Ain't No Rest for the Wicked

What you do to me makes me want to hurt myself. Some things I wish I wasn't right about. I guess I'm not allowed to be happy. I kind of hate you. I don't think I can talk about this.

I Held Onto You For As Long As I Could

You know how fucked up my dad's marriage is? He talks shit about his own wife to his children and has to give me money in secret. He knows how she treats us, and how fucked up in the head she is. He is still with her.

Alot of people speculate about most aspects of their marriage. Such as why they are still together, why she is so rude to my sister and I, why my dad and her son don't get along, what attracted them in the first place. I know all the answers.

1. My little brother. They both have some guilt over their previous divorces. Maybe they don't miss thier exes, but it's hard on kids no matter what anyone says.
2. She is jealous of the relationship Becca and I have with our dad. When we are there, the spotlight isn't on her.
3. She acted as if when my father admonished her son, he was being cruel or uncharacteristically rude to him. He never treated my stepbrother any differently than he would have treated us.
4. I think her boobs, not sure. She's dumb as a rock.

My stepmom has been digging at me for more than three years now and she is finally starting in on my sister. Previously, Becca refused to see how rude Mary was to me, but now that the heat is on her she understands. Hindsight is 20/20.

She is why I never go there anymore.

Nothing's Gonna Change My World

A lot has been going on lately. Sometimes I don't know who I can talk to because everyone seems to have an opinion about what I should do and who I should love. How I should love. How should I love? Tell me, do you really think you go to hell for having loved? I really need to know.

I'm so past happy it's not even funny, 99% of the time. It's that 1% that's killing me. Why do I feel a little guilty? It's not like I didn't make myself available.

Perhaps I don't feel guilty, maybe I feel unwanted. Burned. I needed this. I need this now. I put myself out there and got a little hurt. This time, I let it come to me and I'm appreciated. I'm doted on a little. I'm paid attention to. Two way streets are pretty nice.

I know it's wrong to compare two very seperate situations. Two very different people. It's human nature, though, to speculate.

Waking up in the morning to someone who isn't who you thought they would be, but loving every second of it anyways. It's a conflicting feeling, one I never knew existed. This is the time and this is the place to be alive.

P.S. This is my 100th blog post. Yay me.

I'm Leavin', Never Comin' Back Again

So this has come up in previous posts, but just a reminder, I finally got to Canada. It was not at all what I expected. I ended up spending all my time with my grandma and people who are old enough to be a (great)grandparent. So....not what I thought.

We left on the first and stopped in Stevensville, Michigan. I totally almost died in the shower, but I was never that graceful to begin with. The next day we finished the trip up to Ailsa Craig, Ontario. It literally took us all of 2 mins to get through customs. (my passport picture is absolutely fugly, btw)

The people we stayed with were absolute angels. The whole reason we went up there was so my grandma could see the family again. She had almost married Jim, man of few words but those few words are usually hilarious, whose 2 brothers died within a month of each other last fall. So sad. His mother lives with him there, her name is Pauli and she is a nugget if I ever saw one. She's 86 and so faithful and willful. I was impressed. I also met Mary (Jim's sister-in-law), and her two kids, Doug and Sarah. All of them were so friendly and welcoming. I felt as if I had known them forever.

As nice as they were, the conversations weren't exactly vacation talk. I now know more about birds than I ever cared to, and if I have to talk about politics anytime in the near future I will crack and stab someone. I'm sick of it.

We went to Niagra Falls briefly. The falls are beautiful, you can't even imagine. I always knew they would be big, but they are so large and powerful that there is a huge plume of mist always encircling them.

Oh! I tried Poutine. If you don't know what poutine is, it's death on a plate, but it's the tastiest death ever. You don't even know.

Two things I love about Canada:

1. Tim Horton's. Doughnuts and the best coffee I've ever had outside my own home.
2. Money. They have loonies and toonies and all the bills are so pretty and sparkly.

I'm definitely going back, I just don't know when and with whom, but it's on.