I Can Be Loathsome, I Can Wholesome

I've been home for an hour, and usually I don't stay up this late. I can't get to bed, and I'm not sure why. I keep telling myself it's the heat. Maybe it isn't? I think the summer heat brings out reality for me. Summer is so full of anticipation and hope and it makes me nervous. It makes me wonder about the mistakes I've made. About things I did that I don't think are mistakes, but seem wrong all the same.

I want to walk across the street and into the lake and just swim for a while. In the middle of the night. That would be relaxing.

I can't just go back to my bed and lay in the heat and think about everything. I'll lose my mind.

I keep talking about moving forward, but I'm not sure that I'm ready. I keep doubting everything for no reason. This is so stupid. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Why do I think so hard about every damn tiny little thing? It's going to be my downfall one day.

Remember when you are young and love is desperate and intense and crazy and idiotic? Your whole life is made or broken in a matter of instances and in some odd way it feels like it's normal? Everything stays exciting, but it also gets real and you are suddenly responsible for not only this other new person, but everyone that contacts your relationship. Then your love compared to their love and their old loves and your old loves and you wonder which is most correct.

Then you look at your love and you are so happy and relaxed and that teenage you is like, "Why didn't I have that? It's not so scary."

How do people that make the right choices make them? Is it just an impulse or instinct or do they really think it through? Is it wrong to consider your options before deciding or is that calculating? Can you be smart without being a shrew?

insert witty title here

so today was the final final day. You would think that the school would recognize it, but it's wierd when you have a Christian Lifestyles final and then ten minutes later be taking a Biotechnology final. I'm not complaining, it's just odd feeling. You go from what makes a marriage valid to DNA polymerase.

I think that pretty much sums up my mind though.

Ok, let me back up a little. I was talking to my cousin and I said, "Lela, I think people think I'm wierder than I actually am." It's because I'll say something, but wont explain my reasons and they a) get all confused or b) think I'm ADD.

Case in point: I was talking to my mom when we were looking at houses and she points out an English basement and comments on how much she likes them. If you dont know what an English basement is, look it up. I say that I dont like them and dont want to live in a house with one. This was almost 7 years ago. So about a year ago she goes,

"Katie, I never realized why you didnt want an English basement because I always thought the extra windows made basements less creepy, but I just realized why you said that. It's because of tornadoes."

uhh duh. We live in freaking Illinois, why would you want a nearly groundlevel basement? So for seven years she just thought I was some sort of architectural racist, when in reality I was just looking out for the safety of my family, go figure. haha.

So now should I just make sure everything is totally clear instead of assuming people are smart enough to get it? Then I would just end up babbling on and on about why this and why that and end up being some long winded annoying girl.