This Feeling Never Leaves Me Alone

I come with good news, a rare but much appreciated occurence in the PPBG world. My mother and my stepdad have both gotten legitimate salaried jobs. My mom is now the Director of Audio Visual at a large ski resort and my stepdad is an inside salesman at an international company that owns many smaller companies, one of which sells metal.

As usual, my parents have started fantasizing about all the things they can afford now. A better car. My long promised laptop. My tuition. Braces for all of us. I am excited about our new stability, but it's a cautious excitement.

I don't think I'm emotionally stable enough to get my hopes dashed again. I talked to my mom about letting me try my hand at budgeting because, to be honest, I think I could do a better job than they could. She knows it too, but she said no. "Some things you just don't want your kids to know," she said.

I am happy and nervous, but ready to enjoy a little stability for once.

Life is the Longest Death

You know what I've realized? That despite any good intentions or sense of responsibility I might have, I can never EVER do the right thing. It doesn't matter how strong my moral compass is or how hard I work to think for myself. Someone is always there to let me down or tell me off. I know this sounds whiny, but I don't give a shit, it's the God's honest truth.

Everyone is a critic, and everyone will take advantage of you if you give them the chance. So I'm going to be selfish and I'm going to be rash and independent. I'm going to do what I want, when I want and if I decide to let someone know, good for them, if not, tough shit. I don't have to answer to anyone anymore. I'm a motherfucking adult now.

I'll make my own decisions with no concern for anyone else's opinion because everyone has one. Enough people have chosen paths for me in the past and I'm so past done it's not even funny.

I'm tired of being let down.

I'm Really Lucky Underneath It All

Lately, I've been having alot of firsts:

1. The first time I didn't consult my dad about a decision.


2. The first time he's ever been mad at me.


3. My first college experiences.


4. The first time I've been palpable financial supporter of my family.


5. My first flight totally alone.


6. The first time my mom has ever trusted me to do something for myself.


7. The first time I walked down the street holding the hand of someone I care about and not worrying about the barrage of questions I'll inevitably get because, for once, I really don't care who sees.


8. The first time I slept in someone else's bed, with someone who isn't related or a girl. Take that dad.


9. First kiss.

Sometimes I wonder if I put too much or too little on this blog. There is a place in my mind where I catalogue all my blog ideas and very rarely do I post them. I love that there are people who read this, but at the same time I wish no one did or I wish everyone did. I want people to know what I think or what happens to me, but I also wish everything was a secret. I guess I just want people to be interested.

Beating Heart, Baby

To update you my lovlies, today I took a mental health day. Basically woke up, drove my stepdad to the train, came home, went back to bed. I woke up a little later and decided I wouldn't be going to school today. I got back out of bed, drove my sister to her ride's house and went back home. I lazied about on the couch for a few hours and then decided (I have no idea why) to watch Something's Got To Give.

It was great.

After about a thousand people asking me why I wasn't at school and the movie, I took a shower. This shower, so impossibly amazing, got me thinking. If you've seen the movie I just mentioned, you might know why. Anywho, I was thinking. About life. Not the whole thing, but one aspect.

As you grow up, your parents (most likely) raise you. What does that mean, to be raised? They shape you and mold you and make you into who they think you should be. This is not only acceptable, but expected.

But then, as you get older, you start searching for other people. Friends. Lovers. What have you. This is where the rules change. No longer are other people allowed to try to mold you or change you. They should just accept you for the unique person you are. Right?

They don't though. Everyone has expectations they hold other people to. Everyone is influential whether it's intentional or subconcious. What if they say they accept you for who you are, if they believe it themselves, and then it turns out even they didn't know themselves well enough? They do want you to change. What if they don't like your pace or your choices? What do you do?

Is it that we spend our lives looking for someone who wants what we want or for someone who can accept what we want?

I Hope You're Out There, Look at Me Now.

So lately I've noticed that most things I need fall more and more into my responsiblity instead of that of my parents. I'm going to go with that's a good thing. To me, it seems like they now think of me as an adult. An adult who they trust, warily.

Or I figured out I can't always depend on them for everything I need. For example, I needed textbooks. Sure my mom got me some of them, others she didn't get. I'm not even sure why she got some and not others, trust me, cost wasn't the issue there. So this semester when I needed a new book, I went out and bought it without even thinking to mention it to her. I didn't even realize I should until I already placed the order.

Sometimes it bothers me because I feel like I shouldn't have to get things like that on my own. Other times I feel like it is my job to ensure I have things like that. People trust me with their kids, so I guess I'm not much of a kid anymore as it is. Transitions are wierd feeling.