So Baby, Make a Move

So I've been working at my new full-time job at a major wireless carrier as a sales rep for 2 weeks now. Today is going to be the first day that I'll be alone there. I'm not nervous at all. Most of the people that come in are really nice and they know a lot about us already. (Aside from this one super racist cab driver that came in)

As much as I enjoy the job, it's not really in my field. I have another friend whose aunt is a doctor and she needs some help 1 or 2 days a week with paperwork. I've agreed to help out on my days off so that I can get a little tiny bit of experience in the healthcare field.

I feel like I'm checking a lot off my life to-do list. I got a MacBook for my birthday, I got a full-time job, I have active plans to move out, I got a sweet new Droid phone, I'm going to school, and I'm saving to buy a car. My sister actually yelled at me and told my I was being ridiculous for "fixing my life so fast." She was actually mad at me for taking control of my life.

My mom gets mad at me, too, for watching my own back. She thinks that I don't care about anyone else in my house. I told her that I do, but if I don't make sure I get what I need (i.e. a ride to work/school) then no one else will. She doesn't like that at all.

I am feeling good right now. Maybe I'm moving forward.

Baby When It's Love If It's Not Rough It Isn't Fun

I've been pondering alot lately about the state of my life. I bitch, I moan, but where does it get me? No where.

I think a little piece of me enjoys the drama. It keeps my life from getting stagnant, but mostly it bugs the shit out of me. On that note, I got some good news today. My parents met with a financial planner to help them sort out their rediculous financial situation so that maybe one day I can go back to school and make something of my life. So my siblings can live in a house as a family instead of spread around our extended family.

I'm so happy my parents are taking responsibility and taking steps to improve this massively unsavory situation. All I can do now is keep saving my money and hope to God this all pans out.

If You Say Goodbye Today, I Ask You to Be True

Indecision is something that people face everyday. It could be simply muffin or bagel? It might be as complicated as teacher or doctor? I understand indecision. I face it everyday, we all do.

The hardest aspect of it is when indecision involves the life of someone else. Then we have to consider their needs and emotions. That is sometimes forgotten. We think only of ourselves. It's not that we don't care about the others, of course we do! It's that we assume either A) they want us to do what we want despite any concerns we may have or B) we forget they will be affected by our choices.

What happens when you are the other person? When someone else makes a decision that impacts your life? I'll tell you what happens. You accept it. Whether or not you like it, you accept it. You think to yourself, they don't know how much it hurts you, and you choose to keep it to yourself, the pain. Why bring them into it? They should be happy, they should get what they want.

It happens. It happens to me all the time. It happens to everyone.

Your father marries a woman who doesn't love you. Your landlord evicts your family. They just want love, they just want to stay in the black. You deal with it. You might hurt for a while, but you just keep going.

You look to the future. You decide you'll think of others. You'll treat people right. You might suffer a little, but you don't want people to hurt like you hurt everyday.

All these things are slightly painful. What hurts the most is when they go back on the choice. They decide that they made a mistake, but the damage is done. You are a little more cracked. A little more raw.

And when they go back? It hurts again. That they think you and your emotions will just bend to their will again. You can't help but just accept it again. You liked how it used to be. You convince yourself it will be the same. That love you were afraid to lose, the comfort you had, you want it so badly.

You wonder how much longer it will be until you can't take it anymore.

Split Me Right Open and Look Right Inside, There's So Many Things That I Try to Hide

I broke down today. Finally.

I didn't see it coming because my day was going so well. I woke up this morning and it was raining, you know how I love the rain. I got dressed in a rush because I had to be to work at 8:30, but I made it relatively on time. My meeting went well and afterwards I went to IHOP with a coworker who I've missed lately. We both had some time and I didn't really want to go home so we saw Observe & Report. It was OK. Classic Seth Rogan. So far so good.

The trouble didn't start until after I'd dropped her off at work. I was driving home and it was pouring and out of nowhere I started crying. I'm not sure what set me off but I just totally fell apart. After being numb inside for months, all this emotion was pouring out of me and I could barely drive. I pulled into a parking lot and just bawled. Everything that upset me rose up in my mind -- my dad, mom, step dad, stepmother, school, love, money, work, my secretly dead dog, my grandma tried to kill herself again and is now in a semiconscious state -- and I couldn't run away anymore. I'm not sure how long I sat in the car.

I've never cried like I cried today before. Just pure, unadulterated sadness. I felt totally lost. When everyone you should be able to lean on is either gone or useless, who do you turn to? Sure I have friends here, but none I'd be comfortable laying all my problems on.

Sometimes when my guard is down, I'll let a friend in on a little bit of what's going on. Usually I get a shocked/unsure look and something along the lines of, "You are so strong." They are so wrong. I'm not strong, I'm weak. I push back all the issues and pretend like nothing is upsetting me. I just go numb because I don't want to face my real life.

When things get like this, all I want to do is run away. Start completely over somewhere new. I've considered something like AmeriCorps, a service organization that will house and give you living expenses in return for up to a year of full time service. I think spending a year without personal responsibility and drama in service of others would be so healthy for me. Telling the people I love is a totally different can of worms. Which is probably why it'll never happen.

If I get any more desperate for freedom, I might just go without a lot of notice. Sometimes you have to do things for yourself.

Mad Scientists of Today and Tommorow

so yesterday in Biotechnology we are finishing the move Pandora's Box and it's all about Jim Watson and his views on genetic engineering and purification and whatnot of the future. Now if you've ever seen the man you'd immediatly notice that he is slightly creepy. I don't know if it's that he is old or that everytime he says something he finds profound he gives you this wide-eyed "hey I'm a genius and I just blew your mind" look. Either way, I find him both smart and creepy.

In my last post I quoted him, and here I shall quote him further:

"We're playing god, but that's an awefully good thing to do."

Am I the only one seeing an issue with that? Whether or not you beleive in God or gods, I think the fact that he is, in fact, aiming to be a godlike being is rediculous.

To just give some background, the whole movie was really about Eugenics, it is this idea of purifying the gene pool. Now that sounds wrong in many ways, but ideally it isn't supposed to be. The aims of eugenics are to eliminate disease, hereditary in nature. Things like sickle cell anemia and manic depression could essentially be weeded out of the world.

There have been, however, some extremely disgusting cases of botched eugenics in the past. The most widely known one being the experiments done by the Nazi party in Germany. Their goal, duh, was to create a pure Aryan race. They tried changing eye color and hair color in sick, twisted, and dangerous experiments.

Watson argues, though, that instead of just having children with cystic fibrosis or hemophelia, parents could choose to not let these genes be reproduced. (here is the biggie) His solution to what parents would see as a problem in a child would be to terminate pregnancies. He argues parents should have the option to test for genetic "issues" and opt to end the pregnancy before it comes to term so the children dont have to "suffer" with any disease during their lives.

He isnt saying they should, he is saying they should be able to. The producers of the movie did interview an author on the genetic nature of Manic Depression about what she thought about this new eugenics. The woman suffers from manic depression and has made a suicide attempt in her past. She can make the pedigree of her family and show who has had manic depression and who has made attempts at suicide. She tells about how when she was diagnosed her doctor told her not to have kids because it was hereditary. Apalling of him, I know. She then argues that people shouldnt use eugenics to rid the population of her disease. The thing is, people with Manic Depression have a higher tendency to be extremely creative. She counters Watson with the fact that by ridding society of people like her, you would be eliminating a large portion of the creativity of the world.

He counters with by letting people be born with this terrible disease, you would be letting them suffer.

I sat through this movie for two days and at every turn I changed my mind. At first I was totally turned off to Watson's ideals, but once you see past the crazy you can see some truth and some respect for human life, sorta. Then I'm totally disgusted again. This movie made me so sdlhighodiag hdgndlghidogh. oh yeah.

So that was the past part, now on to the future.

My plan is to be a doctor, so lots of science. The only severly interesting part of it all to me is genetics. This is so vital to me that I have a stand on it, and all I'm getting is more confused. I dont want to be some crazed Hitleresque genetecist who let's you design your baby. I also dont want to be responsible for the suffering of a helpless being. I mean, sure, I have ten years to figure it out, but still....haha.