For A Lifetime

Ever since my last post, I've had the song I used for title stuck in my head. It's Sweet Tangerine by The Hush Sound and it's actually a bit of a desperate song, unlike my post. I can not stop thinking about my past these days. In the days when I had first heard THS. Or even before.

I facebooked my first little kindergarten crush today. I didn't try to friend him, but it was weird knowing that after he left my school in second grade that he went on and became this dude who moved across the country and uses the N word and still kind of looks like he did when he was 5 and I would tie his shoes.

I really fucking hate feeling nostalgic. It's not because I miss the fun things I did when I was young (that doesn't bother me). It's because I feel like I'm letting the young, fun, adventurous version of me down. I had such vision, and now I'm in my third year at a two year school with no money to continue and no job. I never used to doubt myself.

In other ways, I am so glad my life is the way it is. I feel mature, but not boring. I am comfortable with myself. I'm not so full of shit anymore, either, which is a nice feeling.

I have been thinking of changing my major. I'm not sure that is really the solution for the feelings I'm having. I chose Biology because science has always been the most interesting and challenging subject for me. My career goals were to become a doctor and have this utopian practice where women could decide how they wanted to go through labor and delivery. I still think I am capable of that. My real objective for that career move is to help people who are usually glossed over.

All I really want to do is help people.

I don't think working for a charity is the way to go because in many aspects, charities are businesses and I'm not really one for schmoozing. I've been reading a book called 3 Cups of Tea. It's the story of an American man, Greg Mortenson, who is a little lost and in a grief stricken move decides to climb the world's second tallest mountain to leave his recently deceased sister's necklace at the top. On his way down after not making it to the top, he gets lost and stumbles into a very remote Pakistani village. There he sees about 80 children (only 4 are girls) doing multiplication tables in the dirt with sticks. After all they have done for him, he promises them that he is going to build them a school.

He goes back to the US, lives in his car and writes hundreds of letters trying to get some funds for the supplies. Through a lucky connection, a well-to-do scientist sends him a check for everything he needs. After many hurdles and life altering events, he gets the school built and forms a institution to build even more schools. I think he has more than 50 built now.

At the time, he was in Pakistan just as the Taliban was growing powerful. His primary goal was also to educate girls. He knew that by educating this village, and villages like it, he would help fight terrorism. There were other schools that these villages could have sent their children to, but the Taliban ran them and were indoctrinating these kids to be extremists.

Obviously, I don't plan on having that kind of impact on the world. I do want to help people. So many charities treat the symptoms and not the causes. Greg Mortenson, ironically a nurse, knew to treat the cause. I want my life to mean something, I don't want to live my life at a desk. I'm not sure how to do it.

Wake the Sun

I did a search for schools I should transfer to recently. In these searches, they ask for everything from your GPA to the size of school you'd prefer to the religious affiliation you want the school to have. They also ask for preferred state or geographical region, which I left blank.

All of my top Best Fit schools were either in the south or southwest, and Hawaii. The schools really only had general warmth as common denominators. Basically, this life choice generator thinks I need some warmth in my life. I agree. I want to go somewhere warm.

That being said, anywhere warm that I choose will inevitably be far away from my home. Chicago is known for many things, but tropical heat is not one of them. All of this may be so poignant to me because it's absolutley frigid outside right now. Come summer, I'll probably think this is all a bunch of crap.

When Will it Stop?

Ok, so I have this problem with saying no. I don't like to let people down so I tend to pile a lot on my plate without thinking. Like I posted before, I got a full time job. I also took on a side job at a podiatrist office on my days off so I could get some experience in the field.

It turns out this podiatrist needs some new forms and documents made up because hers are out of date. I volunteered my layout skills and my new software for the job.

Later, my boyfriend's mom got to talking with me (for the first real time) about how her friends are doing an opera and how she's doing the costumes and can I sew? So like an idiot (or a girl looking for her boyfriend's mother's approval) I told her about my costume experience and how I have my own machine. So she delegates a few costumes to me.

Don't forget, I am still in school. None of this would be a problem if I didn't have to worry about my family. We just had a death in the family and I want to be with them to make sure they are ok. Also, I just learned that one of my high school classmates died tragically.

Both of these deaths have had different effects on me. My step-grandma's death was bittersweet. She suffered for so long, both physically and emotionally. I know she was never the same after her husband died and then her long battles with mental illness and physical illness took their toll. Now she is back with her husband and out of pain. What really pains me about all of this is how her children and immediate family are acting.

You would think that they are looking to blame her death on each other when it was really just her time. They all want control over the little things instead of comforting each other in this time.

Then there is my high school classmate. He was such a sweet, personable guy. His death could have been 100% prevented. It just goes to show how fragile our lives really are. He was so young, and I am completely shocked.

As if that wasn't enough, but my boyfriend was attacked by his brother for no reason. I think his brother is a little paranoid. I keep making him come over because I don't want him around his brother. He has enough on his plate with a medical mystery, he doesn't need a psycho beating on him every other day.

I'm a touch overwhelmed.

To the Front of the Room

I have sometimes wondered how people can get excited about a career that isn't exciting to me. This technical writing class has opened my eyes. My class is made up of international students, career professionals going back to school, young students with no idea what they want to do, and young students who do know what they want to do and know that this class is for them.

Some of the students want to be engineers, pharmacists, doctors, translators...the list goes on. One girl wants to work with, and know everything about, materials. Just materials. Concrete and the like. Who wants to know about concrete when they grow up?

Basically this class teaches how to write manuals, memos, and other boring professional documents. I'm in it because the premed counseling brochure said I should. I'm doing well so far. I see how this will be an asset in my career. Maybe one day I'll want to submit something to a medical journal or simply just write a report about a particular case.

But I want to be a doctor. That's interesting. There is a certain amount of glamor and intrigue. Cement? Not so much. But these people are totally invested in their chosen paths. All I want to know is why they are so interested in these paths.

Algo Que Decir

I have taken 5 years of Spanish, but it's been almost three years since that last class. I figured I should take some more because one third of my future clients will probably be Spanish speakers. Realizing how long it's been and how rusty my Spanish is, I took the proficiency exam so that I could skip the beginner classes, but not enroll in a class that was too hard for me. The test placed me in Spanish 222.

In the name of all that is good, that class is fucking hard. No english, ever. The textbook doesn't even have any english. I have to use the Spanish-English dictionary just to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing.

The awesome part is that I actually am really loving it. There is something about the language that is slightly more effective than English. The verbs are very exact. Your intention is so much more clear, but that does mean you have to choose your words wisely. If you said to a girl, "Eres bonita," she would be very flattered. If you told her, "Estas bonita" she might get a little ticked because you told her she was beautiful, but only in a temporary sense. The verbs both translate to the same thing in English, but have different intentions in Spanish. I just love it.

I Was Floating Down That Riverway

So I guess I should update. I've really been trying to get on this more, it always makes me feel like I've crossed my t's and dotted my i's.

Anyway...

Work
I put my two weeks in at Showplace and started training at my new job. It is very strange to start something new. I've been at Showplace for so long, I know everthing an employee can do there so I think my new job will take some getting used to. The silver lining is no more horrifying bowties! Or idiot coworkers!


Holidays
I started my Christmas shopping, also. So far I have some clothes for my little goddaughter, but I think she needs a toy or two to play with while she looks so adorable in the clothes. I have a few gifts already picked out for some other people too. I like getting a head start, that way I won't be strapped for cash later.


Cars
The Fiero is running pretty well these days, but the Shaggin' Wagon is dead forever. It only took us 8 months for us to kill it. So as of right this second, we have a two-seater car for 6 people. Logistics nightmare.

School
I just got all my bowls back from being glaze fired and they look (mostly) awesome! Maybe I'll get some pics up here. I put my lamp in the kiln room to be fired so hopefully I'll have a lamp to glaze soon. My ceramics class has moved on to working on wheels and I am hopelessly bad at it. I work there for hours, get covered in clay and make maybe 2 successful cups. 2 not so hot cups. I guess it's ok, because they are cup shaped, but other than that...meh.

Biology was pretty hard because it was all chemistry but now we are on to genetics and DNA so I'm as happy as I could possibly be. ( a XXX female isn't as scandalous as it sounds)

Family
My cousin just had her baby so now there are five living generations of my family. It's basically awesome. Holidays are coming up so pandemonium is sure to ensue.

Afterthoughts...
I think I'll need to move out soon. Living at home just isn't smart anymore. I think it would be better (financially) for my parents if I was out of there. I don't know how I would do it, but I'll figure it out. Sooner the better.

So What, So I've Got a Smile On, But It's Hiding the Quiet Superstitions In My Head

I'm not going to school this semester and at first I was consumed with anger. I was angry with my mom for not being honest with me, I was angry with my dad for not keeping up with my life, and mostly I was angry with myself for not seeing this sooner. For not taking affirmative action. For not taking responsiblity.

Now, I am more at peace with it. I'm working more, I'm saving money. I found a car I might be able to buy. I've even started applying to universities again. I think that, although this situation is less than exemplary, there is a silver lining. I will go back in the summer to catch up.

That isn't to say I'm happy with it now. I'm most certainly not. However, this is something I can control, something I can fix.

In The Mood

In my psych class, we learned about the nature of males and females. That girls try harder to be people pleasers at a very early age. It's actually why we are better at communicating than males. We speak because it makes people happy. Males are less caring about pleasing others so they do what they want - explore. That's why males crawl and walk faster. Women can recognize emotion before they even recognize that it's a face they are looking at. All in order to figure out how best to make the person happy, or to maintain their happiness. I think this is pretty accurate. I find myself basing decisions off of what other people (might) think. I want to make people happy all the time.

It's definitely something that everyone, male or female, does. I think it's mostly a subconscious thing, though. We live in a time when everyone has to be unique. Individuality is stressed as well as excellence. We are all supposed to shine.

But why is that? In earlier time in this past century, conformity was key. When women broke a few glass ceilings here and there there was more competition in the workforce and that competition now contained massive amounts of people pleasers. As a result, well all have to fight to shine because as women fill positions that men once held and men have to adapt to our natural disposition. It's all quite ironic.

These Are Just the Rules and Regulations

I went to Pharmacological and Medical Terminology class today and realized just how unnaturally interested I am in all things medical. That's not to say I wasn't bored to death in class, I just liked the actually valid parts. I can't tell you just how fascinated I was when the diagram of a neuron popped up on the PowerPoint. I learned how antideppressants work and how dopamine works and how if you don't get enough dopamine you can get Parkinsonian symptoms.

I guess people have to go to class to learn in an organized way instead of learning on the job. School is a means to an end.

Shake It Off

Lately, I have felt kind of lost. or stuck. Like I've spent my whole life as this awkward, chubby, green little caterpillar and I made my chrysalis after all this bullshit and then it's finally time for me to crack it open and get the hell out and I made it too strong and now I'm stuck. I can see the freedom, I can taste the freedom, but fuck-my-life I can't get to it.

I did all the things a high schooler should do. I did the homework (mostly), I paid attention (mostly), I got a job, I did the extracurriculars, I applied to the schools. Honestly, none of it ever felt right, but I still did it. It was the right thing to do. But here I am, at home, not away like I need to be.

But on the bright side, I am in school full time and working alot. I guess by staying, I'm saving money, which is definitly necesary. I guess the whole point of this blog entry is that I'm tired of being Mom #2 and cheuffer and bread winner when that doesn't fit my station in life.

Another Turning Point

I've realized today that this little portion of my life, this summer, is the doorway. I'm not in high school or college. I'm crossing that threshhold in my life. Obviously it's not the only one, and I'm not the only one in one. It's just wierd to be totally undefined by an institution, even for a short period of time.

Born Free, As Free As the Wind Blows

Ok, this is it. I'm fresh out of high school. 30 mins fresh. Graduation is just a superficial gift to the people who paid $30,000 over the course of 4 years so I could go to school.

76 Trombones and a Crucifix

1400+ pairs of Birkenstocks shuffle into Churchnasium. All the sheep wearing their gleeming red, white, and blue polos. Perfectly pleated, ironed khakis and polyester skirts find their way to chairs and bleachers.

4 Blue Ribbon Awards.

That's right, our school is perfect. Groomed. Bred. Paid for. Pedigrees are practically screaming at you.

Our choir sings for the bureacrats. Jazz band does its best. I'm proud.

Look. Look how we smile. We can clap at all the right places. We love each other. We are a community. We watch out for each other. We have each other's backs.

And then, I remember. The man they proclaim as "the best principle in the country" kicked my sister to the curb. Oh my aunt & 2 uncles too. Raging hypocrite. I'd hate to see the other principles.

I'm done being angry now. 4 more months and I'm free.

Holding on to Silly Things, I Never Learn

haha. I'm at school. I'm in Adobe InDesign CS3 right now. I'm a badass.



So we are learning about all these tools, and features and all I want to do is go home and sleep or clean my room and live my life and make money so I dont have to worry anymore about all this other crap that I dont have time to do because I'm at school from 7 to 2.



I do, however, know it's important. I'm not going to drop out or anything because I don't feel like being here. Restless is the word of the week I think. I feel restless at school because I want to be done, and I'm literally restless, as in free of any rest. I'm not even that unhappy about it, it's just a hassle.

new fun word to say: bojangles

This hassle does have a funny consequence though. Like today, I got dressed for gym (I didnt have to, we werent dressing for gym today) and after class, as I'm changing back, I realize I forgot to pack my skirt. hallelujah. I would forget my skirt. So I skip off to the Attendence Office so I can go home to get it. None of my parents answer the phone. Great. Finally I call my dad and he tells them I can leave and off I go to trugde 2 blocks to my car to go home.



I get to my car and it has a flat. Not a low tire, but a FLAT one. Even better. No biggie, really. I drive to the gas station and put some air in it and it's fine. I go home, find my skirt, check an email haha, and go back to school. Oh I grabbed some breakfast too, strike while the iron is hot I say. I get to school just as first period ends and yay it's free period.



That probably saved my life. God I love those girls. Between them getting frustrated with Mahjong of all things, and then me being an idiot on TBF and Facebook, I can't remember a point when we aren't laughing.

Rest Will Find Us, We Belong Here

It's Friday afternoon, and today is looking mildly tolerable. I broke out a bottle of sparkling cider and split it with my seven year old brother. For a bit I was wallowing in self pity and angst on the whole college thing. I really want to get a yes, but I'm scared. Then I went out to check on my brother and....a tickle fight ensued. Yeah I'm a grown up. Wierd how playing with a little kid
can make all your worries go away. Or maybe it's just me. haha. I guess it just put alot of things in perspective.

"Children are life." - Denzel Washington

I think he was right. Is it going to end my life if I dont get into the school I want? no. Will I be sad? of course. I still have him, I still have my family and my mind and what else do I really need? It's just that time of year when everyone freaks about Christmas presents and New Year's kisses and that's all fun and good. I dont know, sure I posted about commercialism but I didnt forget about family and all the important stuff that is idealized by the holiday season.

Now that all the stress is over and I can have a relaxing last semester and really enjoy myself like I havent been able to for a long time. For the first time in a long time, I'm looking forward with actual stress-free happiness. I have my friends, my job, my life and I'm happy with it all.

Everytime this happens, it is subsequently followed by a period of extreme stress and anxiety like, for example, how you would feel moving away from your family to a huge school and knowing no one. However, I choose to ignore this inevitability and proceed blindly forth with a false sense of security for 7 more months of ignorant bliss. yay!

things to do today and for a while

ok this all goes back to September when my whore of a sister refused to get out of bed, 13 times. this causes me to be late for early bird gym. 13 times. subsequently my gym teacher gives me a detention. 13 times. so now i have to spend either an hour copying down religious articles by hand or spending 20 mins with my insane art teacher. 13 times. i have a week and a half to get these done. oh frickalick.



so finals in a week and a half. this means i need to get all my missing work in and completed perfectly for any salvagable grade. then i have to study. im not the kind of student who gets all nazi come december, im just trying to make sure i dont totally fail at life. i took extra classes this semester, dont ask me why, im just an idiot who likes to learn way too much for her own good.



on top of that, i got a speeding ticket for speeding in a school zone, i like to go fast, but i knew better. darners. so now i have a court date, coincidentally its during an actual final. how am i supposed to swing that? so now i have to take a trip to the courthouse after some detentions to see if i can change the date.



i also have a job. its necessary for me to function. i need to pay for gas, school stuff, anything i need other than shelter and food and now a huge speeding ticket then xmas gifts hurrah. so late nights on sundays and thursdays. the occasional monday. this takes alot of time out of the mounting homework pile i seem to be getting.



i didnt do any ministry this semester because they changed the deadlines in the ministry office. so now i have to go in and see the ministry coordinator and see if she'll let me do the entire years worth in one semester instead of having to do half in the summer, so i can avoid being a super senior.