Someone Like You

It has been a long week, my friends. Mostly because my grandfather passed away on October 15 and I've been hurting and rushing around ever since.

My grandfather was a complicated man. Throughout his service and the luncheon that followed everyone kept saying, "Calvin had simple tastes."  I don't think that is quite accurate. It implies that he was simple, which is the furthest thing from the truth.  He had 7 siblings and he was the odd man out. While they were all straight laced children of the local Baptist minister, he walked his own path.  From what I've been told he has been a heavy drinker for the last 50 years and I know that he was also a chain smoker. Once, as a small child, I went up to my Grandpa Calvin and said, "Smoking isn't good for you, you know."  He replied is his deep timbre, "You aren't my mother, you don't get to tell me what to do." I shut up. Haha.

That was the thing about my grandpa, his voice vibrated in your chest.  He had this voice that could scare the paint off the walls.  When people meet my dad they tell me how deep his voice is, but it doesn't compare to Calvin's. It made his words leave an impression on you. He wasn't a big man, but I didn't realize that until Thursday, when he didn't say a word.

I'm not sure if it's because he was my grandpa that I wasn't afraid of him or because I naturally see through that kind of thing. (Probably the grandpa thing). I rarely saw him but we called every now and then and they were the easiest conversations to have. I'm not sure why, because we didn't have much in common, but I could talk to him at length without there ever being an awkward pause or verbal filler.

I really will miss him.  He made my dad and my uncles who they are. He made me who I am.

Rest In Peace Calvin

When You Walk My Way Hope It Gives You Hell

Hey you.

I'm happy. So to all those things that get me down: Fuck You. :D

Depression is so five minutes ago.

...

Today was a normal day, and usually I would be all emo about it, but not today. It was a good day. I woke up around noon, although I'm not proud of it. Took a shower. Had some Cheerios and raisins. Did some laundry. Cleaned up the garbage my dogs got everywhere. The family came home and I went to work. It went rather smoothly even though I had to use this ancient deathtrap instead of my nice, new skyjack. I came home around midnight. Just an ok day.

To Where You Are

Today the world lost a great asset. That's all there is to it.

One of the greatest teachers my school has ever seen died this morning after being ill on and off for years. He was my freshmen year homeroom teacher, his last homeroom. I dont know why, but he took a liking to me that year. Ever since if he saw me in the hallway he would say, "How's it goin' Kate?" He was the only teacher who I ever told to called me that after the first time I asked him to. It took them time to get to know me, but he made sure he pinned me the first day and I respect that. He never missed a beat either. If I was having an off day, he always made sure to talk to me. He was a caring man, and alot of people didnt realize that. He came off so gruff and angry that few people saw the guardian that he was. Everything that man did was all for someone else. I never saw him do one selfish thing in four years. If you were slipping in his class he made sure you caught up, if you were doing well he made sure you knew he knew.

Losing him is going to be one of the greatest losses this institution has or will ever face. There are no replacements, no equals. He cared with every bone in his intimidating, loving body. He was a coach, a mentor, a teacher, an ally and a friend. I will miss him and I know how much the incoming freshmen will be missing out on.

I decided I'm not going to cry or fall apart. He wouldnt have thought that was right. Maybe I should just go sit on someone in his memory. :D

Second Chances, They Don't Ever Matter. People Never Change

Ok, so most of us are unaware of what I'm about to talk about. I'm not going into details, this is more about how I feel than what actually happened.

2 1/2 ish years ago something happened to me, and I was devastated. Honestly, truthfully, whole-heartedly (or broken-heartedly) devastated. I lost a brother, a best friend, and an ally. He was in all aspects of my life. He was family and friend, protector and counselor. Sure we acted like idiots most of the time, but he had my back. Or so I thought.

I thought, foolishly, that when he got his act together, we would be together again. I was so wrong. He has since cleaned up and grown up and I'm still alone. Sure there are other people in his same position, but they just aren't the same. I see him every so often and wish with everything I am that he would just come over. I want to forgive him, I want to be friends with him again. It kills me everytime I see him that I can't run up and hug him anymore because we are both too stubborn.

May will be the 3rd anniversary of the day we parted ways. If we haven't reconiled by then, I don't know if we ever will. It's making me lonely.

You Can Only Move As Fast As Who's In Front Of You

So today at school we had stations of the cross. For all those non-Christians out there it's basically the reenactment and/or story telling of Jesus' Passion and crucifixion. This is basic stuff for a Catholic school kid. I wasn't surprised when they said we had an assembly for it. To be totally clear, I go to a Catholic school, but that doesn't mean that everyone who goes to my school is Catholic.

Like always, I'm sitting with my friends in the senior section and the choir starts singing "Were You There?" It goes "were you there when they crucified my lord?" My friend (athiest) goes, "nope," and turns to me, "were you?" in a sarcastic tone. This really got to me.

I never judge anyone by their religion, or anything else but their actions. The fact that she sat next to me and basically mocked one of the most solemn moments in my religion irked me like you would never beleive. When I didn't answer her she repeated the question and I just looked up and gave her a half smile. I wasn't going to bitch her out in the middle of churchnasium.

This has never happened to me before. Of course I've gotten crap for being Catholic, but never have I been so hurt by it. Maybe because she is my friend and she knows why I beleive what I do. Maybe because I just expect my friends to respect me.

To the uneducated observer, you could almost call my beleif system moral relativism. It's not. There are standards I hold all people to, but they aren't specifically because of my faith. They are basic moral codes that (almost) all faiths subscribe to. I don't judge others by what they beleive in and I expect people to get to know me before they pass judgements on me. It just doesn't seem fair that after years of friendship, I get this.

Break It Out

so, I've been in my first serious accident (I dont think fender benders count) and I am no worse for wear. My car, the pimpcar, is not. She is most definitly finished, Im crushed. She was the best car on earth.

Now it's all about calling and seeing what, if any, money i'll get for her so I can get a new car. *sigh* Why?