We Play Pretend

There have been a lot of break-ups going on around me. My sister. My roommate. A friend. It's getting a little intense. Everywhere I turn, someone is asking me what to do or how to feel or why this happened. I don't have the answers! I've only had one break-up in my life. I have absolutely nothing to compare it to and I don't know what the best outcome of a break-up is. Are you supposed to be friends? Are you supposed to hate each other? Something between? A combination of the two? So far, 2 of them have ended in very painful and emotional schisms. One is remaining a friendship (I think).

Is staying friends with an ex like leading them on? One one hand, there is a shared history.  The experiences you have with that person can never be duplicated.  The are unique and special, no matter what you do. On the other hand, something happened that separated the two of you. Something big.  Maybe you fell out of love. Maybe one or both of you did something unforgivable. Whatever it was, obviously it was big enough to move you to break-up.  I can understand not wanting to let go of an ex, but if they haven't moved on, are you leading them on? Keep them on a back burner for future use, maybe?

I don't understand relationships with someone you've already broken up with. Well, that's not entirely true. Intellectually I understand why someone would want to get back with an ex. Familiarity. Comfort. What I don't understand is why you would think it will work out this time. The trust was broken or the feelings weren't there. How do you get over that? How do you come back from that?

Take, for example, my one previous relationship.  It was a messy break-up if there ever was one! A mixture of miscommunication, blind trust, love quadrangle, and insecurity. I shared a lot with him, though. I don't just mean 'firsts', but I also mean a real friendship.  We had a lot in common.  Of course I miss having a partner that shared so many of my interests.  I just don't know how painful it would be to try friendship again. I would be scared that looking at him or hearing his voice would bring back a slew of painful memories. But he was my best friend. Who broke my heart. Maybe accidentally, but it happened.

UGH. Life is so damn complicated.

It's been more than 2 years since we stopped having anything to do with each other, but he often pops up in my mind. Mostly when I look at my little library in my living room and realize he has read more books there than my current boyfriend has - by far. He suggested a number of them to me, actually. Although so have my 2 roommates. I have quite a bit in common with them too. I think the difference is the way we see the books. My books are like my children. I arrange them lovingly and reverently, while my roommates see them as a way to pass the time. He understood how I felt.

We also had the same sense of humor. It's probably what kept us together so long, despite the distance. I think what ultimately did us in was fear and insecurity.  He didn't trust my feelings, and I was afraid that he was going to drop me at any minute. When things ended, they got even more complicated if that's even possible. I don't really want to go into it, but it was like the door to friendship was permanently sealed.

So why do I want to talk to him now? Why have I (mostly) forgiven him?  He had more than 2 years of my life. I don't want to date him again. A friendship would be nice, I think. I'm not sure. He probably doesn't want to talk to me or see me ever again anyway. Now that he is so much closer to me. IRONY.

We'll see. Maybe I'll make a new friend somewhere that loves to laugh and read the same way I do. Maybe.

I Was Floating Down That Riverway

So I guess I should update. I've really been trying to get on this more, it always makes me feel like I've crossed my t's and dotted my i's.

Anyway...

Work
I put my two weeks in at Showplace and started training at my new job. It is very strange to start something new. I've been at Showplace for so long, I know everthing an employee can do there so I think my new job will take some getting used to. The silver lining is no more horrifying bowties! Or idiot coworkers!


Holidays
I started my Christmas shopping, also. So far I have some clothes for my little goddaughter, but I think she needs a toy or two to play with while she looks so adorable in the clothes. I have a few gifts already picked out for some other people too. I like getting a head start, that way I won't be strapped for cash later.


Cars
The Fiero is running pretty well these days, but the Shaggin' Wagon is dead forever. It only took us 8 months for us to kill it. So as of right this second, we have a two-seater car for 6 people. Logistics nightmare.

School
I just got all my bowls back from being glaze fired and they look (mostly) awesome! Maybe I'll get some pics up here. I put my lamp in the kiln room to be fired so hopefully I'll have a lamp to glaze soon. My ceramics class has moved on to working on wheels and I am hopelessly bad at it. I work there for hours, get covered in clay and make maybe 2 successful cups. 2 not so hot cups. I guess it's ok, because they are cup shaped, but other than that...meh.

Biology was pretty hard because it was all chemistry but now we are on to genetics and DNA so I'm as happy as I could possibly be. ( a XXX female isn't as scandalous as it sounds)

Family
My cousin just had her baby so now there are five living generations of my family. It's basically awesome. Holidays are coming up so pandemonium is sure to ensue.

Afterthoughts...
I think I'll need to move out soon. Living at home just isn't smart anymore. I think it would be better (financially) for my parents if I was out of there. I don't know how I would do it, but I'll figure it out. Sooner the better.

I'm Really Lucky Underneath It All

Lately, I've been having alot of firsts:

1. The first time I didn't consult my dad about a decision.


2. The first time he's ever been mad at me.


3. My first college experiences.


4. The first time I've been palpable financial supporter of my family.


5. My first flight totally alone.


6. The first time my mom has ever trusted me to do something for myself.


7. The first time I walked down the street holding the hand of someone I care about and not worrying about the barrage of questions I'll inevitably get because, for once, I really don't care who sees.


8. The first time I slept in someone else's bed, with someone who isn't related or a girl. Take that dad.


9. First kiss.

Sometimes I wonder if I put too much or too little on this blog. There is a place in my mind where I catalogue all my blog ideas and very rarely do I post them. I love that there are people who read this, but at the same time I wish no one did or I wish everyone did. I want people to know what I think or what happens to me, but I also wish everything was a secret. I guess I just want people to be interested.

Everybody's Gonna Love Today, Love Today, Love Today

I'm doing laundry and I think I just might have found the cure for everything. I know, I know, you are very welcome. No charge, I assure you. Just go do your laundry. and blog. Do that too. It feels great. Laundry and blogs. Jesus. Crack. yeah.......

Seriously, what else do we need in life more than clean underwear and getting our thoughts out of our brains? not much, that's what. psh, food is for losers. Sure my room still looks like I sleep with pigs, but do I care? Not at all because I have clean clothes and you know what I think about it. Genius. :D

Hey Drummer Boy! I Need a Drumroll Please.

So here I am, it's December 23rd. Im not worried, Im not concerned. Im downright terrified of the next 2 days. I think I might be a Christmas failure. There are 9 people in my immediate family. Guess how many gifts I have for them. Oh that's right, none. Frickers! Usually I hate the last minute shoppers and now I join their ranks. Quite the demotion, let me assure you.

I might be able to get in on a few of my sister's gifts, but she is giving a ton of people crocs and I just can't be a part of that. Say I do get in on a few of hers, that still leaves all of my siblings and my dad. Why God, why?

Solutions! Tommorow's agenda is something I can work with. I have breakfast at my grandma's and then I can shop for a few hours. I'm magical with power shopping so I should be ok. Then if I hurry I can still make it to church, then off to work for about 2 hours, change and look awesome for the rest of Christmas Eve with the Irishmen. It's gonna be tricky, but honestly, I'm so much better under pressure. ( ahh Billy Joel how I love thee).

Let's talk about how it's going to work clotheswise. Now Im not like every other girl in the sense that I put on an outfit for the day and that's it. That is what I'm wearing. Tommorow is going to be a ton different. Hopefully I can pull off pjs to breakfast, then casual, then work, then dressy. *sigh* I dont wanna. Whatever.

Am I making any sense at all? I havent all day and I dont think Im any better. Maybe it was all the drugs for the sickness, maybe it is my natural oddities. Either way, I was probably unfit for work. Yeah, work was a bad choice. I get there at 9:20. So 20 minutes late, oops. The janitors got locked out so they are cleaning as Im opening. Well kinda. Opening was bad. Im horrible at it as it is, but today was a complete joke. I'm all messed up because I medicated myself numb, and the popper is broken and the manager I have at my disposal is mediocre at best. Thank God, there are more people coming in at 10. They get there and my manager assures me I'll get off early because I'm sick and we wont be busy. liar.

I spent 8 hours in that theatre half lucid and in charge. Finally some crew leaders get there to take over the delegation aspect and one is laughing at how I am making no sense and the other keeps telling me I look funny. Little do they know, I'm actually a ton better than I was yesterday. Just still sucky. haha.

I get through my shift and come home, all I ask is that my mom brings me a shirt for under my dress and she comes home with the last thing I want. Of course I was upset. I have had a really trying day and she comes home with this and it pushes me over. She thinks that it's only the shirt, but really its everything. Things I'll tell her, things I wont.

Right now, I am the epitome of emotionally drained and now I'm all emo. hurrah. I just want to feel better because for the next 2 weeks, I'll be going nonstop. Tommorow is Christmas Eve, the most intense family day for me of the year. Then its off to my dad's family after I do Christmas morning with my mom. Then I have work until close *dies* I get wednsday off, but really, I have to pack for Wisconsin. Then work, then well, Wisconsin. Before I know it, it's 2008. Another year, that many more things I have to do. I'll bet anything it's going to be one of the best years of my life though. Silver lining baby.