Don't Let Me Get Me

So my last post was really emotional. I don't think there is anything wrong with that.  I would like to say that I'm trying to deal with these new emotions and so far it hasn't been very successful. I don't know anyone who has dealt with something similar and I have no experience with this either. Up until this point I've had a fairly clean bill of health.

Now all I do is question everything and everyone. Now that my future is fuzzier than ever, what else has changed?  Maybe my relationship isn't what I thought it was or maybe I'm crazy. Maybe my family isn't what I thought it was. My friends are far away and stressed out enough with their own lives. How am I supposed to vent about my quarter life crisis?

My first instinct is to flee. I've been moving from house to house my entire life so maybe I feel like I need a fresh start. Maybe if one thing is changing in my life it gives me an excuse to act irrationally to change everything else. I think I just need reassurance. That there is someone in the universe whose happiness relates to mine. Someone whose kisses feel like love, not obligation. Someone who listens to my frustrations with empathy instead of defensiveness. Someone who holds me at night because they want to not because I've asked. I want to be someone's first choice before everything else in spite of my craziness and defectiveness. I want to look into someone's eyes and see they think I'm something else, something special. I need someone to save me from myself.

It May Seem Like a Stretch

Sooo.....

I was arrested eight days ago. (I wonder if it was in the blotter) Now, if you asked any of my family, friends, acquaintances, coworkers, people I've walked past on the street they would all tell you how unlikely I was to be arrested. I'm not the kind of person who lives life on the edge and plays by their own rules. As a matter of fact, I play by all the rules. Sometimes I even make up extra rules.

It all stems from the innumerable problems with bureaucracy and my need for speed. I was driving home from work late on Friday and all I wanted to do was go home and watch a movie with my boyfriend. He was almost there already, but I must have caught every light. In my eagerness to get home, I may have accelerated a bit prematurely where the speed limit goes from 40 to 55 at a place that is frequented by the police. I should have known that he'd be waiting right there for someone to do something stupid like I did.

So I flew past this policeman and half a mile later he pulled up right behind me with his lights shining through the night. He was young and actually pretty handsome, but he was all business when he asked my for my license and insurance. Then he lets me know that I was going too fast and that my car is too loud, but he'll let the noise slide - this time. Then he went back to his car to look up my record and write me a ticket.

I sit and I wait. And wait. And wait. Then another squad car pulls up behind him and they both walk up to my car. So Officer Friendly asked my to get out of the car and follow him behind it. Then he seriously said to me, "I'm going to ask you a question and you need to be completely honest with me. Did you know your license is suspended?" I knew my license wasn't. I had taken care of it more than 6 months ago. He apologized to me and told me that he had double checked my record and that my license was, in fact, suspended.

So he made me lean against the rear of my car, and he cuffed me. Then he walked me over to his squad car and frisked me. FRISKED me. Like I walk around with a gun or something. Seriously, I border nerdiness and I was frisked. So he tucks me into the backseat of the squad car while he and his police buddy look through my car. Then, the other guy points out something in my passenger seat that they both find amusing. Satisfied that I don't run a drug cartel out of my Fiero. Officer Friendly returns to his squad car and his comrade leaves in his. Then we wait some more for the tow truck.

As we are waiting, I see my boyfriend's car drive by. A few minutes later, my mom and step dad pull up right in front of the tow truck with my car on it's flatbed. My mother runs from her car towards the officer, demanding to know where the person who was in that car was. He tells her that he has arrested me. My boyfriend then pulled up behind me. From the moment the officer told me he had to arrest me I had been fighting the urge to laugh or asked if I was being punk'd, but all this was too much.

After the tow truck drove away, the officer returned to his squad car and asked me what it was like to drive a Fiero and he told me about my mom. On the drive to the station, he was speeding and instant messaging with another officer who in no uncertain terms told him he was weak for stopping me. I was driving a Fiero, that's just too cool, I guess. I'm pretty sure that's double illegal, but he's cop.

So we arrived at the station and he led me, still cuffed, to a processing area. Finally I got the cuffs off and he tells me to sit down in the corner. He starts entering all my information into an ancient computer asking me questions here and there like my SS# or my previous crimes. He took my fingerprints and some mug shots. Awesome! He called someone to have something printed and they told him I had quite the party waiting for me upstairs. We had witty banter, which is nice I suppose. I think my favorite part of the whole ordeal was when he was asking me questions towards the end like, "Do you know any drug dealers?" or "Do you know anyone is possession of an illegal weapon?" or "Do you know anyone who has committed a crime in Lake County?" I told him my dead grandfather was involved in organized crime, but other than that, no. He told me I didn't seem the type. After I signed myself out of jail, recognizance bond, he walked me through the station. He carried my purse the whole way, I was very impressed.

He lets me out into the waiting area where my mom, step dad, boyfriend, and friend/coworker/neighbor were all waiting. My friend and my boyfriend were laughing and my parents had very concerned looks on their faces. I showed them the marks on my wrists from the cuffs. My mom was horrified.

To the Front of the Room

I have sometimes wondered how people can get excited about a career that isn't exciting to me. This technical writing class has opened my eyes. My class is made up of international students, career professionals going back to school, young students with no idea what they want to do, and young students who do know what they want to do and know that this class is for them.

Some of the students want to be engineers, pharmacists, doctors, translators...the list goes on. One girl wants to work with, and know everything about, materials. Just materials. Concrete and the like. Who wants to know about concrete when they grow up?

Basically this class teaches how to write manuals, memos, and other boring professional documents. I'm in it because the premed counseling brochure said I should. I'm doing well so far. I see how this will be an asset in my career. Maybe one day I'll want to submit something to a medical journal or simply just write a report about a particular case.

But I want to be a doctor. That's interesting. There is a certain amount of glamor and intrigue. Cement? Not so much. But these people are totally invested in their chosen paths. All I want to know is why they are so interested in these paths.

Now If She Does It Like This Will You Do It Like That?

I've noticed that when you go through one major life milestone people start to ask about all your other ones. Probably because these are cause for reconnection. Since my recent graduation people have been peppering me with questions.

1. Where are you going?
2. What are you studying?
3. Why? Why? Why?
4. What do you want to do?
5. Why do you have so much attitude?
6. So are you engaged yet? (interesting, to me anyway)
7. Do you have a boyfriend?
8. Do you have a job?
9. Where?
10. How much do you make?
11. Why are you still there?

What sort of rights do they think they have? I find it quite interesting that people I rarely or never talk to feel themselves to be worthy of the details of my life. Oh and it gets better. They have an opinion on all of it. That's the kicker.

Sometimes I wonder if somewhere someone decided I owe some allegiance to these people. Like I have to pay them a tithing of my life. Like they have some kind of ownership of me. Obviously human beings are relational and perhaps they are trying to cultivate some kind of rapport with me, but when I tell them all of this and they form an opinion, it's all for nothing. They go home after the cake and presents and forget or write off the events of the day. Or even better. They pass on everything to people I am 100% sure I have no ties to. Days later, I get some report from my mom of my aunt's coworker's daughter's life and how it relates to mine and what I should do similarly/differently to hers.

I know what you are waiting for, though. You want the answers too, right? Of course, human beings are curious. So here goes.

1. Harper College
2. Something math related, or science.
3. I'm good at it.
4. I want to be a doctor one day.
5. It's both a defense mechanism and a source of entertainment for me.
6. No. Although that would make my life so Days of our Lives it's not even funny.
7. Nope. Not for lack of effort.
8. Yeah.
9. A movie theatre.
10. $7.50 an hour.
11. How should I know? My friends I guess.

I Don't Want to Grow Up, I'm a Toys R Us Kid

You know those days when you feel all grown up and responsible and blah blah blah daily grind for life? I was having one of those days today until one simple question brought me back to happy little Katie times.

"Are you playing Monopoly with us?" - Jack

It was like shooom! I'm 8 again. As far as history goes, I've been hanging with the same 3 people for about 12 years. It's me, Becca, Jordon, and Jack. 12 whole years of weekends. At first those weekends consisted of me and Becca riding our bikes and playing with Barbies while the boys did silly cootie boy things. Slowly it progressed to going to the park and swimming in Jack's pool. From there we played football and made forts to playing Star Wars Monopoly and watching movies in my basement. Now we hang, go out, vacation, anything together.

I'm not going to lie, I missed the Monopoly days. They were simple and easy, hilarious and fun. Over the years there have been secondary group members, but always the same core people. I think sometimes people didnt get it, they didnt understand how we all (3 siblings, and a neighbor) got along so well. Honestly, I'm not sure. We are us and we are forever.

I'm not going to say we are close, we have our pairings for that, but we have each other's backs. We can stay up and talk or not talk at all, we can criticize and not be disregarded, we can be ourselves and not worry about being judged.

These are the people I can have mud fights with and not feel like an idiot, I can actually be an idiot and not worry. It's nice to have a place to be a kid even when everywhere else you have to be a grown up.