You know what? You can fuck off if you think I'm not worth it. You aren't a man. You are a coward. Why has it taken me so long to figure it out? Years of being let down. Decades of taking the backseat.
I've never looked at you the same way since I found out I was a mistake. You told me that it didn't change the way you felt about me. You loved me. You wanted me. So why has it never felt like that? Any real man would have taken my side. Any real man would show an interest. Any real man would show up.
You know what? A real man did. He didn't have to, but he has been there for me since I was a little girl. He taught me long division. He coached my softball team. He took care of me. Where were you? Yeah he has fucked up a few times, but you have been fucking up my psyche for 22 years. You are why I can't trust people. You are why I'm so critical.
You would think that after your father died you would see our relationship with new eyes. Not really. It's all about you, isn't it? You don't think about me.
You don't think about me. I cry about you.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
I Think I Wanna Marry You
If one more person accidentally refers to my boyfriend as my fiance I may lose it. He has NOT put a ring on it. We've been together for 2 1/2 years and we live together and we are in love, but we aren't engaged yet. Would I be opposed to it? No. Am I clamoring for it to happen? No.
I'm happy. I get to wake up every morning with him sleeping next to me. He has this blue mouthguard that I make him use, and he looks like a little baby when he is asleep. He knows when I wake up and he will roll over and cuddle me in his sleep. He does little cute things that he doesn't realize he is even doing. He has this manly factor where he takes care of me, but sometimes he's a little tiny bit sensitive. If I refuse to sleep with anything more than a sheet, he'll put a comforter on me once I'm asleep.
My family nearly demands that he be at every holiday and family event. Even my sister likes him. Not easy. So I'd be happy to be married one day soon or not so soon. These Freudian slips are just freaking me out. It's up to us when we get married, and I don't think I need to be impatient about it. I'm only 22 for fuck's sake!
I'm happy. I get to wake up every morning with him sleeping next to me. He has this blue mouthguard that I make him use, and he looks like a little baby when he is asleep. He knows when I wake up and he will roll over and cuddle me in his sleep. He does little cute things that he doesn't realize he is even doing. He has this manly factor where he takes care of me, but sometimes he's a little tiny bit sensitive. If I refuse to sleep with anything more than a sheet, he'll put a comforter on me once I'm asleep.
My family nearly demands that he be at every holiday and family event. Even my sister likes him. Not easy. So I'd be happy to be married one day soon or not so soon. These Freudian slips are just freaking me out. It's up to us when we get married, and I don't think I need to be impatient about it. I'm only 22 for fuck's sake!
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Someone Like You
It has been a long week, my friends. Mostly because my grandfather passed away on October 15 and I've been hurting and rushing around ever since.
My grandfather was a complicated man. Throughout his service and the luncheon that followed everyone kept saying, "Calvin had simple tastes." I don't think that is quite accurate. It implies that he was simple, which is the furthest thing from the truth. He had 7 siblings and he was the odd man out. While they were all straight laced children of the local Baptist minister, he walked his own path. From what I've been told he has been a heavy drinker for the last 50 years and I know that he was also a chain smoker. Once, as a small child, I went up to my Grandpa Calvin and said, "Smoking isn't good for you, you know." He replied is his deep timbre, "You aren't my mother, you don't get to tell me what to do." I shut up. Haha.
That was the thing about my grandpa, his voice vibrated in your chest. He had this voice that could scare the paint off the walls. When people meet my dad they tell me how deep his voice is, but it doesn't compare to Calvin's. It made his words leave an impression on you. He wasn't a big man, but I didn't realize that until Thursday, when he didn't say a word.
I'm not sure if it's because he was my grandpa that I wasn't afraid of him or because I naturally see through that kind of thing. (Probably the grandpa thing). I rarely saw him but we called every now and then and they were the easiest conversations to have. I'm not sure why, because we didn't have much in common, but I could talk to him at length without there ever being an awkward pause or verbal filler.
I really will miss him. He made my dad and my uncles who they are. He made me who I am.
Rest In Peace Calvin
My grandfather was a complicated man. Throughout his service and the luncheon that followed everyone kept saying, "Calvin had simple tastes." I don't think that is quite accurate. It implies that he was simple, which is the furthest thing from the truth. He had 7 siblings and he was the odd man out. While they were all straight laced children of the local Baptist minister, he walked his own path. From what I've been told he has been a heavy drinker for the last 50 years and I know that he was also a chain smoker. Once, as a small child, I went up to my Grandpa Calvin and said, "Smoking isn't good for you, you know." He replied is his deep timbre, "You aren't my mother, you don't get to tell me what to do." I shut up. Haha.
That was the thing about my grandpa, his voice vibrated in your chest. He had this voice that could scare the paint off the walls. When people meet my dad they tell me how deep his voice is, but it doesn't compare to Calvin's. It made his words leave an impression on you. He wasn't a big man, but I didn't realize that until Thursday, when he didn't say a word.
I'm not sure if it's because he was my grandpa that I wasn't afraid of him or because I naturally see through that kind of thing. (Probably the grandpa thing). I rarely saw him but we called every now and then and they were the easiest conversations to have. I'm not sure why, because we didn't have much in common, but I could talk to him at length without there ever being an awkward pause or verbal filler.
I really will miss him. He made my dad and my uncles who they are. He made me who I am.
Rest In Peace Calvin
Friday, March 4, 2011
I'm Coming Home
I spent the early evening today cooking a real dinner for my family today. That doesn't happen often. It made me feel really good. Everyone really liked the dinner I made. I made penne pasta with chicken, mushrooms and tomatoes. For dessert I made apple crisp with vanilla ice cream. It wasn't anything crazy, but I think it made a difference. My parents had planned on ordering out, but I think real meals are important. I'm going to try to cook for real more often.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
To Be Held in Shelter
I think I would get along with my family a lot better if we didn't actually live together. The only one I never fight with is my youngest sister. That's saying quite a bit since she's a thirteen year old. They are notoriously explosive. My mother complains that I seclude myself away in my room every night. "Why don't you come out here with us?" she asks. "Sometimes I just want to be alone," I reply. What I'm not telling her is that I honestly don't care to hear them editorialize Law & Order: SVU. I don't want to hear my stepdad make one jackass remark after another about anything anyone says, ever.
So I stay in my room.
So I stay in my room.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
She's Different When it's Just Me and Her
My sister has been working at the movie theater that my boyfried works at. He is her supervisor which is a little funny seeing as she is the boss at home. I'm not sure what hours he gives her there, but I know she does get regular shifts. She often requests days off via text message instead of going through the proper channels and somehow she thinks she can just pick and choose her holiday hours.
All this being said, I am still very proud of her. I'm glad she has a job and that she's made friends there. She hasn't really figured out how to make her paychecks stretch, but I think that just takes time. All in all, I'm glad she has a job.
I am not, however, glad she found her second job. Don't get me wrong, I am impressed that she is taking that kind of initiative, but her schedule is kind of screwing us all over. If I had my own car, I think everything would work out. I don't have my own car so we have to share one. The problem is that the kids need to be to school at 8, I need to be at school or work (depending on the day) at 9, and she needs to be to my uncle for her second job at 9:15. All of us need to be in different corners of the county.
After my sister finishes that job, she sometimes needs to go to her first job, if I have school then I need to be to work while she is far away working, and the kids need to get picked up from school. Usually she was the driver/child picker-upper.
To make this schedule change work, two things would need to happen:
All this being said, I am still very proud of her. I'm glad she has a job and that she's made friends there. She hasn't really figured out how to make her paychecks stretch, but I think that just takes time. All in all, I'm glad she has a job.
I am not, however, glad she found her second job. Don't get me wrong, I am impressed that she is taking that kind of initiative, but her schedule is kind of screwing us all over. If I had my own car, I think everything would work out. I don't have my own car so we have to share one. The problem is that the kids need to be to school at 8, I need to be at school or work (depending on the day) at 9, and she needs to be to my uncle for her second job at 9:15. All of us need to be in different corners of the county.
After my sister finishes that job, she sometimes needs to go to her first job, if I have school then I need to be to work while she is far away working, and the kids need to get picked up from school. Usually she was the driver/child picker-upper.
To make this schedule change work, two things would need to happen:
- I would need my own car so she could take the one we share to her various jobs and school.
- Someone would need to pick up my little brother from school or he would have to go to after school care. My little sister can take the bus home and she can watch herself.
I have started saving up for a car, but there is only so much I can save. Getting a loan is impossible. It's going to take some time. Until then, I have no idea what we are going to do. But I can't wait for my new car!
Friday, October 29, 2010
When Will it Stop?
Ok, so I have this problem with saying no. I don't like to let people down so I tend to pile a lot on my plate without thinking. Like I posted before, I got a full time job. I also took on a side job at a podiatrist office on my days off so I could get some experience in the field.
It turns out this podiatrist needs some new forms and documents made up because hers are out of date. I volunteered my layout skills and my new software for the job.
Later, my boyfriend's mom got to talking with me (for the first real time) about how her friends are doing an opera and how she's doing the costumes and can I sew? So like an idiot (or a girl looking for her boyfriend's mother's approval) I told her about my costume experience and how I have my own machine. So she delegates a few costumes to me.
Don't forget, I am still in school. None of this would be a problem if I didn't have to worry about my family. We just had a death in the family and I want to be with them to make sure they are ok. Also, I just learned that one of my high school classmates died tragically.
Both of these deaths have had different effects on me. My step-grandma's death was bittersweet. She suffered for so long, both physically and emotionally. I know she was never the same after her husband died and then her long battles with mental illness and physical illness took their toll. Now she is back with her husband and out of pain. What really pains me about all of this is how her children and immediate family are acting.
You would think that they are looking to blame her death on each other when it was really just her time. They all want control over the little things instead of comforting each other in this time.
Then there is my high school classmate. He was such a sweet, personable guy. His death could have been 100% prevented. It just goes to show how fragile our lives really are. He was so young, and I am completely shocked.
As if that wasn't enough, but my boyfriend was attacked by his brother for no reason. I think his brother is a little paranoid. I keep making him come over because I don't want him around his brother. He has enough on his plate with a medical mystery, he doesn't need a psycho beating on him every other day.
I'm a touch overwhelmed.
It turns out this podiatrist needs some new forms and documents made up because hers are out of date. I volunteered my layout skills and my new software for the job.
Later, my boyfriend's mom got to talking with me (for the first real time) about how her friends are doing an opera and how she's doing the costumes and can I sew? So like an idiot (or a girl looking for her boyfriend's mother's approval) I told her about my costume experience and how I have my own machine. So she delegates a few costumes to me.
Don't forget, I am still in school. None of this would be a problem if I didn't have to worry about my family. We just had a death in the family and I want to be with them to make sure they are ok. Also, I just learned that one of my high school classmates died tragically.
Both of these deaths have had different effects on me. My step-grandma's death was bittersweet. She suffered for so long, both physically and emotionally. I know she was never the same after her husband died and then her long battles with mental illness and physical illness took their toll. Now she is back with her husband and out of pain. What really pains me about all of this is how her children and immediate family are acting.
You would think that they are looking to blame her death on each other when it was really just her time. They all want control over the little things instead of comforting each other in this time.
Then there is my high school classmate. He was such a sweet, personable guy. His death could have been 100% prevented. It just goes to show how fragile our lives really are. He was so young, and I am completely shocked.
As if that wasn't enough, but my boyfriend was attacked by his brother for no reason. I think his brother is a little paranoid. I keep making him come over because I don't want him around his brother. He has enough on his plate with a medical mystery, he doesn't need a psycho beating on him every other day.
I'm a touch overwhelmed.
Friday, October 15, 2010
So Baby, Make a Move
So I've been working at my new full-time job at a major wireless carrier as a sales rep for 2 weeks now. Today is going to be the first day that I'll be alone there. I'm not nervous at all. Most of the people that come in are really nice and they know a lot about us already. (Aside from this one super racist cab driver that came in)
As much as I enjoy the job, it's not really in my field. I have another friend whose aunt is a doctor and she needs some help 1 or 2 days a week with paperwork. I've agreed to help out on my days off so that I can get a little tiny bit of experience in the healthcare field.
I feel like I'm checking a lot off my life to-do list. I got a MacBook for my birthday, I got a full-time job, I have active plans to move out, I got a sweet new Droid phone, I'm going to school, and I'm saving to buy a car. My sister actually yelled at me and told my I was being ridiculous for "fixing my life so fast." She was actually mad at me for taking control of my life.
My mom gets mad at me, too, for watching my own back. She thinks that I don't care about anyone else in my house. I told her that I do, but if I don't make sure I get what I need (i.e. a ride to work/school) then no one else will. She doesn't like that at all.
I am feeling good right now. Maybe I'm moving forward.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Your Father, He Said He Needs You. Your Mother, She Said She Loves You. Your Brothers, They Echo the Words.
Well that was an angry post. I'm just worn out. I like living out here, but driving to school and to work is pretty taxing. The Fiero won't start which is also kind of any issue. haha. The thing is, it's quiet here. I see my dad pretty often, which I missed. I think I need a list.
Cons for Dad's house:
Cons for Dad's house:
- Far from work.
- Far from school.
- Far from my mom's family.
- Far from Alex.
- Fiero is not working and my dad is not very sure why.
Pros for Dad's house: (I wrote "prose" at first, I laughed)
- Quiet.
- No one in my business all the time.
- I get to spend time with my brothers, I missed them.
- DAD
- I'm finding locations out here for my company to open stores. ($2,000 finders fee! each!)
- Close to my dad's family.
- Alex understands.
- My dad will fix the Fiero. Maybe find me a new car?
I wish my families didn't live so far apart. My mom said she is signing a lease on Monday so I could "come home" if I wanted to. I want to bring my company out here and I want to be successful at something. My dad told my stepmom that me living here is temporary, but I kind of want to stay indefinitely. I love my dad and my brothers, and I miss them because I can never get out here when I live at my mom's. I'm pretty torn now.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
I Left a Note and it Read: Someday You Will Be Loved
For a long time I never thought that my life was particularly trying. Maybe I was just oblivious or more laid back than I am now. Maybe I'm just worried all the time. Is that part of being an adult?
I literally laid awake last night mulling over everything I'm worried about. Mostly money issues or things related to money or things in my life that require money. Then I remembered I only had 3.75 hours last week. Fricken awesome. I'm just scared.
The lease is up on our house in September and the landlord is not going to renew it because the tard didn't pay the mortgage. So maybe I'll be living with my grandma again? I don't know if I can do that again. I love my grandparents, but the room is so small that a twin sized bed barely fits. A girl needs space.
I am scared. Really scared. I'm afraid my life will never go anywhere because I have no money to pay for the school to be secure later. I am just so fucking scared. Not something that I usually will admit freely.
My dad told me today that if I need help that I can ask him, and he'll do the best he can. I believe him, but I don't like to ask. I know that's stupid; he's my dad. I don't like to be a burden on people and I don't like asking for help. I don't like talking about it either, which is probably why I blog about my drama constantly. I feel like I'm whining or trying to do that stupid one-up "my life is so hard" shit. My boyfriend and my friends know what's going on but I still feel strange talking about it because what are they supposed to do? I'm not asking for anything and then that's just one more person worrying.
I'm scared, but I'll sort it out.
I literally laid awake last night mulling over everything I'm worried about. Mostly money issues or things related to money or things in my life that require money. Then I remembered I only had 3.75 hours last week. Fricken awesome. I'm just scared.
The lease is up on our house in September and the landlord is not going to renew it because the tard didn't pay the mortgage. So maybe I'll be living with my grandma again? I don't know if I can do that again. I love my grandparents, but the room is so small that a twin sized bed barely fits. A girl needs space.
I am scared. Really scared. I'm afraid my life will never go anywhere because I have no money to pay for the school to be secure later. I am just so fucking scared. Not something that I usually will admit freely.
My dad told me today that if I need help that I can ask him, and he'll do the best he can. I believe him, but I don't like to ask. I know that's stupid; he's my dad. I don't like to be a burden on people and I don't like asking for help. I don't like talking about it either, which is probably why I blog about my drama constantly. I feel like I'm whining or trying to do that stupid one-up "my life is so hard" shit. My boyfriend and my friends know what's going on but I still feel strange talking about it because what are they supposed to do? I'm not asking for anything and then that's just one more person worrying.
I'm scared, but I'll sort it out.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
I Was Floating Down That Riverway
So I guess I should update. I've really been trying to get on this more, it always makes me feel like I've crossed my t's and dotted my i's.
Anyway...
Work
I put my two weeks in at Showplace and started training at my new job. It is very strange to start something new. I've been at Showplace for so long, I know everthing an employee can do there so I think my new job will take some getting used to. The silver lining is no more horrifying bowties! Or idiot coworkers!
Holidays
I started my Christmas shopping, also. So far I have some clothes for my little goddaughter, but I think she needs a toy or two to play with while she looks so adorable in the clothes. I have a few gifts already picked out for some other people too. I like getting a head start, that way I won't be strapped for cash later.
Cars
The Fiero is running pretty well these days, but the Shaggin' Wagon is dead forever. It only took us 8 months for us to kill it. So as of right this second, we have a two-seater car for 6 people. Logistics nightmare.
School
I just got all my bowls back from being glaze fired and they look (mostly) awesome! Maybe I'll get some pics up here. I put my lamp in the kiln room to be fired so hopefully I'll have a lamp to glaze soon. My ceramics class has moved on to working on wheels and I am hopelessly bad at it. I work there for hours, get covered in clay and make maybe 2 successful cups. 2 not so hot cups. I guess it's ok, because they are cup shaped, but other than that...meh.
Biology was pretty hard because it was all chemistry but now we are on to genetics and DNA so I'm as happy as I could possibly be. ( a XXX female isn't as scandalous as it sounds)
Family
My cousin just had her baby so now there are five living generations of my family. It's basically awesome. Holidays are coming up so pandemonium is sure to ensue.
Afterthoughts...
I think I'll need to move out soon. Living at home just isn't smart anymore. I think it would be better (financially) for my parents if I was out of there. I don't know how I would do it, but I'll figure it out. Sooner the better.
Anyway...
Work
I put my two weeks in at Showplace and started training at my new job. It is very strange to start something new. I've been at Showplace for so long, I know everthing an employee can do there so I think my new job will take some getting used to. The silver lining is no more horrifying bowties! Or idiot coworkers!
Holidays
I started my Christmas shopping, also. So far I have some clothes for my little goddaughter, but I think she needs a toy or two to play with while she looks so adorable in the clothes. I have a few gifts already picked out for some other people too. I like getting a head start, that way I won't be strapped for cash later.
Cars
The Fiero is running pretty well these days, but the Shaggin' Wagon is dead forever. It only took us 8 months for us to kill it. So as of right this second, we have a two-seater car for 6 people. Logistics nightmare.
School
I just got all my bowls back from being glaze fired and they look (mostly) awesome! Maybe I'll get some pics up here. I put my lamp in the kiln room to be fired so hopefully I'll have a lamp to glaze soon. My ceramics class has moved on to working on wheels and I am hopelessly bad at it. I work there for hours, get covered in clay and make maybe 2 successful cups. 2 not so hot cups. I guess it's ok, because they are cup shaped, but other than that...meh.
Biology was pretty hard because it was all chemistry but now we are on to genetics and DNA so I'm as happy as I could possibly be. ( a XXX female isn't as scandalous as it sounds)
Family
My cousin just had her baby so now there are five living generations of my family. It's basically awesome. Holidays are coming up so pandemonium is sure to ensue.
Afterthoughts...
I think I'll need to move out soon. Living at home just isn't smart anymore. I think it would be better (financially) for my parents if I was out of there. I don't know how I would do it, but I'll figure it out. Sooner the better.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Ain't No Rest for the Wicked
What you do to me makes me want to hurt myself. Some things I wish I wasn't right about. I guess I'm not allowed to be happy. I kind of hate you. I don't think I can talk about this.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
I Held Onto You For As Long As I Could
You know how fucked up my dad's marriage is? He talks shit about his own wife to his children and has to give me money in secret. He knows how she treats us, and how fucked up in the head she is. He is still with her.
Alot of people speculate about most aspects of their marriage. Such as why they are still together, why she is so rude to my sister and I, why my dad and her son don't get along, what attracted them in the first place. I know all the answers.
Alot of people speculate about most aspects of their marriage. Such as why they are still together, why she is so rude to my sister and I, why my dad and her son don't get along, what attracted them in the first place. I know all the answers.
- My little brother. They both have some guilt over their previous divorces. Maybe they don't miss thier exes, but it's hard on kids no matter what anyone says.
- She is jealous of the relationship Becca and I have with our dad. When we are there, the spotlight isn't on her.
- She acted as if when my father admonished her son, he was being cruel or uncharacteristically rude to him. He never treated my stepbrother any differently than he would have treated us.
- I think her boobs, not sure. She's dumb as a rock.
My stepmom has been digging at me for more than three years now and she is finally starting in on my sister. Previously, Becca refused to see how rude Mary was to me, but now that the heat is on her she understands. Hindsight is 20/20.
She is why I never go there anymore.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
She Was Born to Be the Woman I Would Know
I'm an independent person. I'm going to do things that maybe don't sit well with people. I think that I'm trustworthy enough to be left to my own devices. Most of the things I do, I do for me.
That being said, I don't always think about what other people with think or feel about me. Some people find this to be an attribute, others a fault. Either way, it won't change that I walk boldly forward with whatever I decide.
Some things I don't do alone and I do consider the other person. Sometimes these things are sensitive. For me. Regret isn't something I want to feel after the life I've led. I'm done looking back and feeling sick about what has occurred. That's why I do what I want when I want. I'm tired of worrying.
Things That Have Changed About Katie:
That being said, I don't always think about what other people with think or feel about me. Some people find this to be an attribute, others a fault. Either way, it won't change that I walk boldly forward with whatever I decide.
Some things I don't do alone and I do consider the other person. Sometimes these things are sensitive. For me. Regret isn't something I want to feel after the life I've led. I'm done looking back and feeling sick about what has occurred. That's why I do what I want when I want. I'm tired of worrying.
Things That Have Changed About Katie:
- Regret
- Appearances, specifically what other people think of me, not so much physical
- Drama, I don't create and I don't partake
- I used to be pretty high strung, not so much anymore
- I used to let things get to me, but circumstances have dictated that I either let things go/roll off my back or be consumed with overwhelming stress
- Now, Katie is priority one. I love my family and my friends, but I just can't pander to them all.
This may all sound a bit cynical or harsh, but I don't think I would be able to survive much more of the crap I've had to deal with in the last year if I didn't thicken my skin a little. I still love everyone, and I still care. Sometimes you have to just take care of yourself first, before you can think about what other people need.
I'm still the same girl, just a little smarter but at the same time a little more guarded. Lots of things have shaped me to be who I am now. Most of them bad, but quite a few marvelous.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Baby When It's Love If It's Not Rough It Isn't Fun
I've been pondering alot lately about the state of my life. I bitch, I moan, but where does it get me? No where.
I think a little piece of me enjoys the drama. It keeps my life from getting stagnant, but mostly it bugs the shit out of me. On that note, I got some good news today. My parents met with a financial planner to help them sort out their rediculous financial situation so that maybe one day I can go back to school and make something of my life. So my siblings can live in a house as a family instead of spread around our extended family.
I'm so happy my parents are taking responsibility and taking steps to improve this massively unsavory situation. All I can do now is keep saving my money and hope to God this all pans out.
I think a little piece of me enjoys the drama. It keeps my life from getting stagnant, but mostly it bugs the shit out of me. On that note, I got some good news today. My parents met with a financial planner to help them sort out their rediculous financial situation so that maybe one day I can go back to school and make something of my life. So my siblings can live in a house as a family instead of spread around our extended family.
I'm so happy my parents are taking responsibility and taking steps to improve this massively unsavory situation. All I can do now is keep saving my money and hope to God this all pans out.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Fuck You Very Much
I wish people would just tell me what they fucking want from me. I am so tired of my "friends" and "family" acting like I'm one huge fucking let down when they are the assholes who screwed me over in the first place. I just want to slap the shit out of them. God Damn It.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Split Me Right Open and Look Right Inside, There's So Many Things That I Try to Hide
I broke down today. Finally.
I didn't see it coming because my day was going so well. I woke up this morning and it was raining, you know how I love the rain. I got dressed in a rush because I had to be to work at 8:30, but I made it relatively on time. My meeting went well and afterwards I went to IHOP with a coworker who I've missed lately. We both had some time and I didn't really want to go home so we saw Observe & Report. It was OK. Classic Seth Rogan. So far so good.
The trouble didn't start until after I'd dropped her off at work. I was driving home and it was pouring and out of nowhere I started crying. I'm not sure what set me off but I just totally fell apart. After being numb inside for months, all this emotion was pouring out of me and I could barely drive. I pulled into a parking lot and just bawled. Everything that upset me rose up in my mind -- my dad, mom, step dad, stepmother, school, love, money, work, my secretly dead dog, my grandma tried to kill herself again and is now in a semiconscious state -- and I couldn't run away anymore. I'm not sure how long I sat in the car.
I've never cried like I cried today before. Just pure, unadulterated sadness. I felt totally lost. When everyone you should be able to lean on is either gone or useless, who do you turn to? Sure I have friends here, but none I'd be comfortable laying all my problems on.
Sometimes when my guard is down, I'll let a friend in on a little bit of what's going on. Usually I get a shocked/unsure look and something along the lines of, "You are so strong." They are so wrong. I'm not strong, I'm weak. I push back all the issues and pretend like nothing is upsetting me. I just go numb because I don't want to face my real life.
When things get like this, all I want to do is run away. Start completely over somewhere new. I've considered something like AmeriCorps, a service organization that will house and give you living expenses in return for up to a year of full time service. I think spending a year without personal responsibility and drama in service of others would be so healthy for me. Telling the people I love is a totally different can of worms. Which is probably why it'll never happen.
If I get any more desperate for freedom, I might just go without a lot of notice. Sometimes you have to do things for yourself.
I didn't see it coming because my day was going so well. I woke up this morning and it was raining, you know how I love the rain. I got dressed in a rush because I had to be to work at 8:30, but I made it relatively on time. My meeting went well and afterwards I went to IHOP with a coworker who I've missed lately. We both had some time and I didn't really want to go home so we saw Observe & Report. It was OK. Classic Seth Rogan. So far so good.
The trouble didn't start until after I'd dropped her off at work. I was driving home and it was pouring and out of nowhere I started crying. I'm not sure what set me off but I just totally fell apart. After being numb inside for months, all this emotion was pouring out of me and I could barely drive. I pulled into a parking lot and just bawled. Everything that upset me rose up in my mind -- my dad, mom, step dad, stepmother, school, love, money, work, my secretly dead dog, my grandma tried to kill herself again and is now in a semiconscious state -- and I couldn't run away anymore. I'm not sure how long I sat in the car.
I've never cried like I cried today before. Just pure, unadulterated sadness. I felt totally lost. When everyone you should be able to lean on is either gone or useless, who do you turn to? Sure I have friends here, but none I'd be comfortable laying all my problems on.
Sometimes when my guard is down, I'll let a friend in on a little bit of what's going on. Usually I get a shocked/unsure look and something along the lines of, "You are so strong." They are so wrong. I'm not strong, I'm weak. I push back all the issues and pretend like nothing is upsetting me. I just go numb because I don't want to face my real life.
When things get like this, all I want to do is run away. Start completely over somewhere new. I've considered something like AmeriCorps, a service organization that will house and give you living expenses in return for up to a year of full time service. I think spending a year without personal responsibility and drama in service of others would be so healthy for me. Telling the people I love is a totally different can of worms. Which is probably why it'll never happen.
If I get any more desperate for freedom, I might just go without a lot of notice. Sometimes you have to do things for yourself.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
They're like, "Alright, what you saying? Yeah can I take your digits?"
- It's my mom's birthday. I totally forgot because I've had so much on my mind. Frickers.
- I applied for a job at H&M last night, or this morning rather, like 3 AM.
- Moving out is looking really appealing.
- I like Diet Coke, I've been drinking alot of it lately.
- My hours at work have been going back up, thank God.
- I keep getting mixed signals and maybe I'm guy retarded but my brain is all messed up.
- My great grandma is cute. Still sassy.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Bleeding Bells of Inner Guilt, Salvation Razor Thin
My mom is always on my case. She wants to know where I am, who I'm with, and what I'm doing all the time. Last night she called me at 1:30 in the morning while I was at a friends house because I wasn't home yet.
The thing is, I really don't care enough to call her to ease her worry. I'm just tired of putting up with her two-faced concern. If she is always taking my money but not paying my tuition then I don't feel obligated to ask her permission to live my life. I put gas in the car, I watch her kids, I sacrifice so she can do whatever shit she wants. Well I'm done. Forget going back to school for the spring semester, I'm getting the fuck out of there. I'm 19 and I can handle this. She can put on her fake sad face, I don't care.
She spends all her really affection on my siblings anyway. No matter what she says, I'll guarantee she still harbors feelings of blame for me. Whatever. I'm tired of being hurt.
The thing is, I really don't care enough to call her to ease her worry. I'm just tired of putting up with her two-faced concern. If she is always taking my money but not paying my tuition then I don't feel obligated to ask her permission to live my life. I put gas in the car, I watch her kids, I sacrifice so she can do whatever shit she wants. Well I'm done. Forget going back to school for the spring semester, I'm getting the fuck out of there. I'm 19 and I can handle this. She can put on her fake sad face, I don't care.
She spends all her really affection on my siblings anyway. No matter what she says, I'll guarantee she still harbors feelings of blame for me. Whatever. I'm tired of being hurt.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Shake It Off
Lately, I have felt kind of lost. or stuck. Like I've spent my whole life as this awkward, chubby, green little caterpillar and I made my chrysalis after all this bullshit and then it's finally time for me to crack it open and get the hell out and I made it too strong and now I'm stuck. I can see the freedom, I can taste the freedom, but fuck-my-life I can't get to it.
I did all the things a high schooler should do. I did the homework (mostly), I paid attention (mostly), I got a job, I did the extracurriculars, I applied to the schools. Honestly, none of it ever felt right, but I still did it. It was the right thing to do. But here I am, at home, not away like I need to be.
But on the bright side, I am in school full time and working alot. I guess by staying, I'm saving money, which is definitly necesary. I guess the whole point of this blog entry is that I'm tired of being Mom #2 and cheuffer and bread winner when that doesn't fit my station in life.
I did all the things a high schooler should do. I did the homework (mostly), I paid attention (mostly), I got a job, I did the extracurriculars, I applied to the schools. Honestly, none of it ever felt right, but I still did it. It was the right thing to do. But here I am, at home, not away like I need to be.
But on the bright side, I am in school full time and working alot. I guess by staying, I'm saving money, which is definitly necesary. I guess the whole point of this blog entry is that I'm tired of being Mom #2 and cheuffer and bread winner when that doesn't fit my station in life.
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