and hope and it makes me nervous. It makes me wonder about the mistakes I've made. About things I did that I don't think are mistakes, but seem wrong all the same.

I want to walk across the street and into the lake and just swim for a while. In the middle of the night. That would be relaxing.

I can't just go back to my bed and lay in the heat and think about everything. I'll lose my mind.

I keep talking about moving forward, but I'm not sure that I'm ready. I keep doubting everything for no reason. This is so stupid. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Why do I think so hard about every damn tiny little thing? It's going to be my downfall one day.

Remember when you are young and love is desperate and intense and crazy and idiotic? Your whole life is made or broken in a matter of instances and in some odd way it feels like it's normal? Everything stays exciting, but it also gets real and you are suddenly responsible for not only this other new person, but everyone that contacts your relationship. Then your love compared to their love and their old loves and your old loves and you wonder which is most correct.

Then you look at your love and you are so happy and relaxed and that teenage you is like, "Why didn't I have that? It's not so scary."

How do people that make the right choices make them? Is it just an impulse or instinct or do they really think it through? Is it wrong to consider your options before deciding or is that calculating? Can you be smart without being a shrew?

Back and Forth

Today I watched The Notebook. I used to think it was the paramount love story of my generation. I can see why the girls of my age love it. Ryan Gosling is super hot. They reconnect after nearly a decade apart, even though she is engaged to another man. It gives a girl hope that true love will win out, against all odds. If that's not love, what is?

I'll you what love is. Love is when the girl is a rancorous bitch. When she is upset with you, but refuses to tell you why. Instead of walking away in frustration or yelling or blaming her you take her in your arms and tell her you love her. You refuse to leave until you are sure that she is sure you love her.

That, my friends, is love. Happy Valentine's Day.

Love Affair

I am definitley not where I thought I would be a year ago. It's list time. Things in my life I didn't think I'd have right now last year:

1. A full-time job
2. A live-in boyfriend
3. A smartphone
4. A macbook
5. Contentment
6. Organization
7. A feeling I should change my major
8. Objectivity

I Built You a Home in My Heart

In my life, I've been forced to move around a lot. I haven't put down roots in a home for more than 2 years, ever. It's gotten to the point where I don't even see the point of unpacking my books or most of my clothes because I'll just have to pack them up again. Because of this nearly habitual moving, I rarely make plans or commitments.

Every time I move, the powers that be claim it will be the last time for a long time. This doesn't instill a lot of trust. All of these things, in combination with other experiences, have led me to be a distrusting flake. Not ideal if you want to have any kind of meaningful relationship.

However, I've been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half. We don't make plans, we decide what we are doing that day and the day goes. I trust him completely because he tells me the truth about everything. Sometimes even things I didn't want to know. We are open books and for that, I know we work.

He's the stability in my life. I can make commitments now. So even though I don't feel like my house is a home, I am at home with him.

Cause I Saved a Few and I Keep Them in a Jar

I always thought that when I fell in love it would be with one person forever. Yeah, for today's standards, that seems pretty naive. I am, however, the kind of person that makes a decision and sticks with it. So, when I fell in love the first time I was sure that he would be my first, and only, love.

I didn't happen that way.

I could go on for days about what happened and how I feel about it, but today is just like every other day and I don't feel like thinking about it. As of right now, I have a boyfriend. I love him very much. He's another subject I could go on and on about, but I'll spare the internet the details.

He and I have a lot in common. Sense of humor. Brains. Movies. Goals. He makes me happier than I thought I would ever be. We don't have everything in common, though. I think if we did we would get bored of each other pretty quickly. I think one pretty shocking thing is that I love to read and he would rather not.

That's the only part of my old relationship I really miss. Few of my friends can appreciate the smell of a new book, or finding something truly intriguing at the bookstore. Every time I find a new book that I love, I never know who to share it with. That's the whole point of books in general. Sharing.

There have been a few solid attempts at a book swap, but everyone gets so busy that it's hard to make time for appreciating a book as it should be appreciated. The books just sit there. I'll admit that I still have a few piled up from Christmas, but I have been slowly but surely making my way through them.

I guess this has just been on my mind. I need someone to share books with.

Fastidious and Precise

My little pumpkin patch is under the weather and I can't make her better. She is super adorable laying on the couch, though. It's kind of sweet when she looks up at me with my same eyes. I wish she was still little so I could scoop her up and rock her to sleep like I used to.

It breaks my heart when she says she isn't pretty. She has curly, red hair and the cutest smile. Once boys her age figure out girls don't have cooties, she'll be beating them away with a stick. If I let her out of the house. :)

I'm Not Together but I'm Getting There

Slowly, my emotions are inversing. The ratio of sadness/hurt to happiness is slipping towards the positive. I think I just need to let go. Let go. Let go. I can't make anyone see things my way. I guess it just depends on your frame of mind. It makes me sad that I'll probably lose an old friendship and a newer one too, but sometimes people walk away and you have to let them.

The world doesn't revolve around me, I know that. How could I expect other people to put my emotions before thier own? You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. You have to think of your own happiness before you can make someone else happy. I've said this before and I'll say it again, sometimes you have to be selfish.

However, sometimes being selfish comes with consequences. Those are the things you need to consider. Pros and cons. I understand it can be very tricky. Outside factors and all that.

People make decisions and that's that. You can't change the decisions you've made in the past, you can only affect the ones you are going to make. I choose the path of least resistance. I choose to step back and focus on the things in my life I can be a part of wholly. I will spend time on the things that make me happy. I do spend time on the things that make me happy.

I was the consequence, do not regret me. Do not try to undo what happened or pretend everything is ok. Everything is not ok. Best friends to aquaintances. It's happened before, it'll happen again. I want you to be happy, but I don't think that includes me.

I'm not completely back together, but I'm on my way.

I Held Onto You For As Long As I Could

You know how fucked up my dad's marriage is? He talks shit about his own wife to his children and has to give me money in secret. He knows how she treats us, and how fucked up in the head she is. He is still with her.

Alot of people speculate about most aspects of their marriage. Such as why they are still together, why she is so rude to my sister and I, why my dad and her son don't get along, what attracted them in the first place. I know all the answers.

1. My little brother. They both have some guilt over their previous divorces. Maybe they don't miss thier exes, but it's hard on kids no matter what anyone says.
2. She is jealous of the relationship Becca and I have with our dad. When we are there, the spotlight isn't on her.
3. She acted as if when my father admonished her son, he was being cruel or uncharacteristically rude to him. He never treated my stepbrother any differently than he would have treated us.
4. I think her boobs, not sure. She's dumb as a rock.

My stepmom has been digging at me for more than three years now and she is finally starting in on my sister. Previously, Becca refused to see how rude Mary was to me, but now that the heat is on her she understands. Hindsight is 20/20.

She is why I never go there anymore.

Nothing's Gonna Change My World

A lot has been going on lately. Sometimes I don't know who I can talk to because everyone seems to have an opinion about what I should do and who I should love. How I should love. How should I love? Tell me, do you really think you go to hell for having loved? I really need to know.

I'm so past happy it's not even funny, 99% of the time. It's that 1% that's killing me. Why do I feel a little guilty? It's not like I didn't make myself available.

Perhaps I don't feel guilty, maybe I feel unwanted. Burned. I needed this. I need this now. I put myself out there and got a little hurt. This time, I let it come to me and I'm appreciated. I'm doted on a little. I'm paid attention to. Two way streets are pretty nice.

I know it's wrong to compare two very seperate situations. Two very different people. It's human nature, though, to speculate.

Waking up in the morning to someone who isn't who you thought they would be, but loving every second of it anyways. It's a conflicting feeling, one I never knew existed. This is the time and this is the place to be alive.

P.S. This is my 100th blog post. Yay me.

The World Has It's Shine

I really should have seen this coming. I think what surprised me most is that it was the exact opposite of what you used to tell me, to reassure me. Maybe I was blinded by how happy I was or maybe I never thought you would do something like that. I don't know.

I'm not mad, I understand. I agree, even. I am just very sad. You probably don't want to read this, you probably won't read it. I bet you told yourself not to. Whatever, it's here anyways.

You really are my best friend. Not talking to you is very hard for me, but I will respect this decision. At first I was a little angry that you decided this all on your own. Why didn't you talk to me about it? You can't choose these things for me.

He was sitting there with me when I got those texts, but I didn't have the heart to tell him what they said. I just summed it up. It was so late and I couldn't decide whether or not to cry or fume or just accept it or what.

For the past couple days I've been thinking about it and I decided you were right. It wouldn't be fair at all, we would be doomed from the start. I'm glad you knew it because I certainly didn't. Sometimes I wish you were here to talk to about all this new stuff, but how freakishly inappropriate would that be?

I want to know how you are. I want to know how you felt when I told you. I'm not going to ask you. I'm not going to call or text you or email you. I desperately want to.

I got those tickets taken care of, FYI.

I'm not trying to bait you into contact, this is just the only way I can sort through all this for myself. I'm going to be fair to him and to you and to myself.

Maybe in a few months, once I feel secure, I'll throw you a line. It will be up to you to respond, but don't for one second think that those texts will be the last things you hear from me, you can't get rid of me that easily.

She Was Born to Be the Woman I Would Know

I'm an independent person. I'm going to do things that maybe don't sit well with people. I think that I'm trustworthy enough to be left to my own devices. Most of the things I do, I do for me.

That being said, I don't always think about what other people with think or feel about me. Some people find this to be an attribute, others a fault. Either way, it won't change that I walk boldly forward with whatever I decide.

Some things I don't do alone and I do consider the other person. Sometimes these things are sensitive. For me. Regret isn't something I want to feel after the life I've led. I'm done looking back and feeling sick about what has occurred. That's why I do what I want when I want. I'm tired of worrying.

Things That Have Changed About Katie:

• Regret
• Appearances, specifically what other people think of me, not so much physical
• Drama, I don't create and I don't partake
• I used to be pretty high strung, not so much anymore
• I used to let things get to me, but circumstances have dictated that I either let things go/roll off my back or be consumed with overwhelming stress
• Now, Katie is priority one. I love my family and my friends, but I just can't pander to them all.

This may all sound a bit cynical or harsh, but I don't think I would be able to survive much more of the crap I've had to deal with in the last year if I didn't thicken my skin a little. I still love everyone, and I still care. Sometimes you have to just take care of yourself first, before you can think about what other people need.

I'm still the same girl, just a little smarter but at the same time a little more guarded. Lots of things have shaped me to be who I am now. Most of them bad, but quite a few marvelous.

If You Say Goodbye Today, I Ask You to Be True

Indecision is something that people face everyday. It could be simply muffin or bagel? It might be as complicated as teacher or doctor? I understand indecision. I face it everyday, we all do.

The hardest aspect of it is when indecision involves the life of someone else. Then we have to consider their needs and emotions. That is sometimes forgotten. We think only of ourselves. It's not that we don't care about the others, of course we do! It's that we assume either A) they want us to do what we want despite any concerns we may have or B) we forget they will be affected by our choices.

What happens when you are the other person? When someone else makes a decision that impacts your life? I'll tell you what happens. You accept it. Whether or not you like it, you accept it. You think to yourself, they don't know how much it hurts you, and you choose to keep it to yourself, the pain. Why bring them into it? They should be happy, they should get what they want.

It happens. It happens to me all the time. It happens to everyone.

Your father marries a woman who doesn't love you. Your landlord evicts your family. They just want love, they just want to stay in the black. You deal with it. You might hurt for a while, but you just keep going.

You look to the future. You decide you'll think of others. You'll treat people right. You might suffer a little, but you don't want people to hurt like you hurt everyday.

All these things are slightly painful. What hurts the most is when they go back on the choice. They decide that they made a mistake, but the damage is done. You are a little more cracked. A little more raw.

And when they go back? It hurts again. That they think you and your emotions will just bend to their will again. You can't help but just accept it again. You liked how it used to be. You convince yourself it will be the same. That love you were afraid to lose, the comfort you had, you want it so badly.

You wonder how much longer it will be until you can't take it anymore.

Split Me Right Open and Look Right Inside, There's So Many Things That I Try to Hide

I broke down today. Finally.

I didn't see it coming because my day was going so well. I woke up this morning and it was raining, you know how I love the rain. I got dressed in a rush because I had to be to work at 8:30, but I made it relatively on time. My meeting went well and afterwards I went to IHOP with a coworker who I've missed lately. We both had some time and I didn't really want to go home so we saw Observe & Report. It was OK. Classic Seth Rogan. So far so good.

The trouble didn't start until after I'd dropped her off at work. I was driving home and it was pouring and out of nowhere I started crying. I'm not sure what set me off but I just totally fell apart. After being numb inside for months, all this emotion was pouring out of me and I could barely drive. I pulled into a parking lot and just bawled. Everything that upset me rose up in my mind -- my dad, mom, step dad, stepmother, school, love, money, work, my secretly dead dog, my grandma tried to kill herself again and is now in a semiconscious state -- and I couldn't run away anymore. I'm not sure how long I sat in the car.

I've never cried like I cried today before. Just pure, unadulterated sadness. I felt totally lost. When everyone you should be able to lean on is either gone or useless, who do you turn to? Sure I have friends here, but none I'd be comfortable laying all my problems on.

Sometimes when my guard is down, I'll let a friend in on a little bit of what's going on. Usually I get a shocked/unsure look and something along the lines of, "You are so strong." They are so wrong. I'm not strong, I'm weak. I push back all the issues and pretend like nothing is upsetting me. I just go numb because I don't want to face my real life.

When things get like this, all I want to do is run away. Start completely over somewhere new. I've considered something like AmeriCorps, a service organization that will house and give you living expenses in return for up to a year of full time service. I think spending a year without personal responsibility and drama in service of others would be so healthy for me. Telling the people I love is a totally different can of worms. Which is probably why it'll never happen.

If I get any more desperate for freedom, I might just go without a lot of notice. Sometimes you have to do things for yourself.

I Know You're Gonna Find Your Way Back To Me

I just had an amazing, interesting 11 days. It was overwhelming, and amazing, and sometimes a little scary. Just getting to this point has been so unlikely. The fact that it even happened is a miracle in and of itself. Who am I to write it off?

The thought of even liking you never dawned on me. And love? Not in a million years. I wasn't ready to consider that. So when you told me you liked me I was shocked. How could that be? Why had I never thought of that? It didn't take me long to see that I liked you too. Alot. Alot more than I probably should have.


Still, it didn't really mean anything. There was nothing either of us could do about it. So we talked. Then, we talked more. When you talk to someone that much you either fall in love or start to get annoyed. I don't recall ever being annoyed. So when you dropped the L bomb, I was shocked again.

It took me some time to absorb that one. What was it, three weeks? How patient you are. It wasn't that I didn't love you, obviously I did. I just had to be ok with it before I could tell you. I was having a hard time justifying it to myself. How could I possibly love you? What kind of claim did I have to you? Once again, I said it back but there was nothing we could do. So we stayed just friends, kind of.

Half a year later, I'm on a plane to see you. I don't know how nervous you were, but the second I stepped off the plane into the hangar, I was a wreck. There was officially no turning back. What if our chemistry was a fluke? What if your family hated me? It's not like I could turn around, so I walked on. Then I saw you. You were standing there exactly like I thought you would be. Faux nonchalance.

One awkward hug and an extremely chivalrous baggage claim later, you got lost in a parking garage. And I thought you were smart...kidding. There began one of the best weeks of my life. I wouldn't change a thing. Well, ok maybe one thing, but not the thing you would change.

When I got home, I was sad, but everything went back to how it used to be. I think you had a harder time with the seperation than I did. That's how I've always been I guess. That's not to say I was happy about it, or even ok. I love you and it's hard to be apart from someone you love. Our disagreements got more and more frequent. Soon, I just wouldn't say anything because I was tired of not talking to you. I hated the awkward calls when we both knew I was mad but didn't want to actually bring it up.

Things got better, though. Your arrival was approaching and any friction we had was set aside because our happiness to be together overshadowed it. Once again, I was pretty self-conscious when I went to pick you up. I kept finding reasons this time would be different than last time. I kind of shoved those thoughts to the back of my mind so I could focus on the things I had to do. Drive. Remember where I lived. Breathe.

Looking back on the time you spent here, it was pretty up and down. Just a word to the wise, don't call a girl manly and you'll have more ups than downs. Everyone loved you though, I was so happy.

I'm not sure what we are now. I hope that we don't break and go back to what we were or end up not talking to each other. I don't want to lose my best friend. There are so many things I want to say, but I know I shouldn't. I guess we'll just have to hope that with time, it get's easier. I'll always love you.

Needle In The Hay

My room is so filled with stuff I have to plan my entrance around high tide. Today is the day, my friends, that I clean it once and for all. Laundry will be done, clothes folded, and actually put in the dresser. Amazing, I know. I'll find the few stray books not on my shelves. I might even get crazy and finish the accent painting around the top. Those stripes won't paint themselves. I can't wait to find all my CDs too. Those that need to be put on my Zune will be, too. I might even make my bed! Holy crap!

P.S. I'm in love. &&& This is the best love song ever. The Luckiest by Ben Folds. It's mesmerizingly beautiful.

Rocky Mountain High

So I just got back from this awesome vacation. All family drama aside, I had a great time and I think (other than the obvious) it was because it was 100% stress free. Of course, I loved who I was with and the mountains were gorgeous. I don't know, I think this was exactly what I needed.

However, I'm really tired. I'm going to bed. More on this later?