One and One Makes Two, Two and One Make Three

Last night, I had not one, but two near accidents. The first happened while I was on my way to meet my boyfriend for dinner on his break. It was pouring buckets of rain. I came up to a red light near his work and a bolt of lightening shot down and struck the light pole right next to me. It startled me so much I was shaking all the way to pick him up.

After dinner I had relaxed and put the lightning behind me. As I was leaving the parking lot, a small bus hauled ass around the corner of the building and I had to slam on the brakes to avoid a head on collision.

During my brief but nervous ride home, I kept wondering what else was going to go wrong tonight. These things come in threes, as they say. I did make it home without any more incident. I was glad to be home, in my bed.

Split Me Right Open and Look Right Inside, There's So Many Things That I Try to Hide

I broke down today. Finally.

I didn't see it coming because my day was going so well. I woke up this morning and it was raining, you know how I love the rain. I got dressed in a rush because I had to be to work at 8:30, but I made it relatively on time. My meeting went well and afterwards I went to IHOP with a coworker who I've missed lately. We both had some time and I didn't really want to go home so we saw Observe & Report. It was OK. Classic Seth Rogan. So far so good.

The trouble didn't start until after I'd dropped her off at work. I was driving home and it was pouring and out of nowhere I started crying. I'm not sure what set me off but I just totally fell apart. After being numb inside for months, all this emotion was pouring out of me and I could barely drive. I pulled into a parking lot and just bawled. Everything that upset me rose up in my mind -- my dad, mom, step dad, stepmother, school, love, money, work, my secretly dead dog, my grandma tried to kill herself again and is now in a semiconscious state -- and I couldn't run away anymore. I'm not sure how long I sat in the car.

I've never cried like I cried today before. Just pure, unadulterated sadness. I felt totally lost. When everyone you should be able to lean on is either gone or useless, who do you turn to? Sure I have friends here, but none I'd be comfortable laying all my problems on.

Sometimes when my guard is down, I'll let a friend in on a little bit of what's going on. Usually I get a shocked/unsure look and something along the lines of, "You are so strong." They are so wrong. I'm not strong, I'm weak. I push back all the issues and pretend like nothing is upsetting me. I just go numb because I don't want to face my real life.

When things get like this, all I want to do is run away. Start completely over somewhere new. I've considered something like AmeriCorps, a service organization that will house and give you living expenses in return for up to a year of full time service. I think spending a year without personal responsibility and drama in service of others would be so healthy for me. Telling the people I love is a totally different can of worms. Which is probably why it'll never happen.

If I get any more desperate for freedom, I might just go without a lot of notice. Sometimes you have to do things for yourself.

We Lay, We Lay Together, Just Not Too Close, Too Close

Everyone always says you can't pick your family and then they laugh and you pretend you appreciate why your family is wierd or annoying. And then, my friends, you have days like I had on Sunday. You know, I really do try to find the silver lining and appreciate the irony of life, but even I can't fathom the motivation for what my relatives do.

Let us start from the beginning shall we? I get up sunday in a rather pleasant mood as my previous post would suggest. I get dressed, wake up my sister to minimal beating, so far it's a good start. I'm off to work where my favorite coworkers are there to laugh with. Still going strong with the good day. I make a killing during my shift AND I'm even. Can you hear the Hallelujah chorus? I try to get off early, but I dont. No biggie.

I get home, everyone is chill. Grab a bowl of soup, and wabam! I'm blindsided by some very aggravating and tragic news. My grandmother, well stepgrandmother, tried to commit suicide.
what the freaking fuck?

Obviously I havent reacted in the correct manner, but can you help how you feel? All I can think is how incredibly selfish it was. I dont want to get into the details, but seriously, its unfathomable to me.

Katie, not happy. right here. right now. anger, anger, anger, sadness. apathy. once again, I deal.