Love Me Dead

One of my best friends is engaged and she asked me to be co-maids of honor with her sister. Before I had any experience with wedding planning, I thought that because most people get married that it couldn't be that complicated. I was dead wrong. There are so many things you have to consider when planning a wedding. The one major overarching component that must always be in the back of your mind is the budget.

Also, one person needs to be decisive. DECISIVE.

For A Lifetime

Ever since my last post, I've had the song I used for title stuck in my head. It's Sweet Tangerine by The Hush Sound and it's actually a bit of a desperate song, unlike my post. I can not stop thinking about my past these days. In the days when I had first heard THS. Or even before.

I facebooked my first little kindergarten crush today. I didn't try to friend him, but it was weird knowing that after he left my school in second grade that he went on and became this dude who moved across the country and uses the N word and still kind of looks like he did when he was 5 and I would tie his shoes.

I really fucking hate feeling nostalgic. It's not because I miss the fun things I did when I was young (that doesn't bother me). It's because I feel like I'm letting the young, fun, adventurous version of me down. I had such vision, and now I'm in my third year at a two year school with no money to continue and no job. I never used to doubt myself.

In other ways, I am so glad my life is the way it is. I feel mature, but not boring. I am comfortable with myself. I'm not so full of shit anymore, either, which is a nice feeling.

I have been thinking of changing my major. I'm not sure that is really the solution for the feelings I'm having. I chose Biology because science has always been the most interesting and challenging subject for me. My career goals were to become a doctor and have this utopian practice where women could decide how they wanted to go through labor and delivery. I still think I am capable of that. My real objective for that career move is to help people who are usually glossed over.

All I really want to do is help people.

I don't think working for a charity is the way to go because in many aspects, charities are businesses and I'm not really one for schmoozing. I've been reading a book called 3 Cups of Tea. It's the story of an American man, Greg Mortenson, who is a little lost and in a grief stricken move decides to climb the world's second tallest mountain to leave his recently deceased sister's necklace at the top. On his way down after not making it to the top, he gets lost and stumbles into a very remote Pakistani village. There he sees about 80 children (only 4 are girls) doing multiplication tables in the dirt with sticks. After all they have done for him, he promises them that he is going to build them a school.

He goes back to the US, lives in his car and writes hundreds of letters trying to get some funds for the supplies. Through a lucky connection, a well-to-do scientist sends him a check for everything he needs. After many hurdles and life altering events, he gets the school built and forms a institution to build even more schools. I think he has more than 50 built now.

At the time, he was in Pakistan just as the Taliban was growing powerful. His primary goal was also to educate girls. He knew that by educating this village, and villages like it, he would help fight terrorism. There were other schools that these villages could have sent their children to, but the Taliban ran them and were indoctrinating these kids to be extremists.

Obviously, I don't plan on having that kind of impact on the world. I do want to help people. So many charities treat the symptoms and not the causes. Greg Mortenson, ironically a nurse, knew to treat the cause. I want my life to mean something, I don't want to live my life at a desk. I'm not sure how to do it.

A Little Bit of Sweetness

It's 2:15 AM. I am lying in my bed with only a sheet, no blankets. My window is open. I can hear a train horn in the distance. It's warm, but not hot. The wind is blowing in a soft breeze. Occasionally thunder bellows miles away. All those posts I've written about missing my childhood and feeling unsettled are about missing these moments. The way I feel right now is my happy place. My neighborhood. My wind. My trains.

Sometimes I feel like no one understands why I love this so much. To see the stars through my window and to feel the breeze on my skin. I feel like these nights are made just for me. It's like the world is saying, "It's all going to be ok, Katie. You will be alright. Promise."

Crest the Hill

Recently, I've started focusing on my weight and habits. I've been on a program for about 5 weeks and I've lost 7 lbs, 3 in from my waist, 2 in from my boobs (unfortunately) and 1 in from my hips. I feel like I'm in control, but not really missing anything. Most of this program is actually paying attention to what you are eating and getting off the couch every now and then. I try not to go out very often, but when I do I take a good hard look at the food. It's about more than just eating what sounds delicious. It's also about what is going to satisfy your body's needs.

Make Me Go All Out

My job search has not been fruitful. I feel like I'm qualified for most grunt work and even some slightly skilled work. I have applied for quite a few jobs, and no bites yet. I'm still optimistic.

I've applied for healthcare, retail and office jobs. I've had retail jobs, a healthcare job and I'm proficient in all Microsoft Office programs. Statistics these days are saying that there are new jobs everyday so I think eventually something will come up.

Here's to searching...