Take Me With You

Oh hey, I didn't see you there.

Surprise! I have to be out of my house by TOMORROW. Not September. That's just awesome. I've spent the last two days speed packing and I still have no idea where we are going. Schweet. Well I'll tell you what. I don't give a shit where my mom thinks I'm going, I'm gonna live with my dad. I don't care if my stepmom thinks it's ok to be a bitch to my face. I can't handle the stress of never knowing how and when you are going to move.

The real bitch of it is that my parents didn't even fucking tell me. I just woke up yesterday and my stepdad is packing up the tv room. No notice, just "Surprise, you have to move in two days. Yeah, we don't respect you enough to let you know what your immediate future brings."

I have packing to do.

I Left a Note and it Read: Someday You Will Be Loved

For a long time I never thought that my life was particularly trying. Maybe I was just oblivious or more laid back than I am now. Maybe I'm just worried all the time. Is that part of being an adult?

I literally laid awake last night mulling over everything I'm worried about. Mostly money issues or things related to money or things in my life that require money. Then I remembered I only had 3.75 hours last week. Fricken awesome. I'm just scared.

The lease is up on our house in September and the landlord is not going to renew it because the tard didn't pay the mortgage. So maybe I'll be living with my grandma again? I don't know if I can do that again. I love my grandparents, but the room is so small that a twin sized bed barely fits. A girl needs space.

I am scared. Really scared. I'm afraid my life will never go anywhere because I have no money to pay for the school to be secure later. I am just so fucking scared. Not something that I usually will admit freely.

My dad told me today that if I need help that I can ask him, and he'll do the best he can. I believe him, but I don't like to ask. I know that's stupid; he's my dad. I don't like to be a burden on people and I don't like asking for help. I don't like talking about it either, which is probably why I blog about my drama constantly. I feel like I'm whining or trying to do that stupid one-up "my life is so hard" shit. My boyfriend and my friends know what's going on but I still feel strange talking about it because what are they supposed to do? I'm not asking for anything and then that's just one more person worrying.

I'm scared, but I'll sort it out.

Can't Stop Looking at the Door

Various factors in the history of my life have made me that way I am today. I make a decision and that's it, end of discussion. The same goes for trust. I will trust you until you give me a reason not to. Once that happens, you can't get it back. It doesn't matter. Usually the people who get close enough to hurt me like that know better.

Honestly, it's only happened a couple of times. Recently, I've wondered if I'm being juvenile. Am I less of an adult because I can't "forgive and forget?" Less of a Christian? What about the people that hurt me? They obviously didn't care, or don't care enough now to right a wrong. So I should continuously forgive and forgive and swallow my pain? I cant do that. I'm a pretty strong person, but that would break me.

It hurts me to cut people out. I just can't have the liability of the pain again. I can't wait and wonder and bathe in my own insecurity. Maybe "adults" forgive and forget because they are too afraid to make an active choice like this. Maybe I don't want to be that kind of adult.