I Know I Could Never Face Someone Who Could Look Like You

So after years of tolerating my stepmom's general bitchiness and her offhand snide comments, I yelled at her. Really yelled at her. It felt good, but I knew that I burned the bridge to living at my dad's. Now I'm in my mom's new house.

She woke me up last Monday at 7 A.M. and told me I couldn't "sleep all day." I guess 7 is considered late in delusionland. I had worked pretty late the night before and I was still very tired, but in an effort to maintain what sliver of tolerance I had for her I got in the shower. I was upset that she woke me up so harshly (I don't think getting 6 hours of sleep qualifies me as a "princess") and I began to cry in the shower.

I don't cry often because it makes me feel weak. I do everything I can to hide it if I do cry. So when I began to sob uncontrollably in the shower, I knew I couldn't just walk out and go about with my day because I couldn't stop. It took all I had to keep it quiet enough so she wouldn't hear me over the water.

Once I pulled it together, I got out and got dressed and put my hamper full of dirty clothes in the washing machine. I took my dad's clothes out of the dryer and began folding them in the living room thinking I was safe from more pointless persecution since my stepmom was in my room job hunting. I was wrong. She waltzed out of my room and down the hall to the living room to ask me tersely why I wasn't living with my mother.

Now, I love my mom and I know she tries, but it's hard to live when you never know if you'll have to pack up at a moment's notice and live with a random relative for God knows how long. I thought I might stay at my dad's to maintain some kind of stability.

When she asked my why I wasn't living with my mom, the dam broke and I just yelled at her, "What does it matter? I've put up with your comments and dislike towards me for years and I'm fucking tired of it. I don't know what I did to make you hate me but I won't put up with you anymore." She then went on to tell me that I never follow the one rule she set down and I told her that even when I do follow it, she finds something else to be mad at me about.

She vehemently denied that, but I didn't expect her to own up to her own flaws. I brought up the fact that her son can come and go as he pleases and she told me that it was different for him because it's her house. I asked her, wasn't it my dad's house too? Don't I deserve the same privileges? I guess I don't, she said that she pays the bills so it's her house.

"Whose room is that back there? Whose bed is that?" I asked her.

"My room! My house, my room! I'm tired of your princess act!" She replied.

"You won't have to worry about it, I'm moving out!" I finished.

I went down into the basement and waited for my clothes to dry and cried. A little loudly, I'm ashamed to admit. I texted my dad about it and he basically replied to me with lighthearted jokes. I know he loves me and I know he wants me to stay there, but I can't. She is such a self-righteous bitch. I can't handle it.

"Where am I supposed to go where it's stable AND I'm wanted?" I asked my dad.

I Held Onto You For As Long As I Could

You know how fucked up my dad's marriage is? He talks shit about his own wife to his children and has to give me money in secret. He knows how she treats us, and how fucked up in the head she is. He is still with her.

Alot of people speculate about most aspects of their marriage. Such as why they are still together, why she is so rude to my sister and I, why my dad and her son don't get along, what attracted them in the first place. I know all the answers.

1. My little brother. They both have some guilt over their previous divorces. Maybe they don't miss thier exes, but it's hard on kids no matter what anyone says.
2. She is jealous of the relationship Becca and I have with our dad. When we are there, the spotlight isn't on her.
3. She acted as if when my father admonished her son, he was being cruel or uncharacteristically rude to him. He never treated my stepbrother any differently than he would have treated us.
4. I think her boobs, not sure. She's dumb as a rock.

My stepmom has been digging at me for more than three years now and she is finally starting in on my sister. Previously, Becca refused to see how rude Mary was to me, but now that the heat is on her she understands. Hindsight is 20/20.

She is why I never go there anymore.

So What, So I've Got a Smile On, But It's Hiding the Quiet Superstitions In My Head

I'm not going to school this semester and at first I was consumed with anger. I was angry with my mom for not being honest with me, I was angry with my dad for not keeping up with my life, and mostly I was angry with myself for not seeing this sooner. For not taking affirmative action. For not taking responsiblity.

Now, I am more at peace with it. I'm working more, I'm saving money. I found a car I might be able to buy. I've even started applying to universities again. I think that, although this situation is less than exemplary, there is a silver lining. I will go back in the summer to catch up.

That isn't to say I'm happy with it now. I'm most certainly not. However, this is something I can control, something I can fix.

Just Live Your Life

My dad still isn't talking to me but it's made me realize one very important thing. When I made the decision to go to Colorado, I knew it was what I wanted to do. I was happy, I am happy that I went. As upsetting as it is that he is mad, I am still glad I made that choice. I lived my life how I wanted to. One of very few times I have done that. I have no regrets and that feels so good. Just blissful. Content. At peace.