There have been a lot of break-ups going on around me. My sister. My roommate. A friend. It's getting a little intense. Everywhere I turn, someone is asking me what to do or how to feel or why this happened. I don't have the answers! I've only had one break-up in my life. I have absolutely nothing to compare it to and I don't know what the best outcome of a break-up is. Are you supposed to be friends? Are you supposed to hate each other? Something between? A combination of the two? So far, 2 of them have ended in very painful and emotional schisms. One is remaining a friendship (I think).
Is staying friends with an ex like leading them on? One one hand, there is a shared history. The experiences you have with that person can never be duplicated. The are unique and special, no matter what you do. On the other hand, something happened that separated the two of you. Something big. Maybe you fell out of love. Maybe one or both of you did something unforgivable. Whatever it was, obviously it was big enough to move you to break-up. I can understand not wanting to let go of an ex, but if they haven't moved on, are you leading them on? Keep them on a back burner for future use, maybe?
I don't understand relationships with someone you've already broken up with. Well, that's not entirely true. Intellectually I understand why someone would want to get back with an ex. Familiarity. Comfort. What I don't understand is why you would think it will work out this time. The trust was broken or the feelings weren't there. How do you get over that? How do you come back from that?
Take, for example, my one previous relationship. It was a messy break-up if there ever was one! A mixture of miscommunication, blind trust, love quadrangle, and insecurity. I shared a lot with him, though. I don't just mean 'firsts', but I also mean a real friendship. We had a lot in common. Of course I miss having a partner that shared so many of my interests. I just don't know how painful it would be to try friendship again. I would be scared that looking at him or hearing his voice would bring back a slew of painful memories. But he was my best friend. Who broke my heart. Maybe accidentally, but it happened.
UGH. Life is so damn complicated.
It's been more than 2 years since we stopped having anything to do with each other, but he often pops up in my mind. Mostly when I look at my little library in my living room and realize he has read more books there than my current boyfriend has - by far. He suggested a number of them to me, actually. Although so have my 2 roommates. I have quite a bit in common with them too. I think the difference is the way we see the books. My books are like my children. I arrange them lovingly and reverently, while my roommates see them as a way to pass the time. He understood how I felt.
We also had the same sense of humor. It's probably what kept us together so long, despite the distance. I think what ultimately did us in was fear and insecurity. He didn't trust my feelings, and I was afraid that he was going to drop me at any minute. When things ended, they got even more complicated if that's even possible. I don't really want to go into it, but it was like the door to friendship was permanently sealed.
So why do I want to talk to him now? Why have I (mostly) forgiven him? He had more than 2 years of my life. I don't want to date him again. A friendship would be nice, I think. I'm not sure. He probably doesn't want to talk to me or see me ever again anyway. Now that he is so much closer to me. IRONY.
We'll see. Maybe I'll make a new friend somewhere that loves to laugh and read the same way I do. Maybe.
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