Just Live Your Life

My dad still isn't talking to me but it's made me realize one very important thing. When I made the decision to go to Colorado, I knew it was what I wanted to do. I was happy, I am happy that I went. As upsetting as it is that he is mad, I am still glad I made that choice. I lived my life how I wanted to. One of very few times I have done that. I have no regrets and that feels so good. Just blissful. Content. At peace.

I Tried To Fight It Off

So I went to the doctor yesterday and got some interesting, but not surprising, news. They don't know what's wrong with me. I have this rash all over my feet, legs, hands and elbows and they don't know what to attribute it to. I also have some absesses (sp?) on my legs, but apparently those are just infections so I'm on an antibiotic (Clindamycin) to fix that.

The fun part is, I get to go to a bunch of specialists to figure this mystery rash out. The dermatologist on Monday, the endocrinologist at the end of November (who knew there was such a long wait for one of those?), and the rheumatologist whenever I make the appointment.

The rash isnt even the part I have a problem with. Sure it itches for a few days, but that fades. I just feel so tired and weak. I've never felt weak in my life. It's quite disconcerting. I feel sick, which is new as well. Sure I've felt nauseous from time to time, but that's not what I mean. I feel like my body is trying to fix me and it's annoying. I'm lethargic and my muscles hurt now, which I was supposed to call my doctor if that happened but seeing as it's saturday I'll have to wait until monday.

My mom is being wierd and annoying, but my sister has taken to calling me her "sick angel" and I find that highly amusing.

I guess the only thing I'm hoping for is that when they figure this out, it's not an ailment that will last my entire life. I don't want to have to take medication everyday until I die.

You Make Me Feel Just Like A Child Now

I'm sooooo tired of being disregarded and passed up for oppurtunities. Fuck my life, I'm unhappy. I don't know if this is depression, I'm doubting that. My school just seems.....apathetic. All my friends are gone. I hate my job. My family is a mess. I just can't cope anymore. I think I've put up with this crapfest for long enough. I'm transferring and starting over. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Needle In The Hay

My room is so filled with stuff I have to plan my entrance around high tide. Today is the day, my friends, that I clean it once and for all. Laundry will be done, clothes folded, and actually put in the dresser. Amazing, I know. I'll find the few stray books not on my shelves. I might even get crazy and finish the accent painting around the top. Those stripes won't paint themselves. I can't wait to find all my CDs too. Those that need to be put on my Zune will be, too. I might even make my bed! Holy crap!

P.S. I'm in love. &&& This is the best love song ever. The Luckiest by Ben Folds. It's mesmerizingly beautiful.

These Are Just the Rules and Regulations

I went to Pharmacological and Medical Terminology class today and realized just how unnaturally interested I am in all things medical. That's not to say I wasn't bored to death in class, I just liked the actually valid parts. I can't tell you just how fascinated I was when the diagram of a neuron popped up on the PowerPoint. I learned how antideppressants work and how dopamine works and how if you don't get enough dopamine you can get Parkinsonian symptoms.

I guess people have to go to class to learn in an organized way instead of learning on the job. School is a means to an end.

Some Strange Machines Repeating Beats and Thumping Bass

I think there is something magical about apple tank tops. I own two. Every time I where one, someone says something along the lines of, "I quite enjoy your apple tank top." Which also happens when I wear my strawberry tank. Perhaps fruits and berries have this odd effect on people. I like them.

And, I know this happens to everyone, with few rare exceptions, but my hair is getting so long. I haven't really cut it since April of 2007 when I cut a foot off. By April 2009, it'll be as long as it was when I cut it. Which brings me to the question of whether or not I should keep growing it out. By then it will be so long I won't be able to brush it from top to bottom in one stroke unless my head is upside down, which totally defeats the purpose of brushing.

I'm wearing sweatpants.

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Finally, to the point of my post. I have heard rumors of a magical combination of two of my favorite artists. Ben Folds and Regina Spektor. So basically...



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It's one odd love child, but I like it. Not the video, but the song.

And It Makes Me Smile...

Sometimes I feel bad that I don't blog more often. But no one really reads this. Plus, I have nothing to say today. Well not yet, it's only about 40 minutes into today.

I shouldn't really say that I have nothing to say. Clearly I've already said something. Everything else I could say isn't entirely exciting/upbeat so I'm choosing to leave it out in an attempt to make this a happier blog.

Also, I miss going to concerts. I'll have to do that soon.

I'm Really Lucky Underneath It All

Lately, I've been having alot of firsts:

1. The first time I didn't consult my dad about a decision.


2. The first time he's ever been mad at me.


3. My first college experiences.


4. The first time I've been palpable financial supporter of my family.


5. My first flight totally alone.


6. The first time my mom has ever trusted me to do something for myself.


7. The first time I walked down the street holding the hand of someone I care about and not worrying about the barrage of questions I'll inevitably get because, for once, I really don't care who sees.


8. The first time I slept in someone else's bed, with someone who isn't related or a girl. Take that dad.


9. First kiss.

Sometimes I wonder if I put too much or too little on this blog. There is a place in my mind where I catalogue all my blog ideas and very rarely do I post them. I love that there are people who read this, but at the same time I wish no one did or I wish everyone did. I want people to know what I think or what happens to me, but I also wish everything was a secret. I guess I just want people to be interested.

This is the Way That We Love

So here are some pictures. My mom and my grandmother were frustrated that I didn't take more people pictures. I'm just a landscape kind of girl I guess.

The traffic to O'Hare.

An Elk, there were a plethora.

A waterfall and the alluvial fan. James fell down it. :P

View out of the back of the van on our way to Long's Peak.

Some cool yellow trees.

Just a shot I liked.

Some echinacea. I think that's how it's spelled.

Rocky Mountain High

So I just got back from this awesome vacation. All family drama aside, I had a great time and I think (other than the obvious) it was because it was 100% stress free. Of course, I loved who I was with and the mountains were gorgeous. I don't know, I think this was exactly what I needed.

However, I'm really tired. I'm going to bed. More on this later?

But I'll Grind Against Your Bones...

Well that was depressing. I guess I'm just doing what every other transitioning kid is right now -- complaining. Haha. I guess I'm just not happy with what I have. Sounds pretty ungrateful, right? I know, I can't help it. I just try to make everyone happy, and that's not the right thing I guess. I shouldn't worry what they think. Yeah I'm going to stop worrying.

I guess this spawned that last revelation.

It says (in case you can't read it):

1. Border guards are paid to be assholes. Just stay calm

2. Drug dogs aren't trained to detect

3. Boxes of shins.

Also:

I find this song creepily, disgustingly perfect. Thoughts?

I'm a killer

Cold and wrathful

Silent sleeper

I've been inside your bedroom

I've murdered half the town

Left you love notes on their headstones

I'll fill the graveyards

Until I have you

Moonlight walking

I smell your softness

Carnivorous and lusting

To track you down among the pines

I want you stuffed into my mouth

Hold you down and tear you open

Live inside you

Oh, love I'd never hurt you

But I'll grind against your bones

Until our marrows mix

I will eat you slowly

Ohhhhh

The horror of our love

Never so much blood pulled through my veins

Ohhhhh

The horror of our love

Never so much blood

I wake in terror

Blackbirds screaming

Dark cathedrals spilling

Midnight on their alters

I'm your servant

My immortal

Pale and perfect

Such unholy heaving

The statues close their eyes

The room is changing

Break my skin

And drain me

Ancient language

Speak through fingers

The awful edges

Where you end and I begin

Inside your mouth

I cannot see

There's catastrophe

In everything I'm touching

As I sweat and crush you

And I hold your beating chambers

Until they beat no more

You die like angels sing

Ohhhhh

The horror of our love

Never so much blood pulled through my veins

Ohhhhh

The horror of our love

Never so much blood

You're a ghost, love

Nightgown flowing

Your body blue and walking

Along the continental shelf

You are a dream among the sharks

Beautiful and terrifying

Living restless

We dance in dark suspension

And you bury me

In the ocean floor beneath you

Where they'll never hear us scream

Ohhhhh

The horror of our love

Never so much blood pulled through my veins

Ohhhhh

The horror of our love

Never so much blood

It's actually very funny to hear. I know it seems frighteningly macabre here, but it's desperate and funny. In my opinion.

Shake It Off

Lately, I have felt kind of lost. or stuck. Like I've spent my whole life as this awkward, chubby, green little caterpillar and I made my chrysalis after all this bullshit and then it's finally time for me to crack it open and get the hell out and I made it too strong and now I'm stuck. I can see the freedom, I can taste the freedom, but fuck-my-life I can't get to it.

I did all the things a high schooler should do. I did the homework (mostly), I paid attention (mostly), I got a job, I did the extracurriculars, I applied to the schools. Honestly, none of it ever felt right, but I still did it. It was the right thing to do. But here I am, at home, not away like I need to be.

But on the bright side, I am in school full time and working alot. I guess by staying, I'm saving money, which is definitly necesary. I guess the whole point of this blog entry is that I'm tired of being Mom #2 and cheuffer and bread winner when that doesn't fit my station in life.