The World Has It's Shine

I really should have seen this coming. I think what surprised me most is that it was the exact opposite of what you used to tell me, to reassure me. Maybe I was blinded by how happy I was or maybe I never thought you would do something like that. I don't know.

I'm not mad, I understand. I agree, even. I am just very sad. You probably don't want to read this, you probably won't read it. I bet you told yourself not to. Whatever, it's here anyways.

You really are my best friend. Not talking to you is very hard for me, but I will respect this decision. At first I was a little angry that you decided this all on your own. Why didn't you talk to me about it? You can't choose these things for me.

He was sitting there with me when I got those texts, but I didn't have the heart to tell him what they said. I just summed it up. It was so late and I couldn't decide whether or not to cry or fume or just accept it or what.

For the past couple days I've been thinking about it and I decided you were right. It wouldn't be fair at all, we would be doomed from the start. I'm glad you knew it because I certainly didn't. Sometimes I wish you were here to talk to about all this new stuff, but how freakishly inappropriate would that be?

I want to know how you are. I want to know how you felt when I told you. I'm not going to ask you. I'm not going to call or text you or email you. I desperately want to.

I got those tickets taken care of, FYI.

I'm not trying to bait you into contact, this is just the only way I can sort through all this for myself. I'm going to be fair to him and to you and to myself.

Maybe in a few months, once I feel secure, I'll throw you a line. It will be up to you to respond, but don't for one second think that those texts will be the last things you hear from me, you can't get rid of me that easily.

Boys Boys Boys, We Love Them

On the good news front:

• My son-of-a-bitch, panda-ass whore of a boss was transferred
• I'm gonna watch some chillens this summer
• tan!
• Makin some $$$

Today, I went to work and it wasn't so bad. More people came to see Hangover than I expected. Sooo glad I didn't have to close. Altogether a good day, even though it started with some groggy crabiness.

Stuff Katie wants to do this summer:

• Fill up her diary
• Go to concerts
• At least one out of state roadtrip
• Boy(s)?
• Get into college
• Save some lettuce
• Swim at least once a week
• Remember to tell the people she loves that she loves them
• Paint something that actually looks like she has talent
• Be more honest

She Was Born to Be the Woman I Would Know

I'm an independent person. I'm going to do things that maybe don't sit well with people. I think that I'm trustworthy enough to be left to my own devices. Most of the things I do, I do for me.

That being said, I don't always think about what other people with think or feel about me. Some people find this to be an attribute, others a fault. Either way, it won't change that I walk boldly forward with whatever I decide.

Some things I don't do alone and I do consider the other person. Sometimes these things are sensitive. For me. Regret isn't something I want to feel after the life I've led. I'm done looking back and feeling sick about what has occurred. That's why I do what I want when I want. I'm tired of worrying.

Things That Have Changed About Katie:

• Regret
• Appearances, specifically what other people think of me, not so much physical
• Drama, I don't create and I don't partake
• I used to be pretty high strung, not so much anymore
• I used to let things get to me, but circumstances have dictated that I either let things go/roll off my back or be consumed with overwhelming stress
• Now, Katie is priority one. I love my family and my friends, but I just can't pander to them all.

This may all sound a bit cynical or harsh, but I don't think I would be able to survive much more of the crap I've had to deal with in the last year if I didn't thicken my skin a little. I still love everyone, and I still care. Sometimes you have to just take care of yourself first, before you can think about what other people need.

I'm still the same girl, just a little smarter but at the same time a little more guarded. Lots of things have shaped me to be who I am now. Most of them bad, but quite a few marvelous.