Someone Like You

It has been a long week, my friends. Mostly because my grandfather passed away on October 15 and I've been hurting and rushing around ever since.

My grandfather was a complicated man. Throughout his service and the luncheon that followed everyone kept saying, "Calvin had simple tastes."  I don't think that is quite accurate. It implies that he was simple, which is the furthest thing from the truth.  He had 7 siblings and he was the odd man out. While they were all straight laced children of the local Baptist minister, he walked his own path.  From what I've been told he has been a heavy drinker for the last 50 years and I know that he was also a chain smoker. Once, as a small child, I went up to my Grandpa Calvin and said, "Smoking isn't good for you, you know."  He replied is his deep timbre, "You aren't my mother, you don't get to tell me what to do." I shut up. Haha.

That was the thing about my grandpa, his voice vibrated in your chest.  He had this voice that could scare the paint off the walls.  When people meet my dad they tell me how deep his voice is, but it doesn't compare to Calvin's. It made his words leave an impression on you. He wasn't a big man, but I didn't realize that until Thursday, when he didn't say a word.

I'm not sure if it's because he was my grandpa that I wasn't afraid of him or because I naturally see through that kind of thing. (Probably the grandpa thing). I rarely saw him but we called every now and then and they were the easiest conversations to have. I'm not sure why, because we didn't have much in common, but I could talk to him at length without there ever being an awkward pause or verbal filler.

I really will miss him.  He made my dad and my uncles who they are. He made me who I am.

Rest In Peace Calvin

I Want Some More

Lately, I've become a very domestic person. I work a full time job, and I go to school full time. My boyfriend lives with my family. My free time is largely comprised of homework and Facebook games. AND Fashion Police. I have no idea why, but I am drawn to this half hour block of judgement. A panel of fashion forward individuals study the fashion habits of Hollywood's elites and decide if the celebrity's outfit is good or bad.

The judges are:

1. Joan Rivers - A woman who has made her living interviewing celebrities on red carpets and telling them what she thinks of their outfit (good or bad) to their face while they wear it. She heads Fashion Police and generally has the final say.
2. Giuliana Rancic - Co-host of E! News with Ryan Seacrest. Giuliana is generally quite level headed, but accepts no excuses. If the hair doesn't go with the ensemble, it fails in her eyes.
3. George Kotsiopoulos - The lone male of the group. He loves the extreme fashion forward. Julianne Moore must really appreciate him. He always makes this really apologetic face when he disagrees. Does he fear the women of the panel? We may never know.
4. Last but not least, Kelly Osbourne - Kelly often reminisces about the better style choices that celebrities on the worst dressed list made in the past in a "shame on you" voice. She does, however, defend the hot messes like Helena Bonham Carter. She's my favorite.

My greatest concern is for the secondary members of the Fashion Police. I'm fairly sure they signed a deal with the devil to be on that show. Do you see the fear in their eyes every time they laugh at one of Joan's horrible jokes? I do. If they don't laugh, they die. I'm sure of it.

I put E! on while I do my homework or surf the internet. I'm watching E! right now, as a matter of fact. I have no interest in fashion in general, but I am drawn to this show. I am interested in knowing what gowns a celebrity will wear next, but I have no idea why!

And I know you were wondering so I'll tell you. My best dressed choice for the Golden Globes was Olivia Wilde. Her dress and shoes were too gorgeous for words.

When Will it Stop?

Ok, so I have this problem with saying no. I don't like to let people down so I tend to pile a lot on my plate without thinking. Like I posted before, I got a full time job. I also took on a side job at a podiatrist office on my days off so I could get some experience in the field.

It turns out this podiatrist needs some new forms and documents made up because hers are out of date. I volunteered my layout skills and my new software for the job.

Later, my boyfriend's mom got to talking with me (for the first real time) about how her friends are doing an opera and how she's doing the costumes and can I sew? So like an idiot (or a girl looking for her boyfriend's mother's approval) I told her about my costume experience and how I have my own machine. So she delegates a few costumes to me.

Don't forget, I am still in school. None of this would be a problem if I didn't have to worry about my family. We just had a death in the family and I want to be with them to make sure they are ok. Also, I just learned that one of my high school classmates died tragically.

Both of these deaths have had different effects on me. My step-grandma's death was bittersweet. She suffered for so long, both physically and emotionally. I know she was never the same after her husband died and then her long battles with mental illness and physical illness took their toll. Now she is back with her husband and out of pain. What really pains me about all of this is how her children and immediate family are acting.

You would think that they are looking to blame her death on each other when it was really just her time. They all want control over the little things instead of comforting each other in this time.

Then there is my high school classmate. He was such a sweet, personable guy. His death could have been 100% prevented. It just goes to show how fragile our lives really are. He was so young, and I am completely shocked.

As if that wasn't enough, but my boyfriend was attacked by his brother for no reason. I think his brother is a little paranoid. I keep making him come over because I don't want him around his brother. He has enough on his plate with a medical mystery, he doesn't need a psycho beating on him every other day.

I'm a touch overwhelmed.

Just Apathy: A Tally Hall Song and My Feelings for the Day

I'm too much or not enough
maybe everyone else is messed up
well anyway I cant seem to stay
in just one state of mind
this ones done and I'm an asshole
she's in the midst of my whole hassle
cus I'm back and forth
I get bored when she's no perfect find
cus it's one thing or another
I don't even know why I bother
one thing just tears her down
cus its one thing or another
I don’t even know why I bother
one thing I just cant get around

consider the possibility that you've been had
but not by me
we're just kids don't worry about this
my course is run and I'm so tired
till the next one comes inspired
I feel bad and I should I made her sad
and I knew it would
cus its one thing or another
I don’t even know why I bother
one thing just tears her down
cus its one thing or another
I don’t even know why I bother
one thing I just cant get around
I need to learn to wait in turn
cus now I just step blindly
and I'm only happy when
I can close my eyes and I just dive in
and forget about acting kindly
cus it's one thing or another
(cus it's always one thing or another)
I don’t even know why I bother
one thing just tears her down (one thing always)
cus its one thing or another
I don’t even know why I bother
one thing I just cant get around
still I know you wont let me down

so my great-grandmother died yesterday, and I don't want to say I feel nothing, but it's true. I got my middle name from her, she made my grandpa who he is. The thing is, I never really knew her. She lived thousands of miles away. Should I still feel sad? Should I still feel remorseful that I never knew her?

This is the third time this has happened. I don't know what to do. My grandpa died when I was about 12, my grammy died a few weeks ago, and now my great-grandma. Once again, I feel nothing. The first 2 I knew, i bonded to but nothing. I am just waiting for all of the emotion to burst forth any second now, but I don't think it's going to happen.

This brings me to the thought that I am emotionally stunted. Aren't girls supposed to cry over everything? Feel more strongly? So now I am ever watchful for things that might set me off, might make me just hit the bottom. It's scary thinking that at any minute you could just plummet into sadness. Then again it's scary that I might never. That I can't. *sigh*