If one more person accidentally refers to my boyfriend as my fiance I may lose it. He has NOT put a ring on it. We've been together for 2 1/2 years and we live together and we are in love, but we aren't engaged yet. Would I be opposed to it? No. Am I clamoring for it to happen? No.
I'm happy. I get to wake up every morning with him sleeping next to me. He has this blue mouthguard that I make him use, and he looks like a little baby when he is asleep. He knows when I wake up and he will roll over and cuddle me in his sleep. He does little cute things that he doesn't realize he is even doing. He has this manly factor where he takes care of me, but sometimes he's a little tiny bit sensitive. If I refuse to sleep with anything more than a sheet, he'll put a comforter on me once I'm asleep.
My family nearly demands that he be at every holiday and family event. Even my sister likes him. Not easy. So I'd be happy to be married one day soon or not so soon. These Freudian slips are just freaking me out. It's up to us when we get married, and I don't think I need to be impatient about it. I'm only 22 for fuck's sake!
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Saturday, October 29, 2011
We Play Pretend
There have been a lot of break-ups going on around me. My sister. My roommate. A friend. It's getting a little intense. Everywhere I turn, someone is asking me what to do or how to feel or why this happened. I don't have the answers! I've only had one break-up in my life. I have absolutely nothing to compare it to and I don't know what the best outcome of a break-up is. Are you supposed to be friends? Are you supposed to hate each other? Something between? A combination of the two? So far, 2 of them have ended in very painful and emotional schisms. One is remaining a friendship (I think).
Is staying friends with an ex like leading them on? One one hand, there is a shared history. The experiences you have with that person can never be duplicated. The are unique and special, no matter what you do. On the other hand, something happened that separated the two of you. Something big. Maybe you fell out of love. Maybe one or both of you did something unforgivable. Whatever it was, obviously it was big enough to move you to break-up. I can understand not wanting to let go of an ex, but if they haven't moved on, are you leading them on? Keep them on a back burner for future use, maybe?
I don't understand relationships with someone you've already broken up with. Well, that's not entirely true. Intellectually I understand why someone would want to get back with an ex. Familiarity. Comfort. What I don't understand is why you would think it will work out this time. The trust was broken or the feelings weren't there. How do you get over that? How do you come back from that?
Take, for example, my one previous relationship. It was a messy break-up if there ever was one! A mixture of miscommunication, blind trust, love quadrangle, and insecurity. I shared a lot with him, though. I don't just mean 'firsts', but I also mean a real friendship. We had a lot in common. Of course I miss having a partner that shared so many of my interests. I just don't know how painful it would be to try friendship again. I would be scared that looking at him or hearing his voice would bring back a slew of painful memories. But he was my best friend. Who broke my heart. Maybe accidentally, but it happened.
UGH. Life is so damn complicated.
It's been more than 2 years since we stopped having anything to do with each other, but he often pops up in my mind. Mostly when I look at my little library in my living room and realize he has read more books there than my current boyfriend has - by far. He suggested a number of them to me, actually. Although so have my 2 roommates. I have quite a bit in common with them too. I think the difference is the way we see the books. My books are like my children. I arrange them lovingly and reverently, while my roommates see them as a way to pass the time. He understood how I felt.
We also had the same sense of humor. It's probably what kept us together so long, despite the distance. I think what ultimately did us in was fear and insecurity. He didn't trust my feelings, and I was afraid that he was going to drop me at any minute. When things ended, they got even more complicated if that's even possible. I don't really want to go into it, but it was like the door to friendship was permanently sealed.
So why do I want to talk to him now? Why have I (mostly) forgiven him? He had more than 2 years of my life. I don't want to date him again. A friendship would be nice, I think. I'm not sure. He probably doesn't want to talk to me or see me ever again anyway. Now that he is so much closer to me. IRONY.
We'll see. Maybe I'll make a new friend somewhere that loves to laugh and read the same way I do. Maybe.
Is staying friends with an ex like leading them on? One one hand, there is a shared history. The experiences you have with that person can never be duplicated. The are unique and special, no matter what you do. On the other hand, something happened that separated the two of you. Something big. Maybe you fell out of love. Maybe one or both of you did something unforgivable. Whatever it was, obviously it was big enough to move you to break-up. I can understand not wanting to let go of an ex, but if they haven't moved on, are you leading them on? Keep them on a back burner for future use, maybe?
I don't understand relationships with someone you've already broken up with. Well, that's not entirely true. Intellectually I understand why someone would want to get back with an ex. Familiarity. Comfort. What I don't understand is why you would think it will work out this time. The trust was broken or the feelings weren't there. How do you get over that? How do you come back from that?
Take, for example, my one previous relationship. It was a messy break-up if there ever was one! A mixture of miscommunication, blind trust, love quadrangle, and insecurity. I shared a lot with him, though. I don't just mean 'firsts', but I also mean a real friendship. We had a lot in common. Of course I miss having a partner that shared so many of my interests. I just don't know how painful it would be to try friendship again. I would be scared that looking at him or hearing his voice would bring back a slew of painful memories. But he was my best friend. Who broke my heart. Maybe accidentally, but it happened.
UGH. Life is so damn complicated.
It's been more than 2 years since we stopped having anything to do with each other, but he often pops up in my mind. Mostly when I look at my little library in my living room and realize he has read more books there than my current boyfriend has - by far. He suggested a number of them to me, actually. Although so have my 2 roommates. I have quite a bit in common with them too. I think the difference is the way we see the books. My books are like my children. I arrange them lovingly and reverently, while my roommates see them as a way to pass the time. He understood how I felt.
We also had the same sense of humor. It's probably what kept us together so long, despite the distance. I think what ultimately did us in was fear and insecurity. He didn't trust my feelings, and I was afraid that he was going to drop me at any minute. When things ended, they got even more complicated if that's even possible. I don't really want to go into it, but it was like the door to friendship was permanently sealed.
So why do I want to talk to him now? Why have I (mostly) forgiven him? He had more than 2 years of my life. I don't want to date him again. A friendship would be nice, I think. I'm not sure. He probably doesn't want to talk to me or see me ever again anyway. Now that he is so much closer to me. IRONY.
We'll see. Maybe I'll make a new friend somewhere that loves to laugh and read the same way I do. Maybe.
Friday, October 8, 2010
I Had it All but Not What I Wanted
Have you ever heard that it take half the length of a relationship up to get over the break up? I have heard that so many times, and I know people who can say that it took them half the time or less to get over their ex and the break up. I don't know if I'm just detached, but I can honestly say I'm completely over it.
I had actually thought about this before and I wondered which break up would be the one that set the rule - the romantic or the friendship. Would it take me 15 months or 3 and half years? I guess it was 15 months.
I've at least come to peace about everything, that's not to say that I'm going to call anyone up for a blissful reunion or anything. I remember the days I would cry when I came across something that reminded me of either of them. I didn't go out to my fire pit and burn all the reminders or anything, but I've moved forward.
It kind of surprises me that some random old wives tale is true, but I'm not going to knock it.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Ain't No Rest for the Wicked
What you do to me makes me want to hurt myself. Some things I wish I wasn't right about. I guess I'm not allowed to be happy. I kind of hate you. I don't think I can talk about this.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Nothing's Gonna Change My World
A lot has been going on lately. Sometimes I don't know who I can talk to because everyone seems to have an opinion about what I should do and who I should love. How I should love. How should I love? Tell me, do you really think you go to hell for having loved? I really need to know.
I'm so past happy it's not even funny, 99% of the time. It's that 1% that's killing me. Why do I feel a little guilty? It's not like I didn't make myself available.
Perhaps I don't feel guilty, maybe I feel unwanted. Burned. I needed this. I need this now. I put myself out there and got a little hurt. This time, I let it come to me and I'm appreciated. I'm doted on a little. I'm paid attention to. Two way streets are pretty nice.
I know it's wrong to compare two very seperate situations. Two very different people. It's human nature, though, to speculate.
Waking up in the morning to someone who isn't who you thought they would be, but loving every second of it anyways. It's a conflicting feeling, one I never knew existed. This is the time and this is the place to be alive.
P.S. This is my 100th blog post. Yay me.
I'm so past happy it's not even funny, 99% of the time. It's that 1% that's killing me. Why do I feel a little guilty? It's not like I didn't make myself available.
Perhaps I don't feel guilty, maybe I feel unwanted. Burned. I needed this. I need this now. I put myself out there and got a little hurt. This time, I let it come to me and I'm appreciated. I'm doted on a little. I'm paid attention to. Two way streets are pretty nice.
I know it's wrong to compare two very seperate situations. Two very different people. It's human nature, though, to speculate.
Waking up in the morning to someone who isn't who you thought they would be, but loving every second of it anyways. It's a conflicting feeling, one I never knew existed. This is the time and this is the place to be alive.
P.S. This is my 100th blog post. Yay me.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Silly Me for Thinking Honesty is Something Given Free
I find myself less and less able to lie when I want/have to. I've always been able to lie, totally believable every time. I suppose I should mention I hate lying, but am able to do it when the need arises. Maybe I'm tired of it. Lies take a wierd toll on my emotional balance.
It seems that lies and emotions are very closely tied, for me anyways. There is that little thrill when someone believes your lie or the dread that someone will find out you lied. Maybe I'm not cut out to deal with that. I like the care-free feeling of absolute honesty. I like telling my mom I need some "Katie time" or that "No, Becca, I don't want to shadow you while you shop so that you don't feel alone in a packed store. I don't have money or time to waste here." I think people think I get mean or catty, but that's not it at all. I want to be truthful. I want an honest life. I'm honest with everyone and I expect it back.
Are those expectations too high?
I have this list in my mind of all the pressing things I need to get done. I check them off as they are finished and it feels great. I finally got that list done when I realized that there are still things I need to do. I need to end all my lies. It kills me to lie anymore. I don't want to keep them up anymore. Maybe I'm being selfish, changing situations on people who think they have it all figured out. Sometimes, however, you have to take care of yourself first.
It seems that lies and emotions are very closely tied, for me anyways. There is that little thrill when someone believes your lie or the dread that someone will find out you lied. Maybe I'm not cut out to deal with that. I like the care-free feeling of absolute honesty. I like telling my mom I need some "Katie time" or that "No, Becca, I don't want to shadow you while you shop so that you don't feel alone in a packed store. I don't have money or time to waste here." I think people think I get mean or catty, but that's not it at all. I want to be truthful. I want an honest life. I'm honest with everyone and I expect it back.
Are those expectations too high?
I have this list in my mind of all the pressing things I need to get done. I check them off as they are finished and it feels great. I finally got that list done when I realized that there are still things I need to do. I need to end all my lies. It kills me to lie anymore. I don't want to keep them up anymore. Maybe I'm being selfish, changing situations on people who think they have it all figured out. Sometimes, however, you have to take care of yourself first.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
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