Thursday, April 30, 2009
Fuck You Very Much
I wish people would just tell me what they fucking want from me. I am so tired of my "friends" and "family" acting like I'm one huge fucking let down when they are the assholes who screwed me over in the first place. I just want to slap the shit out of them. God Damn It.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Split Me Right Open and Look Right Inside, There's So Many Things That I Try to Hide
I broke down today. Finally.
I didn't see it coming because my day was going so well. I woke up this morning and it was raining, you know how I love the rain. I got dressed in a rush because I had to be to work at 8:30, but I made it relatively on time. My meeting went well and afterwards I went to IHOP with a coworker who I've missed lately. We both had some time and I didn't really want to go home so we saw Observe & Report. It was OK. Classic Seth Rogan. So far so good.
The trouble didn't start until after I'd dropped her off at work. I was driving home and it was pouring and out of nowhere I started crying. I'm not sure what set me off but I just totally fell apart. After being numb inside for months, all this emotion was pouring out of me and I could barely drive. I pulled into a parking lot and just bawled. Everything that upset me rose up in my mind -- my dad, mom, step dad, stepmother, school, love, money, work, my secretly dead dog, my grandma tried to kill herself again and is now in a semiconscious state -- and I couldn't run away anymore. I'm not sure how long I sat in the car.
I've never cried like I cried today before. Just pure, unadulterated sadness. I felt totally lost. When everyone you should be able to lean on is either gone or useless, who do you turn to? Sure I have friends here, but none I'd be comfortable laying all my problems on.
Sometimes when my guard is down, I'll let a friend in on a little bit of what's going on. Usually I get a shocked/unsure look and something along the lines of, "You are so strong." They are so wrong. I'm not strong, I'm weak. I push back all the issues and pretend like nothing is upsetting me. I just go numb because I don't want to face my real life.
When things get like this, all I want to do is run away. Start completely over somewhere new. I've considered something like AmeriCorps, a service organization that will house and give you living expenses in return for up to a year of full time service. I think spending a year without personal responsibility and drama in service of others would be so healthy for me. Telling the people I love is a totally different can of worms. Which is probably why it'll never happen.
If I get any more desperate for freedom, I might just go without a lot of notice. Sometimes you have to do things for yourself.
I didn't see it coming because my day was going so well. I woke up this morning and it was raining, you know how I love the rain. I got dressed in a rush because I had to be to work at 8:30, but I made it relatively on time. My meeting went well and afterwards I went to IHOP with a coworker who I've missed lately. We both had some time and I didn't really want to go home so we saw Observe & Report. It was OK. Classic Seth Rogan. So far so good.
The trouble didn't start until after I'd dropped her off at work. I was driving home and it was pouring and out of nowhere I started crying. I'm not sure what set me off but I just totally fell apart. After being numb inside for months, all this emotion was pouring out of me and I could barely drive. I pulled into a parking lot and just bawled. Everything that upset me rose up in my mind -- my dad, mom, step dad, stepmother, school, love, money, work, my secretly dead dog, my grandma tried to kill herself again and is now in a semiconscious state -- and I couldn't run away anymore. I'm not sure how long I sat in the car.
I've never cried like I cried today before. Just pure, unadulterated sadness. I felt totally lost. When everyone you should be able to lean on is either gone or useless, who do you turn to? Sure I have friends here, but none I'd be comfortable laying all my problems on.
Sometimes when my guard is down, I'll let a friend in on a little bit of what's going on. Usually I get a shocked/unsure look and something along the lines of, "You are so strong." They are so wrong. I'm not strong, I'm weak. I push back all the issues and pretend like nothing is upsetting me. I just go numb because I don't want to face my real life.
When things get like this, all I want to do is run away. Start completely over somewhere new. I've considered something like AmeriCorps, a service organization that will house and give you living expenses in return for up to a year of full time service. I think spending a year without personal responsibility and drama in service of others would be so healthy for me. Telling the people I love is a totally different can of worms. Which is probably why it'll never happen.
If I get any more desperate for freedom, I might just go without a lot of notice. Sometimes you have to do things for yourself.
Friday, April 17, 2009
I Know You're Gonna Find Your Way Back To Me
I just had an amazing, interesting 11 days. It was overwhelming, and amazing, and sometimes a little scary. Just getting to this point has been so unlikely. The fact that it even happened is a miracle in and of itself. Who am I to write it off?
The thought of even liking you never dawned on me. And love? Not in a million years. I wasn't ready to consider that. So when you told me you liked me I was shocked. How could that be? Why had I never thought of that? It didn't take me long to see that I liked you too. Alot. Alot more than I probably should have.
Still, it didn't really mean anything. There was nothing either of us could do about it. So we talked. Then, we talked more. When you talk to someone that much you either fall in love or start to get annoyed. I don't recall ever being annoyed. So when you dropped the L bomb, I was shocked again.
It took me some time to absorb that one. What was it, three weeks? How patient you are. It wasn't that I didn't love you, obviously I did. I just had to be ok with it before I could tell you. I was having a hard time justifying it to myself. How could I possibly love you? What kind of claim did I have to you? Once again, I said it back but there was nothing we could do. So we stayed just friends, kind of.
Half a year later, I'm on a plane to see you. I don't know how nervous you were, but the second I stepped off the plane into the hangar, I was a wreck. There was officially no turning back. What if our chemistry was a fluke? What if your family hated me? It's not like I could turn around, so I walked on. Then I saw you. You were standing there exactly like I thought you would be. Faux nonchalance.
One awkward hug and an extremely chivalrous baggage claim later, you got lost in a parking garage. And I thought you were smart...kidding. There began one of the best weeks of my life. I wouldn't change a thing. Well, ok maybe one thing, but not the thing you would change.
When I got home, I was sad, but everything went back to how it used to be. I think you had a harder time with the seperation than I did. That's how I've always been I guess. That's not to say I was happy about it, or even ok. I love you and it's hard to be apart from someone you love. Our disagreements got more and more frequent. Soon, I just wouldn't say anything because I was tired of not talking to you. I hated the awkward calls when we both knew I was mad but didn't want to actually bring it up.
Things got better, though. Your arrival was approaching and any friction we had was set aside because our happiness to be together overshadowed it. Once again, I was pretty self-conscious when I went to pick you up. I kept finding reasons this time would be different than last time. I kind of shoved those thoughts to the back of my mind so I could focus on the things I had to do. Drive. Remember where I lived. Breathe.
Looking back on the time you spent here, it was pretty up and down. Just a word to the wise, don't call a girl manly and you'll have more ups than downs. Everyone loved you though, I was so happy.
I'm not sure what we are now. I hope that we don't break and go back to what we were or end up not talking to each other. I don't want to lose my best friend. There are so many things I want to say, but I know I shouldn't. I guess we'll just have to hope that with time, it get's easier. I'll always love you.
The thought of even liking you never dawned on me. And love? Not in a million years. I wasn't ready to consider that. So when you told me you liked me I was shocked. How could that be? Why had I never thought of that? It didn't take me long to see that I liked you too. Alot. Alot more than I probably should have.
Still, it didn't really mean anything. There was nothing either of us could do about it. So we talked. Then, we talked more. When you talk to someone that much you either fall in love or start to get annoyed. I don't recall ever being annoyed. So when you dropped the L bomb, I was shocked again.
It took me some time to absorb that one. What was it, three weeks? How patient you are. It wasn't that I didn't love you, obviously I did. I just had to be ok with it before I could tell you. I was having a hard time justifying it to myself. How could I possibly love you? What kind of claim did I have to you? Once again, I said it back but there was nothing we could do. So we stayed just friends, kind of.
Half a year later, I'm on a plane to see you. I don't know how nervous you were, but the second I stepped off the plane into the hangar, I was a wreck. There was officially no turning back. What if our chemistry was a fluke? What if your family hated me? It's not like I could turn around, so I walked on. Then I saw you. You were standing there exactly like I thought you would be. Faux nonchalance.
One awkward hug and an extremely chivalrous baggage claim later, you got lost in a parking garage. And I thought you were smart...kidding. There began one of the best weeks of my life. I wouldn't change a thing. Well, ok maybe one thing, but not the thing you would change.
When I got home, I was sad, but everything went back to how it used to be. I think you had a harder time with the seperation than I did. That's how I've always been I guess. That's not to say I was happy about it, or even ok. I love you and it's hard to be apart from someone you love. Our disagreements got more and more frequent. Soon, I just wouldn't say anything because I was tired of not talking to you. I hated the awkward calls when we both knew I was mad but didn't want to actually bring it up.
Things got better, though. Your arrival was approaching and any friction we had was set aside because our happiness to be together overshadowed it. Once again, I was pretty self-conscious when I went to pick you up. I kept finding reasons this time would be different than last time. I kind of shoved those thoughts to the back of my mind so I could focus on the things I had to do. Drive. Remember where I lived. Breathe.
Looking back on the time you spent here, it was pretty up and down. Just a word to the wise, don't call a girl manly and you'll have more ups than downs. Everyone loved you though, I was so happy.
I'm not sure what we are now. I hope that we don't break and go back to what we were or end up not talking to each other. I don't want to lose my best friend. There are so many things I want to say, but I know I shouldn't. I guess we'll just have to hope that with time, it get's easier. I'll always love you.
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