Don't Let Me Get Me

So my last post was really emotional. I don't think there is anything wrong with that.  I would like to say that I'm trying to deal with these new emotions and so far it hasn't been very successful. I don't know anyone who has dealt with something similar and I have no experience with this either. Up until this point I've had a fairly clean bill of health.

Now all I do is question everything and everyone. Now that my future is fuzzier than ever, what else has changed?  Maybe my relationship isn't what I thought it was or maybe I'm crazy. Maybe my family isn't what I thought it was. My friends are far away and stressed out enough with their own lives. How am I supposed to vent about my quarter life crisis?

My first instinct is to flee. I've been moving from house to house my entire life so maybe I feel like I need a fresh start. Maybe if one thing is changing in my life it gives me an excuse to act irrationally to change everything else. I think I just need reassurance. That there is someone in the universe whose happiness relates to mine. Someone whose kisses feel like love, not obligation. Someone who listens to my frustrations with empathy instead of defensiveness. Someone who holds me at night because they want to not because I've asked. I want to be someone's first choice before everything else in spite of my craziness and defectiveness. I want to look into someone's eyes and see they think I'm something else, something special. I need someone to save me from myself.

Ain't No Rest for the Wicked

What you do to me makes me want to hurt myself. Some things I wish I wasn't right about. I guess I'm not allowed to be happy. I kind of hate you. I don't think I can talk about this.

Fidelity: A Metaphor for a Sad, Sad Friend

I was born and I was whole. See, but then I grew and I began to learn. The more I grew the more I realized. Then I got a cut. I thought that like other cuts it would go away. It, however, was quite persistant. Soon it bled, and then once i felt better, it began to close. Sure over the years it broke open and bled again, always to heal, but always to scar. Then I really started learning and the more the cut reopened and bled, and less and less it healed.

One day, before I could stop it, it ripped open and I couldnt control it anymore. In an explosion of pain, I realized this would not heal at all, or at least not before alot of pain. I couldnt do anything, I couldnt say anything, just stand and wait. Trying to be as unemotional as possible in the face of my attacker.

Then I let go, and slowly but surely the cut began to close, it began to heal. So slowly. So slowly I feared that something else would come to kick me when Im down. Yes, there were bumps and the potholes of life cropped up, but no damage too extensive.

And then, without warning, the healing took off. The end was in sight, I knew I'd be whole again.

Or so I thought.

Blow after blow, the cuts just kept coming. I couldnt stop them, and I thought, foolishly, Id be ok. As long as I had what I knew I needed, Id be ok. This hole, this wide gaping burning hole refuses to close. Suddenly it starts to open more. I struggle to hold myself together. Thank god I hold fast.

Ok bad moment, its healing, but with less reassurance. it wants to close, to heal, to scar, but its afraid to waste its time if another attack is coming. My body, like me, cant see the future.
So warily it heals. I dont have to hold on.

I'll just keep on keeping on because its all I was ever good at anyway.

Just Apathy: A Tally Hall Song and My Feelings for the Day

I'm too much or not enough
maybe everyone else is messed up
well anyway I cant seem to stay
in just one state of mind
this ones done and I'm an asshole
she's in the midst of my whole hassle
cus I'm back and forth
I get bored when she's no perfect find
cus it's one thing or another
I don't even know why I bother
one thing just tears her down
cus its one thing or another
I don’t even know why I bother
one thing I just cant get around

consider the possibility that you've been had
but not by me
we're just kids don't worry about this
my course is run and I'm so tired
till the next one comes inspired
I feel bad and I should I made her sad
and I knew it would
cus its one thing or another
I don’t even know why I bother
one thing just tears her down
cus its one thing or another
I don’t even know why I bother
one thing I just cant get around
I need to learn to wait in turn
cus now I just step blindly
and I'm only happy when
I can close my eyes and I just dive in
and forget about acting kindly
cus it's one thing or another
(cus it's always one thing or another)
I don’t even know why I bother
one thing just tears her down (one thing always)
cus its one thing or another
I don’t even know why I bother
one thing I just cant get around
still I know you wont let me down

so my great-grandmother died yesterday, and I don't want to say I feel nothing, but it's true. I got my middle name from her, she made my grandpa who he is. The thing is, I never really knew her. She lived thousands of miles away. Should I still feel sad? Should I still feel remorseful that I never knew her?

This is the third time this has happened. I don't know what to do. My grandpa died when I was about 12, my grammy died a few weeks ago, and now my great-grandma. Once again, I feel nothing. The first 2 I knew, i bonded to but nothing. I am just waiting for all of the emotion to burst forth any second now, but I don't think it's going to happen.

This brings me to the thought that I am emotionally stunted. Aren't girls supposed to cry over everything? Feel more strongly? So now I am ever watchful for things that might set me off, might make me just hit the bottom. It's scary thinking that at any minute you could just plummet into sadness. Then again it's scary that I might never. That I can't. *sigh*