Shadows Pass Her By and Out of Sight

You know what? You can fuck off if you think I'm not worth it.  You aren't a man. You are a coward. Why has it taken me so long to figure it out? Years of being let down. Decades of taking the backseat.

I've never looked at you the same way since I found out I was a mistake. You told me that it didn't change the way you felt about me. You loved me. You wanted me. So why has it never felt like that? Any real man would have taken my side. Any real man would show an interest. Any real man would show up.

You know what? A real man did. He didn't have to, but he has been there for me since I was a little girl. He taught me long division. He coached my softball team. He took care of me. Where were you? Yeah he has fucked up a few times, but you have been fucking up my psyche for 22 years. You are why I can't trust people. You are why I'm so critical.

You would think that after your father died you would see our relationship with new eyes. Not really. It's all about you, isn't it? You don't think about me.

You don't think about me. I cry about you.

Crest the Hill

Recently, I've started focusing on my weight and habits. I've been on a program for about 5 weeks and I've lost 7 lbs, 3 in from my waist, 2 in from my boobs (unfortunately) and 1 in from my hips. I feel like I'm in control, but not really missing anything. Most of this program is actually paying attention to what you are eating and getting off the couch every now and then. I try not to go out very often, but when I do I take a good hard look at the food. It's about more than just eating what sounds delicious. It's also about what is going to satisfy your body's needs.

She's Different When it's Just Me and Her

My sister has been working at the movie theater that my boyfried works at. He is her supervisor which is a little funny seeing as she is the boss at home. I'm not sure what hours he gives her there, but I know she does get regular shifts. She often requests days off via text message instead of going through the proper channels and somehow she thinks she can just pick and choose her holiday hours.

All this being said, I am still very proud of her. I'm glad she has a job and that she's made friends there. She hasn't really figured out how to make her paychecks stretch, but I think that just takes time. All in all, I'm glad she has a job.

I am not, however, glad she found her second job. Don't get me wrong, I am impressed that she is taking that kind of initiative, but her schedule is kind of screwing us all over. If I had my own car, I think everything would work out. I don't have my own car so we have to share one. The problem is that the kids need to be to school at 8, I need to be at school or work (depending on the day) at 9, and she needs to be to my uncle for her second job at 9:15. All of us need to be in different corners of the county.

After my sister finishes that job, she sometimes needs to go to her first job, if I have school then I need to be to work while she is far away working, and the kids need to get picked up from school. Usually she was the driver/child picker-upper.

To make this schedule change work, two things would need to happen:

1. I would need my own car so she could take the one we share to her various jobs and school.
2. Someone would need to pick up my little brother from school or he would have to go to after school care. My little sister can take the bus home and she can watch herself.

I have started saving up for a car, but there is only so much I can save. Getting a loan is impossible. It's going to take some time. Until then, I have no idea what we are going to do. But I can't wait for my new car!

The Days Go On, The Lights Go Off and On

This year is flying by. March is almost over. So much has already happened. I only write in simple sentences, apparently. What have I done so far?

• Got my nose pierced, but you knew that.
  
• OH! Got arrested, you knew that too.
  
• Had late night discussions about health, politics, school, traveling and religion.
  
• Reestablished my love of Ben Folds.
• Swore off and rekindled my addiction to drinking Diet Coke.
• Got stupidly drunk. More on that to follow.
  
• Started painting.
• Dropped my Spanish class because it was getting harder and harder to make it there.
• Became obsessed with cleaning my room. Ok, maybe obsessed is a strong word, but my room is generally cleaner than it used to be.

So I said there would be more about the drunk thing and here it is. On my last birthday, my birthday wish was to see my boyfriend drunk because he had already seen me drunk and it was only fair. Then, in some sick retaliation, he makes his birthday wish for his friends to see me drunk. After some oddly strong vodka cranberries, they realized I am a complete lightweight. Also, I say some pretty stupid crap. For example, "I can't feel my teeth." Or, "Associtutes," whatever that means.

Some Strange Machines Repeating Beats and Thumping Bass

I think there is something magical about apple tank tops. I own two. Every time I where one, someone says something along the lines of, "I quite enjoy your apple tank top." Which also happens when I wear my strawberry tank. Perhaps fruits and berries have this odd effect on people. I like them.

And, I know this happens to everyone, with few rare exceptions, but my hair is getting so long. I haven't really cut it since April of 2007 when I cut a foot off. By April 2009, it'll be as long as it was when I cut it. Which brings me to the question of whether or not I should keep growing it out. By then it will be so long I won't be able to brush it from top to bottom in one stroke unless my head is upside down, which totally defeats the purpose of brushing.

I'm wearing sweatpants.

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Finally, to the point of my post. I have heard rumors of a magical combination of two of my favorite artists. Ben Folds and Regina Spektor. So basically...



+




=





It's one odd love child, but I like it. Not the video, but the song.

The Luckiest by Ben Folds Five

Love it, thought I should share.

I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here
And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest
What if I'd been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?
And in a white sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize
And I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest
I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you
Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
And passed away
I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong
That I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

We Were Born For This

Today I discovered something that, previously, I would have deemed stupid/gross/lazy to actually be extremely enjoyable. Right now, right this very second as I am posting this, I am sitting in my spinny computer chair in my underwear and my Ben Folds T-shirt. AND it's amazing. Pants you ask? for wimps I say! and now I have to get ready for work. lameness!!!