I Can Be Loathsome, I Can Wholesome

I've been home for an hour, and usually I don't stay up this late. I can't get to bed, and I'm not sure why. I keep telling myself it's the heat. Maybe it isn't? I think the summer heat brings out reality for me. Summer is so full of anticipation and hope and it makes me nervous. It makes me wonder about the mistakes I've made. About things I did that I don't think are mistakes, but seem wrong all the same.

I want to walk across the street and into the lake and just swim for a while. In the middle of the night. That would be relaxing.

I can't just go back to my bed and lay in the heat and think about everything. I'll lose my mind.

I keep talking about moving forward, but I'm not sure that I'm ready. I keep doubting everything for no reason. This is so stupid. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Why do I think so hard about every damn tiny little thing? It's going to be my downfall one day.

Remember when you are young and love is desperate and intense and crazy and idiotic? Your whole life is made or broken in a matter of instances and in some odd way it feels like it's normal? Everything stays exciting, but it also gets real and you are suddenly responsible for not only this other new person, but everyone that contacts your relationship. Then your love compared to their love and their old loves and your old loves and you wonder which is most correct.

Then you look at your love and you are so happy and relaxed and that teenage you is like, "Why didn't I have that? It's not so scary."

How do people that make the right choices make them? Is it just an impulse or instinct or do they really think it through? Is it wrong to consider your options before deciding or is that calculating? Can you be smart without being a shrew?

Love Affair

I am definitley not where I thought I would be a year ago. It's list time. Things in my life I didn't think I'd have right now last year:

1. A full-time job
2. A live-in boyfriend
3. A smartphone
4. A macbook
5. Contentment
6. Organization
7. A feeling I should change my major
8. Objectivity

I Built You a Home in My Heart

In my life, I've been forced to move around a lot. I haven't put down roots in a home for more than 2 years, ever. It's gotten to the point where I don't even see the point of unpacking my books or most of my clothes because I'll just have to pack them up again. Because of this nearly habitual moving, I rarely make plans or commitments.

Every time I move, the powers that be claim it will be the last time for a long time. This doesn't instill a lot of trust. All of these things, in combination with other experiences, have led me to be a distrusting flake. Not ideal if you want to have any kind of meaningful relationship.

However, I've been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half. We don't make plans, we decide what we are doing that day and the day goes. I trust him completely because he tells me the truth about everything. Sometimes even things I didn't want to know. We are open books and for that, I know we work.

He's the stability in my life. I can make commitments now. So even though I don't feel like my house is a home, I am at home with him.

Life is the Longest Death

You know what I've realized? That despite any good intentions or sense of responsibility I might have, I can never EVER do the right thing. It doesn't matter how strong my moral compass is or how hard I work to think for myself. Someone is always there to let me down or tell me off. I know this sounds whiny, but I don't give a shit, it's the God's honest truth.

Everyone is a critic, and everyone will take advantage of you if you give them the chance. So I'm going to be selfish and I'm going to be rash and independent. I'm going to do what I want, when I want and if I decide to let someone know, good for them, if not, tough shit. I don't have to answer to anyone anymore. I'm a motherfucking adult now.

I'll make my own decisions with no concern for anyone else's opinion because everyone has one. Enough people have chosen paths for me in the past and I'm so past done it's not even funny.

I'm tired of being let down.

She Was Born to Be the Woman I Would Know

I'm an independent person. I'm going to do things that maybe don't sit well with people. I think that I'm trustworthy enough to be left to my own devices. Most of the things I do, I do for me.

That being said, I don't always think about what other people with think or feel about me. Some people find this to be an attribute, others a fault. Either way, it won't change that I walk boldly forward with whatever I decide.

Some things I don't do alone and I do consider the other person. Sometimes these things are sensitive. For me. Regret isn't something I want to feel after the life I've led. I'm done looking back and feeling sick about what has occurred. That's why I do what I want when I want. I'm tired of worrying.

Things That Have Changed About Katie:

• Regret
• Appearances, specifically what other people think of me, not so much physical
• Drama, I don't create and I don't partake
• I used to be pretty high strung, not so much anymore
• I used to let things get to me, but circumstances have dictated that I either let things go/roll off my back or be consumed with overwhelming stress
• Now, Katie is priority one. I love my family and my friends, but I just can't pander to them all.

This may all sound a bit cynical or harsh, but I don't think I would be able to survive much more of the crap I've had to deal with in the last year if I didn't thicken my skin a little. I still love everyone, and I still care. Sometimes you have to just take care of yourself first, before you can think about what other people need.

I'm still the same girl, just a little smarter but at the same time a little more guarded. Lots of things have shaped me to be who I am now. Most of them bad, but quite a few marvelous.

If You Say Goodbye Today, I Ask You to Be True

Indecision is something that people face everyday. It could be simply muffin or bagel? It might be as complicated as teacher or doctor? I understand indecision. I face it everyday, we all do.

The hardest aspect of it is when indecision involves the life of someone else. Then we have to consider their needs and emotions. That is sometimes forgotten. We think only of ourselves. It's not that we don't care about the others, of course we do! It's that we assume either A) they want us to do what we want despite any concerns we may have or B) we forget they will be affected by our choices.

What happens when you are the other person? When someone else makes a decision that impacts your life? I'll tell you what happens. You accept it. Whether or not you like it, you accept it. You think to yourself, they don't know how much it hurts you, and you choose to keep it to yourself, the pain. Why bring them into it? They should be happy, they should get what they want.

It happens. It happens to me all the time. It happens to everyone.

Your father marries a woman who doesn't love you. Your landlord evicts your family. They just want love, they just want to stay in the black. You deal with it. You might hurt for a while, but you just keep going.

You look to the future. You decide you'll think of others. You'll treat people right. You might suffer a little, but you don't want people to hurt like you hurt everyday.

All these things are slightly painful. What hurts the most is when they go back on the choice. They decide that they made a mistake, but the damage is done. You are a little more cracked. A little more raw.

And when they go back? It hurts again. That they think you and your emotions will just bend to their will again. You can't help but just accept it again. You liked how it used to be. You convince yourself it will be the same. That love you were afraid to lose, the comfort you had, you want it so badly.

You wonder how much longer it will be until you can't take it anymore.

Split Me Right Open and Look Right Inside, There's So Many Things That I Try to Hide

I broke down today. Finally.

I didn't see it coming because my day was going so well. I woke up this morning and it was raining, you know how I love the rain. I got dressed in a rush because I had to be to work at 8:30, but I made it relatively on time. My meeting went well and afterwards I went to IHOP with a coworker who I've missed lately. We both had some time and I didn't really want to go home so we saw Observe & Report. It was OK. Classic Seth Rogan. So far so good.

The trouble didn't start until after I'd dropped her off at work. I was driving home and it was pouring and out of nowhere I started crying. I'm not sure what set me off but I just totally fell apart. After being numb inside for months, all this emotion was pouring out of me and I could barely drive. I pulled into a parking lot and just bawled. Everything that upset me rose up in my mind -- my dad, mom, step dad, stepmother, school, love, money, work, my secretly dead dog, my grandma tried to kill herself again and is now in a semiconscious state -- and I couldn't run away anymore. I'm not sure how long I sat in the car.

I've never cried like I cried today before. Just pure, unadulterated sadness. I felt totally lost. When everyone you should be able to lean on is either gone or useless, who do you turn to? Sure I have friends here, but none I'd be comfortable laying all my problems on.

Sometimes when my guard is down, I'll let a friend in on a little bit of what's going on. Usually I get a shocked/unsure look and something along the lines of, "You are so strong." They are so wrong. I'm not strong, I'm weak. I push back all the issues and pretend like nothing is upsetting me. I just go numb because I don't want to face my real life.

When things get like this, all I want to do is run away. Start completely over somewhere new. I've considered something like AmeriCorps, a service organization that will house and give you living expenses in return for up to a year of full time service. I think spending a year without personal responsibility and drama in service of others would be so healthy for me. Telling the people I love is a totally different can of worms. Which is probably why it'll never happen.

If I get any more desperate for freedom, I might just go without a lot of notice. Sometimes you have to do things for yourself.

Bleeding Bells of Inner Guilt, Salvation Razor Thin

My mom is always on my case. She wants to know where I am, who I'm with, and what I'm doing all the time. Last night she called me at 1:30 in the morning while I was at a friends house because I wasn't home yet.

The thing is, I really don't care enough to call her to ease her worry. I'm just tired of putting up with her two-faced concern. If she is always taking my money but not paying my tuition then I don't feel obligated to ask her permission to live my life. I put gas in the car, I watch her kids, I sacrifice so she can do whatever shit she wants. Well I'm done. Forget going back to school for the spring semester, I'm getting the fuck out of there. I'm 19 and I can handle this. She can put on her fake sad face, I don't care.

She spends all her really affection on my siblings anyway. No matter what she says, I'll guarantee she still harbors feelings of blame for me. Whatever. I'm tired of being hurt.

Just Live Your Life

My dad still isn't talking to me but it's made me realize one very important thing. When I made the decision to go to Colorado, I knew it was what I wanted to do. I was happy, I am happy that I went. As upsetting as it is that he is mad, I am still glad I made that choice. I lived my life how I wanted to. One of very few times I have done that. I have no regrets and that feels so good. Just blissful. Content. At peace.

You Make Me Feel Just Like A Child Now

I'm sooooo tired of being disregarded and passed up for oppurtunities. Fuck my life, I'm unhappy. I don't know if this is depression, I'm doubting that. My school just seems.....apathetic. All my friends are gone. I hate my job. My family is a mess. I just can't cope anymore. I think I've put up with this crapfest for long enough. I'm transferring and starting over. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

But I'll Grind Against Your Bones...

Well that was depressing. I guess I'm just doing what every other transitioning kid is right now -- complaining. Haha. I guess I'm just not happy with what I have. Sounds pretty ungrateful, right? I know, I can't help it. I just try to make everyone happy, and that's not the right thing I guess. I shouldn't worry what they think. Yeah I'm going to stop worrying.

I guess this spawned that last revelation.

It says (in case you can't read it):

1. Border guards are paid to be assholes. Just stay calm

2. Drug dogs aren't trained to detect

3. Boxes of shins.

Also:

I find this song creepily, disgustingly perfect. Thoughts?

I'm a killer

Cold and wrathful

Silent sleeper

I've been inside your bedroom

I've murdered half the town

Left you love notes on their headstones

I'll fill the graveyards

Until I have you

Moonlight walking

I smell your softness

Carnivorous and lusting

To track you down among the pines

I want you stuffed into my mouth

Hold you down and tear you open

Live inside you

Oh, love I'd never hurt you

But I'll grind against your bones

Until our marrows mix

I will eat you slowly

Ohhhhh

The horror of our love

Never so much blood pulled through my veins

Ohhhhh

The horror of our love

Never so much blood

I wake in terror

Blackbirds screaming

Dark cathedrals spilling

Midnight on their alters

I'm your servant

My immortal

Pale and perfect

Such unholy heaving

The statues close their eyes

The room is changing

Break my skin

And drain me

Ancient language

Speak through fingers

The awful edges

Where you end and I begin

Inside your mouth

I cannot see

There's catastrophe

In everything I'm touching

As I sweat and crush you

And I hold your beating chambers

Until they beat no more

You die like angels sing

Ohhhhh

The horror of our love

Never so much blood pulled through my veins

Ohhhhh

The horror of our love

Never so much blood

You're a ghost, love

Nightgown flowing

Your body blue and walking

Along the continental shelf

You are a dream among the sharks

Beautiful and terrifying

Living restless

We dance in dark suspension

And you bury me

In the ocean floor beneath you

Where they'll never hear us scream

Ohhhhh

The horror of our love

Never so much blood pulled through my veins

Ohhhhh

The horror of our love

Never so much blood

It's actually very funny to hear. I know it seems frighteningly macabre here, but it's desperate and funny. In my opinion.

Checkmarks

I'm such an idiot.

Now If She Does It Like This Will You Do It Like That?

I've noticed that when you go through one major life milestone people start to ask about all your other ones. Probably because these are cause for reconnection. Since my recent graduation people have been peppering me with questions.

1. Where are you going?
2. What are you studying?
3. Why? Why? Why?
4. What do you want to do?
5. Why do you have so much attitude?
6. So are you engaged yet? (interesting, to me anyway)
7. Do you have a boyfriend?
8. Do you have a job?
9. Where?
10. How much do you make?
11. Why are you still there?

What sort of rights do they think they have? I find it quite interesting that people I rarely or never talk to feel themselves to be worthy of the details of my life. Oh and it gets better. They have an opinion on all of it. That's the kicker.

Sometimes I wonder if somewhere someone decided I owe some allegiance to these people. Like I have to pay them a tithing of my life. Like they have some kind of ownership of me. Obviously human beings are relational and perhaps they are trying to cultivate some kind of rapport with me, but when I tell them all of this and they form an opinion, it's all for nothing. They go home after the cake and presents and forget or write off the events of the day. Or even better. They pass on everything to people I am 100% sure I have no ties to. Days later, I get some report from my mom of my aunt's coworker's daughter's life and how it relates to mine and what I should do similarly/differently to hers.

I know what you are waiting for, though. You want the answers too, right? Of course, human beings are curious. So here goes.

1. Harper College
2. Something math related, or science.
3. I'm good at it.
4. I want to be a doctor one day.
5. It's both a defense mechanism and a source of entertainment for me.
6. No. Although that would make my life so Days of our Lives it's not even funny.
7. Nope. Not for lack of effort.
8. Yeah.
9. A movie theatre.
10. $7.50 an hour.
11. How should I know? My friends I guess.