Can't Stop Looking at the Door

Various factors in the history of my life have made me that way I am today. I make a decision and that's it, end of discussion. The same goes for trust. I will trust you until you give me a reason not to. Once that happens, you can't get it back. It doesn't matter. Usually the people who get close enough to hurt me like that know better.

Honestly, it's only happened a couple of times. Recently, I've wondered if I'm being juvenile. Am I less of an adult because I can't "forgive and forget?" Less of a Christian? What about the people that hurt me? They obviously didn't care, or don't care enough now to right a wrong. So I should continuously forgive and forgive and swallow my pain? I cant do that. I'm a pretty strong person, but that would break me.

It hurts me to cut people out. I just can't have the liability of the pain again. I can't wait and wonder and bathe in my own insecurity. Maybe "adults" forgive and forget because they are too afraid to make an active choice like this. Maybe I don't want to be that kind of adult.

I Hope You're Out There, Look at Me Now.

So lately I've noticed that most things I need fall more and more into my responsiblity instead of that of my parents. I'm going to go with that's a good thing. To me, it seems like they now think of me as an adult. An adult who they trust, warily.

Or I figured out I can't always depend on them for everything I need. For example, I needed textbooks. Sure my mom got me some of them, others she didn't get. I'm not even sure why she got some and not others, trust me, cost wasn't the issue there. So this semester when I needed a new book, I went out and bought it without even thinking to mention it to her. I didn't even realize I should until I already placed the order.

Sometimes it bothers me because I feel like I shouldn't have to get things like that on my own. Other times I feel like it is my job to ensure I have things like that. People trust me with their kids, so I guess I'm not much of a kid anymore as it is. Transitions are wierd feeling.

I Don't Want to Grow Up, I'm a Toys R Us Kid

You know those days when you feel all grown up and responsible and blah blah blah daily grind for life? I was having one of those days today until one simple question brought me back to happy little Katie times.

"Are you playing Monopoly with us?" - Jack

It was like shooom! I'm 8 again. As far as history goes, I've been hanging with the same 3 people for about 12 years. It's me, Becca, Jordon, and Jack. 12 whole years of weekends. At first those weekends consisted of me and Becca riding our bikes and playing with Barbies while the boys did silly cootie boy things. Slowly it progressed to going to the park and swimming in Jack's pool. From there we played football and made forts to playing Star Wars Monopoly and watching movies in my basement. Now we hang, go out, vacation, anything together.

I'm not going to lie, I missed the Monopoly days. They were simple and easy, hilarious and fun. Over the years there have been secondary group members, but always the same core people. I think sometimes people didnt get it, they didnt understand how we all (3 siblings, and a neighbor) got along so well. Honestly, I'm not sure. We are us and we are forever.

I'm not going to say we are close, we have our pairings for that, but we have each other's backs. We can stay up and talk or not talk at all, we can criticize and not be disregarded, we can be ourselves and not worry about being judged.

These are the people I can have mud fights with and not feel like an idiot, I can actually be an idiot and not worry. It's nice to have a place to be a kid even when everywhere else you have to be a grown up.