For A Lifetime

Ever since my last post, I've had the song I used for title stuck in my head. It's Sweet Tangerine by The Hush Sound and it's actually a bit of a desperate song, unlike my post. I can not stop thinking about my past these days. In the days when I had first heard THS. Or even before.

I facebooked my first little kindergarten crush today. I didn't try to friend him, but it was weird knowing that after he left my school in second grade that he went on and became this dude who moved across the country and uses the N word and still kind of looks like he did when he was 5 and I would tie his shoes.

I really fucking hate feeling nostalgic. It's not because I miss the fun things I did when I was young (that doesn't bother me). It's because I feel like I'm letting the young, fun, adventurous version of me down. I had such vision, and now I'm in my third year at a two year school with no money to continue and no job. I never used to doubt myself.

In other ways, I am so glad my life is the way it is. I feel mature, but not boring. I am comfortable with myself. I'm not so full of shit anymore, either, which is a nice feeling.

I have been thinking of changing my major. I'm not sure that is really the solution for the feelings I'm having. I chose Biology because science has always been the most interesting and challenging subject for me. My career goals were to become a doctor and have this utopian practice where women could decide how they wanted to go through labor and delivery. I still think I am capable of that. My real objective for that career move is to help people who are usually glossed over.

All I really want to do is help people.

I don't think working for a charity is the way to go because in many aspects, charities are businesses and I'm not really one for schmoozing. I've been reading a book called 3 Cups of Tea. It's the story of an American man, Greg Mortenson, who is a little lost and in a grief stricken move decides to climb the world's second tallest mountain to leave his recently deceased sister's necklace at the top. On his way down after not making it to the top, he gets lost and stumbles into a very remote Pakistani village. There he sees about 80 children (only 4 are girls) doing multiplication tables in the dirt with sticks. After all they have done for him, he promises them that he is going to build them a school.

He goes back to the US, lives in his car and writes hundreds of letters trying to get some funds for the supplies. Through a lucky connection, a well-to-do scientist sends him a check for everything he needs. After many hurdles and life altering events, he gets the school built and forms a institution to build even more schools. I think he has more than 50 built now.

At the time, he was in Pakistan just as the Taliban was growing powerful. His primary goal was also to educate girls. He knew that by educating this village, and villages like it, he would help fight terrorism. There were other schools that these villages could have sent their children to, but the Taliban ran them and were indoctrinating these kids to be extremists.

Obviously, I don't plan on having that kind of impact on the world. I do want to help people. So many charities treat the symptoms and not the causes. Greg Mortenson, ironically a nurse, knew to treat the cause. I want my life to mean something, I don't want to live my life at a desk. I'm not sure how to do it.

When Will it Stop?

Ok, so I have this problem with saying no. I don't like to let people down so I tend to pile a lot on my plate without thinking. Like I posted before, I got a full time job. I also took on a side job at a podiatrist office on my days off so I could get some experience in the field.

It turns out this podiatrist needs some new forms and documents made up because hers are out of date. I volunteered my layout skills and my new software for the job.

Later, my boyfriend's mom got to talking with me (for the first real time) about how her friends are doing an opera and how she's doing the costumes and can I sew? So like an idiot (or a girl looking for her boyfriend's mother's approval) I told her about my costume experience and how I have my own machine. So she delegates a few costumes to me.

Don't forget, I am still in school. None of this would be a problem if I didn't have to worry about my family. We just had a death in the family and I want to be with them to make sure they are ok. Also, I just learned that one of my high school classmates died tragically.

Both of these deaths have had different effects on me. My step-grandma's death was bittersweet. She suffered for so long, both physically and emotionally. I know she was never the same after her husband died and then her long battles with mental illness and physical illness took their toll. Now she is back with her husband and out of pain. What really pains me about all of this is how her children and immediate family are acting.

You would think that they are looking to blame her death on each other when it was really just her time. They all want control over the little things instead of comforting each other in this time.

Then there is my high school classmate. He was such a sweet, personable guy. His death could have been 100% prevented. It just goes to show how fragile our lives really are. He was so young, and I am completely shocked.

As if that wasn't enough, but my boyfriend was attacked by his brother for no reason. I think his brother is a little paranoid. I keep making him come over because I don't want him around his brother. He has enough on his plate with a medical mystery, he doesn't need a psycho beating on him every other day.

I'm a touch overwhelmed.

Do You Remember the Nights We'd Stay Up Just Laughing?

Do you remember the nights when your biggest concern was how many constellations you could name? Those nights that you never got tired? You talked for hours with your best friend or lover or family member. You made deep connections and slept soundly. Your schedule was nonexistent. You could lay in the grass under a shady tree and think about what things meant.

I remember those days before paychecks and bills. It wasn't so long ago. I spend time trying to regain my carefree youth. You know what is beautiful? A breeze. Sun filtering through leaves. Soft blades of grass against your skin.

I miss the days of Vans sneakers and IBC root beer.

Stood on the Edge of Your Bridge Until I Felt the Rain

I'm kind of scared of myself. I dig myself these holes. I cry everyday, now.


I just want to erase everything from my past and start over.


Somewhere new, but still the same. I always think Seattle. At least then I could have the rain.

Mad Scientists of Today and Tommorow

so yesterday in Biotechnology we are finishing the move Pandora's Box and it's all about Jim Watson and his views on genetic engineering and purification and whatnot of the future. Now if you've ever seen the man you'd immediatly notice that he is slightly creepy. I don't know if it's that he is old or that everytime he says something he finds profound he gives you this wide-eyed "hey I'm a genius and I just blew your mind" look. Either way, I find him both smart and creepy.

In my last post I quoted him, and here I shall quote him further:

"We're playing god, but that's an awefully good thing to do."

Am I the only one seeing an issue with that? Whether or not you beleive in God or gods, I think the fact that he is, in fact, aiming to be a godlike being is rediculous.

To just give some background, the whole movie was really about Eugenics, it is this idea of purifying the gene pool. Now that sounds wrong in many ways, but ideally it isn't supposed to be. The aims of eugenics are to eliminate disease, hereditary in nature. Things like sickle cell anemia and manic depression could essentially be weeded out of the world.

There have been, however, some extremely disgusting cases of botched eugenics in the past. The most widely known one being the experiments done by the Nazi party in Germany. Their goal, duh, was to create a pure Aryan race. They tried changing eye color and hair color in sick, twisted, and dangerous experiments.

Watson argues, though, that instead of just having children with cystic fibrosis or hemophelia, parents could choose to not let these genes be reproduced. (here is the biggie) His solution to what parents would see as a problem in a child would be to terminate pregnancies. He argues parents should have the option to test for genetic "issues" and opt to end the pregnancy before it comes to term so the children dont have to "suffer" with any disease during their lives.

He isnt saying they should, he is saying they should be able to. The producers of the movie did interview an author on the genetic nature of Manic Depression about what she thought about this new eugenics. The woman suffers from manic depression and has made a suicide attempt in her past. She can make the pedigree of her family and show who has had manic depression and who has made attempts at suicide. She tells about how when she was diagnosed her doctor told her not to have kids because it was hereditary. Apalling of him, I know. She then argues that people shouldnt use eugenics to rid the population of her disease. The thing is, people with Manic Depression have a higher tendency to be extremely creative. She counters Watson with the fact that by ridding society of people like her, you would be eliminating a large portion of the creativity of the world.

He counters with by letting people be born with this terrible disease, you would be letting them suffer.

I sat through this movie for two days and at every turn I changed my mind. At first I was totally turned off to Watson's ideals, but once you see past the crazy you can see some truth and some respect for human life, sorta. Then I'm totally disgusted again. This movie made me so sdlhighodiag hdgndlghidogh. oh yeah.

So that was the past part, now on to the future.

My plan is to be a doctor, so lots of science. The only severly interesting part of it all to me is genetics. This is so vital to me that I have a stand on it, and all I'm getting is more confused. I dont want to be some crazed Hitleresque genetecist who let's you design your baby. I also dont want to be responsible for the suffering of a helpless being. I mean, sure, I have ten years to figure it out, but still....haha.