I Can Be Loathsome, I Can Wholesome

I've been home for an hour, and usually I don't stay up this late. I can't get to bed, and I'm not sure why. I keep telling myself it's the heat. Maybe it isn't? I think the summer heat brings out reality for me. Summer is so full of anticipation and hope and it makes me nervous. It makes me wonder about the mistakes I've made. About things I did that I don't think are mistakes, but seem wrong all the same.

I want to walk across the street and into the lake and just swim for a while. In the middle of the night. That would be relaxing.

I can't just go back to my bed and lay in the heat and think about everything. I'll lose my mind.

I keep talking about moving forward, but I'm not sure that I'm ready. I keep doubting everything for no reason. This is so stupid. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Why do I think so hard about every damn tiny little thing? It's going to be my downfall one day.

Remember when you are young and love is desperate and intense and crazy and idiotic? Your whole life is made or broken in a matter of instances and in some odd way it feels like it's normal? Everything stays exciting, but it also gets real and you are suddenly responsible for not only this other new person, but everyone that contacts your relationship. Then your love compared to their love and their old loves and your old loves and you wonder which is most correct.

Then you look at your love and you are so happy and relaxed and that teenage you is like, "Why didn't I have that? It's not so scary."

How do people that make the right choices make them? Is it just an impulse or instinct or do they really think it through? Is it wrong to consider your options before deciding or is that calculating? Can you be smart without being a shrew?

Boys Boys Boys, We Love Them

On the good news front:

• My son-of-a-bitch, panda-ass whore of a boss was transferred
• I'm gonna watch some chillens this summer
• tan!
• Makin some $$$

Today, I went to work and it wasn't so bad. More people came to see Hangover than I expected. Sooo glad I didn't have to close. Altogether a good day, even though it started with some groggy crabiness.

Stuff Katie wants to do this summer:

• Fill up her diary
• Go to concerts
• At least one out of state roadtrip
• Boy(s)?
• Get into college
• Save some lettuce
• Swim at least once a week
• Remember to tell the people she loves that she loves them
• Paint something that actually looks like she has talent
• Be more honest

Another Turning Point

I've realized today that this little portion of my life, this summer, is the doorway. I'm not in high school or college. I'm crossing that threshhold in my life. Obviously it's not the only one, and I'm not the only one in one. It's just wierd to be totally undefined by an institution, even for a short period of time.

Without the Sour the Sweet Wouldn't Taste

Alright school's officially out and I've lost that "Leaping Lizards, It's Summer" feeling. That's not to say I'm unhappy with my summer, I'm just being much more responsible than I envisioned. For example, I have a 40+ hour work week, but I get to play with kids all day. Crazy kids, but kids none the less. Or. It's hot as hades outside, but the storms are so wonderful I could lay out in the rain for hours.

Also, I've discovered that cleaning is very cathartic. I've never enjoyed organizing so much in my entire life. In this magical sea of discoveries, I've also noticed that I have way too many shoes. It's nearing disgusting. They are all, of course, beautiful shoes, but there are just so many. I've created quite the Goodwill pile as well. Lots of clothes. Not nasty old gross clothes, alot of them are nearly brand new. Which disgusts me even more that I never wore them. Some thrifty cool person will buy them and enjoy them, I'm sure.

In addition, I have sunburn. It doesn't hurt, but it does feel like it's officially completely summer. So tommorow I'll have some sweet tan lines and feel all teenagery. Speaking of, I need some teenager time. I am either surrounded by kids or adults. Where are all my peeps?

Party tommorow! I need to go clean...pish.