I find myself less and less able to lie when I want/have to. I've always been able to lie, totally believable every time. I suppose I should mention I hate lying, but am able to do it when the need arises. Maybe I'm tired of it. Lies take a wierd toll on my emotional balance.
It seems that lies and emotions are very closely tied, for me anyways. There is that little thrill when someone believes your lie or the dread that someone will find out you lied. Maybe I'm not cut out to deal with that. I like the care-free feeling of absolute honesty. I like telling my mom I need some "Katie time" or that "No, Becca, I don't want to shadow you while you shop so that you don't feel alone in a packed store. I don't have money or time to waste here." I think people think I get mean or catty, but that's not it at all. I want to be truthful. I want an honest life. I'm honest with everyone and I expect it back.
Are those expectations too high?
I have this list in my mind of all the pressing things I need to get done. I check them off as they are finished and it feels great. I finally got that list done when I realized that there are still things I need to do. I need to end all my lies. It kills me to lie anymore. I don't want to keep them up anymore. Maybe I'm being selfish, changing situations on people who think they have it all figured out. Sometimes, however, you have to take care of yourself first.
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