I Built You a Home in My Heart

In my life, I've been forced to move around a lot. I haven't put down roots in a home for more than 2 years, ever. It's gotten to the point where I don't even see the point of unpacking my books or most of my clothes because I'll just have to pack them up again. Because of this nearly habitual moving, I rarely make plans or commitments.

Every time I move, the powers that be claim it will be the last time for a long time. This doesn't instill a lot of trust. All of these things, in combination with other experiences, have led me to be a distrusting flake. Not ideal if you want to have any kind of meaningful relationship.

However, I've been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half. We don't make plans, we decide what we are doing that day and the day goes. I trust him completely because he tells me the truth about everything. Sometimes even things I didn't want to know. We are open books and for that, I know we work.

He's the stability in my life. I can make commitments now. So even though I don't feel like my house is a home, I am at home with him.

I Left a Note and it Read: Someday You Will Be Loved

For a long time I never thought that my life was particularly trying. Maybe I was just oblivious or more laid back than I am now. Maybe I'm just worried all the time. Is that part of being an adult?

I literally laid awake last night mulling over everything I'm worried about. Mostly money issues or things related to money or things in my life that require money. Then I remembered I only had 3.75 hours last week. Fricken awesome. I'm just scared.

The lease is up on our house in September and the landlord is not going to renew it because the tard didn't pay the mortgage. So maybe I'll be living with my grandma again? I don't know if I can do that again. I love my grandparents, but the room is so small that a twin sized bed barely fits. A girl needs space.

I am scared. Really scared. I'm afraid my life will never go anywhere because I have no money to pay for the school to be secure later. I am just so fucking scared. Not something that I usually will admit freely.

My dad told me today that if I need help that I can ask him, and he'll do the best he can. I believe him, but I don't like to ask. I know that's stupid; he's my dad. I don't like to be a burden on people and I don't like asking for help. I don't like talking about it either, which is probably why I blog about my drama constantly. I feel like I'm whining or trying to do that stupid one-up "my life is so hard" shit. My boyfriend and my friends know what's going on but I still feel strange talking about it because what are they supposed to do? I'm not asking for anything and then that's just one more person worrying.

I'm scared, but I'll sort it out.

There is Comfort in the Sound

I have been cleaning and ordering and organizing a lot lately. My head gets very clear when I'm cleaning. No clothes on my floor, all my books alphabetized (by author), and my bed made. It helps me cope a little. I feel better. Sometimes I can just sit on my neat bed and I don't need to be doing anything to distract myself anymore. Just let the music play in the background and relax.