Nobody's Perfect

I know it sounds selfish that I want people to be proud of me.  I never felt the need to impress anyone, but when you are there for someone through their drama and successes you expect it back.  That's called friendship. So when I got this new job that was a really big deal to me, I thought that certain people would be interested and supportive. I was wrong. It's like it doesn't even register to them that this is a big deal. Not all of us want to be famous.  I don't need my ego fluffed, I just want a reciprocal friendship. I don't think that's a lot to ask. Especially since I coddle people's emotions all the time. Maybe I don't need to coddle them. Maybe if I stop they will see there are other people in the world with goals and feelings.  Just because those things are different doesn't mean they are wrong, either.

I am really enjoying this new job, but it's like my house fell apart while I was there. No one did any dishes for a week. Not one. The dishwasher doesn't work if you don't turn it on. No one cleaned anything.  I work 7 days a week now and I'm not going to have the time or energy to clean constantly like I did before. It might not have even looked like I was, but I was.  It's part of growing up that you have to contribute to your little group. I don't understand why it's only me doing these things.

I feel like a burden when I have to get a ride to or from work, but I do some dropping off and picking up too.  Then I come home and do a week's worth of dishes and laundry all the while fuming about the lack of recognition or interest.

I'm worth something. I contribute. I try so hard and I feel like no one gives a shit.

Instead of being proud of me for getting a job I worked hard to get, it's like everyone just sees it as a lower expense for them.

I'm worth something.
I'm worth something.
I'm worth something.

We Play Pretend

There have been a lot of break-ups going on around me. My sister. My roommate. A friend. It's getting a little intense. Everywhere I turn, someone is asking me what to do or how to feel or why this happened. I don't have the answers! I've only had one break-up in my life. I have absolutely nothing to compare it to and I don't know what the best outcome of a break-up is. Are you supposed to be friends? Are you supposed to hate each other? Something between? A combination of the two? So far, 2 of them have ended in very painful and emotional schisms. One is remaining a friendship (I think).

Is staying friends with an ex like leading them on? One one hand, there is a shared history.  The experiences you have with that person can never be duplicated.  The are unique and special, no matter what you do. On the other hand, something happened that separated the two of you. Something big.  Maybe you fell out of love. Maybe one or both of you did something unforgivable. Whatever it was, obviously it was big enough to move you to break-up.  I can understand not wanting to let go of an ex, but if they haven't moved on, are you leading them on? Keep them on a back burner for future use, maybe?

I don't understand relationships with someone you've already broken up with. Well, that's not entirely true. Intellectually I understand why someone would want to get back with an ex. Familiarity. Comfort. What I don't understand is why you would think it will work out this time. The trust was broken or the feelings weren't there. How do you get over that? How do you come back from that?

Take, for example, my one previous relationship.  It was a messy break-up if there ever was one! A mixture of miscommunication, blind trust, love quadrangle, and insecurity. I shared a lot with him, though. I don't just mean 'firsts', but I also mean a real friendship.  We had a lot in common.  Of course I miss having a partner that shared so many of my interests.  I just don't know how painful it would be to try friendship again. I would be scared that looking at him or hearing his voice would bring back a slew of painful memories. But he was my best friend. Who broke my heart. Maybe accidentally, but it happened.

UGH. Life is so damn complicated.

It's been more than 2 years since we stopped having anything to do with each other, but he often pops up in my mind. Mostly when I look at my little library in my living room and realize he has read more books there than my current boyfriend has - by far. He suggested a number of them to me, actually. Although so have my 2 roommates. I have quite a bit in common with them too. I think the difference is the way we see the books. My books are like my children. I arrange them lovingly and reverently, while my roommates see them as a way to pass the time. He understood how I felt.

We also had the same sense of humor. It's probably what kept us together so long, despite the distance. I think what ultimately did us in was fear and insecurity.  He didn't trust my feelings, and I was afraid that he was going to drop me at any minute. When things ended, they got even more complicated if that's even possible. I don't really want to go into it, but it was like the door to friendship was permanently sealed.

So why do I want to talk to him now? Why have I (mostly) forgiven him?  He had more than 2 years of my life. I don't want to date him again. A friendship would be nice, I think. I'm not sure. He probably doesn't want to talk to me or see me ever again anyway. Now that he is so much closer to me. IRONY.

We'll see. Maybe I'll make a new friend somewhere that loves to laugh and read the same way I do. Maybe.

Love Me Dead

One of my best friends is engaged and she asked me to be co-maids of honor with her sister. Before I had any experience with wedding planning, I thought that because most people get married that it couldn't be that complicated. I was dead wrong. There are so many things you have to consider when planning a wedding. The one major overarching component that must always be in the back of your mind is the budget.

Also, one person needs to be decisive. DECISIVE.

I Had it All but Not What I Wanted

Have you ever heard that it take half the length of a relationship up to get over the break up? I have heard that so many times, and I know people who can say that it took them half the time or less to get over their ex and the break up. I don't know if I'm just detached, but I can honestly say I'm completely over it.

I had actually thought about this before and I wondered which break up would be the one that set the rule - the romantic or the friendship. Would it take me 15 months or 3 and half years? I guess it was 15 months.

I've at least come to peace about everything, that's not to say that I'm going to call anyone up for a blissful reunion or anything. I remember the days I would cry when I came across something that reminded me of either of them. I didn't go out to my fire pit and burn all the reminders or anything, but I've moved forward.

It kind of surprises me that some random old wives tale is true, but I'm not going to knock it.

I'm Not Together but I'm Getting There

Slowly, my emotions are inversing. The ratio of sadness/hurt to happiness is slipping towards the positive. I think I just need to let go. Let go. Let go. I can't make anyone see things my way. I guess it just depends on your frame of mind. It makes me sad that I'll probably lose an old friendship and a newer one too, but sometimes people walk away and you have to let them.

The world doesn't revolve around me, I know that. How could I expect other people to put my emotions before thier own? You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. You have to think of your own happiness before you can make someone else happy. I've said this before and I'll say it again, sometimes you have to be selfish.

However, sometimes being selfish comes with consequences. Those are the things you need to consider. Pros and cons. I understand it can be very tricky. Outside factors and all that.

People make decisions and that's that. You can't change the decisions you've made in the past, you can only affect the ones you are going to make. I choose the path of least resistance. I choose to step back and focus on the things in my life I can be a part of wholly. I will spend time on the things that make me happy. I do spend time on the things that make me happy.

I was the consequence, do not regret me. Do not try to undo what happened or pretend everything is ok. Everything is not ok. Best friends to aquaintances. It's happened before, it'll happen again. I want you to be happy, but I don't think that includes me.

I'm not completely back together, but I'm on my way.

Ain't No Rest for the Wicked

What you do to me makes me want to hurt myself. Some things I wish I wasn't right about. I guess I'm not allowed to be happy. I kind of hate you. I don't think I can talk about this.

She Was Born to Be the Woman I Would Know

I'm an independent person. I'm going to do things that maybe don't sit well with people. I think that I'm trustworthy enough to be left to my own devices. Most of the things I do, I do for me.

That being said, I don't always think about what other people with think or feel about me. Some people find this to be an attribute, others a fault. Either way, it won't change that I walk boldly forward with whatever I decide.

Some things I don't do alone and I do consider the other person. Sometimes these things are sensitive. For me. Regret isn't something I want to feel after the life I've led. I'm done looking back and feeling sick about what has occurred. That's why I do what I want when I want. I'm tired of worrying.

Things That Have Changed About Katie:

• Regret
• Appearances, specifically what other people think of me, not so much physical
• Drama, I don't create and I don't partake
• I used to be pretty high strung, not so much anymore
• I used to let things get to me, but circumstances have dictated that I either let things go/roll off my back or be consumed with overwhelming stress
• Now, Katie is priority one. I love my family and my friends, but I just can't pander to them all.

This may all sound a bit cynical or harsh, but I don't think I would be able to survive much more of the crap I've had to deal with in the last year if I didn't thicken my skin a little. I still love everyone, and I still care. Sometimes you have to just take care of yourself first, before you can think about what other people need.

I'm still the same girl, just a little smarter but at the same time a little more guarded. Lots of things have shaped me to be who I am now. Most of them bad, but quite a few marvelous.

Fuck You Very Much

I wish people would just tell me what they fucking want from me. I am so tired of my "friends" and "family" acting like I'm one huge fucking let down when they are the assholes who screwed me over in the first place. I just want to slap the shit out of them. God Damn It.

Split Me Right Open and Look Right Inside, There's So Many Things That I Try to Hide

I broke down today. Finally.

I didn't see it coming because my day was going so well. I woke up this morning and it was raining, you know how I love the rain. I got dressed in a rush because I had to be to work at 8:30, but I made it relatively on time. My meeting went well and afterwards I went to IHOP with a coworker who I've missed lately. We both had some time and I didn't really want to go home so we saw Observe & Report. It was OK. Classic Seth Rogan. So far so good.

The trouble didn't start until after I'd dropped her off at work. I was driving home and it was pouring and out of nowhere I started crying. I'm not sure what set me off but I just totally fell apart. After being numb inside for months, all this emotion was pouring out of me and I could barely drive. I pulled into a parking lot and just bawled. Everything that upset me rose up in my mind -- my dad, mom, step dad, stepmother, school, love, money, work, my secretly dead dog, my grandma tried to kill herself again and is now in a semiconscious state -- and I couldn't run away anymore. I'm not sure how long I sat in the car.

I've never cried like I cried today before. Just pure, unadulterated sadness. I felt totally lost. When everyone you should be able to lean on is either gone or useless, who do you turn to? Sure I have friends here, but none I'd be comfortable laying all my problems on.

Sometimes when my guard is down, I'll let a friend in on a little bit of what's going on. Usually I get a shocked/unsure look and something along the lines of, "You are so strong." They are so wrong. I'm not strong, I'm weak. I push back all the issues and pretend like nothing is upsetting me. I just go numb because I don't want to face my real life.

When things get like this, all I want to do is run away. Start completely over somewhere new. I've considered something like AmeriCorps, a service organization that will house and give you living expenses in return for up to a year of full time service. I think spending a year without personal responsibility and drama in service of others would be so healthy for me. Telling the people I love is a totally different can of worms. Which is probably why it'll never happen.

If I get any more desperate for freedom, I might just go without a lot of notice. Sometimes you have to do things for yourself.

Pain, Can't Get Enough

I got my cartilage pierced today and it was glorious. My friend Kathie is a trained professional, I wouldn't have it any other way, and she did it for me. I suppose that makes her my drug dealer. The thing is, I love to get pierced. Please don't take that sexually because I mean it in the metal-rod-shooting-through-flesh-to-add-accesories way, not the penis-pounding-into-you kind of way. Everytime I get this done, this being the fifth time, I am filled to the brim with adrenaline and endorphins. Some have called me a masochist, others think that I'm covering an inner problem with my love of piercings. To both of them I say, touche. I do like the pain and that could be the inner problem I cover with the piercings, but I think that in the general scheme of things, I could be doing worse. I don't cut, I don't brood, I have no substance abuse problems. Plus now I can wear more bling. I see no issue.

Silly Me for Thinking Honesty is Something Given Free

I find myself less and less able to lie when I want/have to. I've always been able to lie, totally believable every time. I suppose I should mention I hate lying, but am able to do it when the need arises. Maybe I'm tired of it. Lies take a wierd toll on my emotional balance.

It seems that lies and emotions are very closely tied, for me anyways. There is that little thrill when someone believes your lie or the dread that someone will find out you lied. Maybe I'm not cut out to deal with that. I like the care-free feeling of absolute honesty. I like telling my mom I need some "Katie time" or that "No, Becca, I don't want to shadow you while you shop so that you don't feel alone in a packed store. I don't have money or time to waste here." I think people think I get mean or catty, but that's not it at all. I want to be truthful. I want an honest life. I'm honest with everyone and I expect it back.

Are those expectations too high?

I have this list in my mind of all the pressing things I need to get done. I check them off as they are finished and it feels great. I finally got that list done when I realized that there are still things I need to do. I need to end all my lies. It kills me to lie anymore. I don't want to keep them up anymore. Maybe I'm being selfish, changing situations on people who think they have it all figured out. Sometimes, however, you have to take care of yourself first.

Now If She Does It Like This Will You Do It Like That?

I've noticed that when you go through one major life milestone people start to ask about all your other ones. Probably because these are cause for reconnection. Since my recent graduation people have been peppering me with questions.

1. Where are you going?
2. What are you studying?
3. Why? Why? Why?
4. What do you want to do?
5. Why do you have so much attitude?
6. So are you engaged yet? (interesting, to me anyway)
7. Do you have a boyfriend?
8. Do you have a job?
9. Where?
10. How much do you make?
11. Why are you still there?

What sort of rights do they think they have? I find it quite interesting that people I rarely or never talk to feel themselves to be worthy of the details of my life. Oh and it gets better. They have an opinion on all of it. That's the kicker.

Sometimes I wonder if somewhere someone decided I owe some allegiance to these people. Like I have to pay them a tithing of my life. Like they have some kind of ownership of me. Obviously human beings are relational and perhaps they are trying to cultivate some kind of rapport with me, but when I tell them all of this and they form an opinion, it's all for nothing. They go home after the cake and presents and forget or write off the events of the day. Or even better. They pass on everything to people I am 100% sure I have no ties to. Days later, I get some report from my mom of my aunt's coworker's daughter's life and how it relates to mine and what I should do similarly/differently to hers.

I know what you are waiting for, though. You want the answers too, right? Of course, human beings are curious. So here goes.

1. Harper College
2. Something math related, or science.
3. I'm good at it.
4. I want to be a doctor one day.
5. It's both a defense mechanism and a source of entertainment for me.
6. No. Although that would make my life so Days of our Lives it's not even funny.
7. Nope. Not for lack of effort.
8. Yeah.
9. A movie theatre.
10. $7.50 an hour.
11. How should I know? My friends I guess.

Beating Heart, Baby

To update you my lovlies, today I took a mental health day. Basically woke up, drove my stepdad to the train, came home, went back to bed. I woke up a little later and decided I wouldn't be going to school today. I got back out of bed, drove my sister to her ride's house and went back home. I lazied about on the couch for a few hours and then decided (I have no idea why) to watch Something's Got To Give.

It was great.

After about a thousand people asking me why I wasn't at school and the movie, I took a shower. This shower, so impossibly amazing, got me thinking. If you've seen the movie I just mentioned, you might know why. Anywho, I was thinking. About life. Not the whole thing, but one aspect.

As you grow up, your parents (most likely) raise you. What does that mean, to be raised? They shape you and mold you and make you into who they think you should be. This is not only acceptable, but expected.

But then, as you get older, you start searching for other people. Friends. Lovers. What have you. This is where the rules change. No longer are other people allowed to try to mold you or change you. They should just accept you for the unique person you are. Right?

They don't though. Everyone has expectations they hold other people to. Everyone is influential whether it's intentional or subconcious. What if they say they accept you for who you are, if they believe it themselves, and then it turns out even they didn't know themselves well enough? They do want you to change. What if they don't like your pace or your choices? What do you do?

Is it that we spend our lives looking for someone who wants what we want or for someone who can accept what we want?

Oh, Wonderful Caricature of Intimacy.

This post isn't meant to be a downer, I feel much better than my last post. It just seems to me that everyone who shouldn't break up is and everyone who should isn't. It makes zero sense to me.

My friends both just got dumped, and from what I could tell, they had been happy just days before. My family, however, has this huge rift and I'm way too cowardly to say anything about it. I'm honestly concerned about my mother's happiness right now. More later, I suppose.

Move Bitch! Get Out the Way!

So here I am after school waiting for someone to do some crap for an extracurricular and I'm messing around online when my good friend Stephanie asks me quite the interesting question.

"Do you say biznitch?"
"ummm, on occasion?"
"It just seems like something you would say."

This is my life. I say biznitch and enjoy making plans with my grandma to get wasted in Canada. w00t.

Second Chances, They Don't Ever Matter. People Never Change

Ok, so most of us are unaware of what I'm about to talk about. I'm not going into details, this is more about how I feel than what actually happened.

2 1/2 ish years ago something happened to me, and I was devastated. Honestly, truthfully, whole-heartedly (or broken-heartedly) devastated. I lost a brother, a best friend, and an ally. He was in all aspects of my life. He was family and friend, protector and counselor. Sure we acted like idiots most of the time, but he had my back. Or so I thought.

I thought, foolishly, that when he got his act together, we would be together again. I was so wrong. He has since cleaned up and grown up and I'm still alone. Sure there are other people in his same position, but they just aren't the same. I see him every so often and wish with everything I am that he would just come over. I want to forgive him, I want to be friends with him again. It kills me everytime I see him that I can't run up and hug him anymore because we are both too stubborn.

May will be the 3rd anniversary of the day we parted ways. If we haven't reconiled by then, I don't know if we ever will. It's making me lonely.

You've Got a Modern Loft, and a New Tattoo of Your Own Name

Stuff I realized today:

• As much as cardio activity is annoying to do, it feels GREAT later
• If socks cover my ankles, they sure as hell better cover my entire calf, or I'll fold them down.
• I enjoy my ankle bones, and the scars that float above them.
• I love drama, and art. despite the crazies that flock to both.
• I miss reading more and more the less I do it.
• I only like the Beatles as adapted in Across the Universe and I feel like a musical idiot because of it.
• Molly does crack, but she might just naturally produce it in her body. glands or some shit.
• Brothers are better than sisters for everyday uses, but sisters are like connected to your soul.
• I'm translating Hamlet into ghetto, and I'm not even concerned that it will be a bastard abomination.

You Can Only Move As Fast As Who's In Front Of You

So today at school we had stations of the cross. For all those non-Christians out there it's basically the reenactment and/or story telling of Jesus' Passion and crucifixion. This is basic stuff for a Catholic school kid. I wasn't surprised when they said we had an assembly for it. To be totally clear, I go to a Catholic school, but that doesn't mean that everyone who goes to my school is Catholic.

Like always, I'm sitting with my friends in the senior section and the choir starts singing "Were You There?" It goes "were you there when they crucified my lord?" My friend (athiest) goes, "nope," and turns to me, "were you?" in a sarcastic tone. This really got to me.

I never judge anyone by their religion, or anything else but their actions. The fact that she sat next to me and basically mocked one of the most solemn moments in my religion irked me like you would never beleive. When I didn't answer her she repeated the question and I just looked up and gave her a half smile. I wasn't going to bitch her out in the middle of churchnasium.

This has never happened to me before. Of course I've gotten crap for being Catholic, but never have I been so hurt by it. Maybe because she is my friend and she knows why I beleive what I do. Maybe because I just expect my friends to respect me.

To the uneducated observer, you could almost call my beleif system moral relativism. It's not. There are standards I hold all people to, but they aren't specifically because of my faith. They are basic moral codes that (almost) all faiths subscribe to. I don't judge others by what they beleive in and I expect people to get to know me before they pass judgements on me. It just doesn't seem fair that after years of friendship, I get this.

My Sweetest Downfall

Life Pros:

• I'm alive
• I laugh alot
• I'm loved
• my hair is getting longer
• I figured out who my friends are
• my art project looks boss
• I'm reading some good books
• my family is around, and there for me. (even if they piss me off with concern)
• my spring break will be awesome no matter what happens
• it's getting warm out
• I'm home alone

Life Cons:

• I'm sick (again)
• someone is telling secrets
• I'm behind in school
• I dont have my own car anymore
• I'm poor
• my room is messy
• I dont know where I'm going to school
• I'm home alone

I'd Like to Say Hello, Good Day, That is My Name

Sch00l is back in session and let me tell you my friends, it has been sweet. My schedule is as follows:

1. Early Bird Gym
2. Homeroom
3. World Literature
4. Free Period
5. Adobe In Design CS3
6. Art 4
7. Advanced Concepts/Pre-Calculus
8. Psychology
9. Nothing, I have early dismissal!

Oh baby baby, it's a breeze. Seriously, I have 100% confidence that this semester will be the perfect ending to a less than stellar school career. I even got a parking space today. It was amazing. I'm doubting anything can get me down. I even ankle deeped it in a tiny snow bank and I'm chipper.

Plus, lots of guys I know got really short hair cuts and the little fuzzy hairs are fun to rub. They dont like it that much, oh well, they can deal, it's what you get for looking like a chia pet.