Let Me Be the One You Call to, Baby, All the Time

12/12/07
So I figure you should know that I love you. I've been in love with you for months and I just couldn't say it. Everytime you say you love me my heart stops and, for a second, I can't breathe. Trust me, it's not a bad thing because it makes me feel alive. You make me feel alive. The cute way you freak out when I get hurt or the way you always get what I mean. My heart aches when someone hurts you. All I want to do is hold you in my arms and never leave you. But you need to know, I can't always be there. I can't always put you first. It kills me because I know that's what will happen.

weird to look back huh?

76 Trombones and a Crucifix

1400+ pairs of Birkenstocks shuffle into Churchnasium. All the sheep wearing their gleeming red, white, and blue polos. Perfectly pleated, ironed khakis and polyester skirts find their way to chairs and bleachers.

4 Blue Ribbon Awards.

That's right, our school is perfect. Groomed. Bred. Paid for. Pedigrees are practically screaming at you.

Our choir sings for the bureacrats. Jazz band does its best. I'm proud.

Look. Look how we smile. We can clap at all the right places. We love each other. We are a community. We watch out for each other. We have each other's backs.

And then, I remember. The man they proclaim as "the best principle in the country" kicked my sister to the curb. Oh my aunt & 2 uncles too. Raging hypocrite. I'd hate to see the other principles.

I'm done being angry now. 4 more months and I'm free.

I'm So Tired of You, America

Sometimes I want to move away, to a beautiful country free of scumbags. Other times I just want a snowcone.

Break It Out

so, I've been in my first serious accident (I dont think fender benders count) and I am no worse for wear. My car, the pimpcar, is not. She is most definitly finished, Im crushed. She was the best car on earth.

Now it's all about calling and seeing what, if any, money i'll get for her so I can get a new car. *sigh* Why?

The Status Quo, or Pro, Depending on How You Look At It.

so today I'm once again in Adobe InDesign CS3, procrastinating like always and this is how I am.

• spinny chair
• untucked shirt
• illegal hoodie on
• Psychology homework out
• hair down
• sitting on my feet
• blogging

I think it's ok, I mean it is Friday after all.

The Book Thief and Some Quotes I Liked

1. She was a girl. In Nazi Germany. How fitting that she was discovering the power of words. (pg. 147)
2. So much good, so much evil. Just add water. (pg 164)
3. Even death has a heart. (pg. 242)
4. It was the beginning of the greatest Christmas ever. Little food. No presents. But there was a snowman in their basement. (pg. 312)
5. Sometimes I imagined how everything looked above those clouds, knowing without question that the sun was blonde, and that the endless atmospere was a giant blue eye. (pg 350)
6. They were French, they were Jews, and they were you. (pg 350)
7. It's amazing what you can peice together from a basement conversation and a reading session in a nasty old woman's kitchen. (pg 421)
8. It kills me sometimes, how people die. (pg 464)

Holding on to Silly Things, I Never Learn

haha. I'm at school. I'm in Adobe InDesign CS3 right now. I'm a badass.



So we are learning about all these tools, and features and all I want to do is go home and sleep or clean my room and live my life and make money so I dont have to worry anymore about all this other crap that I dont have time to do because I'm at school from 7 to 2.



I do, however, know it's important. I'm not going to drop out or anything because I don't feel like being here. Restless is the word of the week I think. I feel restless at school because I want to be done, and I'm literally restless, as in free of any rest. I'm not even that unhappy about it, it's just a hassle.

new fun word to say: bojangles

This hassle does have a funny consequence though. Like today, I got dressed for gym (I didnt have to, we werent dressing for gym today) and after class, as I'm changing back, I realize I forgot to pack my skirt. hallelujah. I would forget my skirt. So I skip off to the Attendence Office so I can go home to get it. None of my parents answer the phone. Great. Finally I call my dad and he tells them I can leave and off I go to trugde 2 blocks to my car to go home.



I get to my car and it has a flat. Not a low tire, but a FLAT one. Even better. No biggie, really. I drive to the gas station and put some air in it and it's fine. I go home, find my skirt, check an email haha, and go back to school. Oh I grabbed some breakfast too, strike while the iron is hot I say. I get to school just as first period ends and yay it's free period.



That probably saved my life. God I love those girls. Between them getting frustrated with Mahjong of all things, and then me being an idiot on TBF and Facebook, I can't remember a point when we aren't laughing.

Fidelity: A Metaphor for a Sad, Sad Friend

I was born and I was whole. See, but then I grew and I began to learn. The more I grew the more I realized. Then I got a cut. I thought that like other cuts it would go away. It, however, was quite persistant. Soon it bled, and then once i felt better, it began to close. Sure over the years it broke open and bled again, always to heal, but always to scar. Then I really started learning and the more the cut reopened and bled, and less and less it healed.

One day, before I could stop it, it ripped open and I couldnt control it anymore. In an explosion of pain, I realized this would not heal at all, or at least not before alot of pain. I couldnt do anything, I couldnt say anything, just stand and wait. Trying to be as unemotional as possible in the face of my attacker.

Then I let go, and slowly but surely the cut began to close, it began to heal. So slowly. So slowly I feared that something else would come to kick me when Im down. Yes, there were bumps and the potholes of life cropped up, but no damage too extensive.

And then, without warning, the healing took off. The end was in sight, I knew I'd be whole again.

Or so I thought.

Blow after blow, the cuts just kept coming. I couldnt stop them, and I thought, foolishly, Id be ok. As long as I had what I knew I needed, Id be ok. This hole, this wide gaping burning hole refuses to close. Suddenly it starts to open more. I struggle to hold myself together. Thank god I hold fast.

Ok bad moment, its healing, but with less reassurance. it wants to close, to heal, to scar, but its afraid to waste its time if another attack is coming. My body, like me, cant see the future.
So warily it heals. I dont have to hold on.

I'll just keep on keeping on because its all I was ever good at anyway.

I'd Like to Say Hello, Good Day, That is My Name

Sch00l is back in session and let me tell you my friends, it has been sweet. My schedule is as follows:

1. Early Bird Gym
2. Homeroom
3. World Literature
4. Free Period
5. Adobe In Design CS3
6. Art 4
7. Advanced Concepts/Pre-Calculus
8. Psychology
9. Nothing, I have early dismissal!

Oh baby baby, it's a breeze. Seriously, I have 100% confidence that this semester will be the perfect ending to a less than stellar school career. I even got a parking space today. It was amazing. I'm doubting anything can get me down. I even ankle deeped it in a tiny snow bank and I'm chipper.

Plus, lots of guys I know got really short hair cuts and the little fuzzy hairs are fun to rub. They dont like it that much, oh well, they can deal, it's what you get for looking like a chia pet.

We Lay, We Lay Together, Just Not Too Close, Too Close

Everyone always says you can't pick your family and then they laugh and you pretend you appreciate why your family is wierd or annoying. And then, my friends, you have days like I had on Sunday. You know, I really do try to find the silver lining and appreciate the irony of life, but even I can't fathom the motivation for what my relatives do.

Let us start from the beginning shall we? I get up sunday in a rather pleasant mood as my previous post would suggest. I get dressed, wake up my sister to minimal beating, so far it's a good start. I'm off to work where my favorite coworkers are there to laugh with. Still going strong with the good day. I make a killing during my shift AND I'm even. Can you hear the Hallelujah chorus? I try to get off early, but I dont. No biggie.

I get home, everyone is chill. Grab a bowl of soup, and wabam! I'm blindsided by some very aggravating and tragic news. My grandmother, well stepgrandmother, tried to commit suicide.
what the freaking fuck?

Obviously I havent reacted in the correct manner, but can you help how you feel? All I can think is how incredibly selfish it was. I dont want to get into the details, but seriously, its unfathomable to me.

Katie, not happy. right here. right now. anger, anger, anger, sadness. apathy. once again, I deal.

We Were Born For This

Today I discovered something that, previously, I would have deemed stupid/gross/lazy to actually be extremely enjoyable. Right now, right this very second as I am posting this, I am sitting in my spinny computer chair in my underwear and my Ben Folds T-shirt. AND it's amazing. Pants you ask? for wimps I say! and now I have to get ready for work. lameness!!!

Rest Will Find Us, We Belong Here

It's Friday afternoon, and today is looking mildly tolerable. I broke out a bottle of sparkling cider and split it with my seven year old brother. For a bit I was wallowing in self pity and angst on the whole college thing. I really want to get a yes, but I'm scared. Then I went out to check on my brother and....a tickle fight ensued. Yeah I'm a grown up. Wierd how playing with a little kid
can make all your worries go away. Or maybe it's just me. haha. I guess it just put alot of things in perspective.

"Children are life." - Denzel Washington

I think he was right. Is it going to end my life if I dont get into the school I want? no. Will I be sad? of course. I still have him, I still have my family and my mind and what else do I really need? It's just that time of year when everyone freaks about Christmas presents and New Year's kisses and that's all fun and good. I dont know, sure I posted about commercialism but I didnt forget about family and all the important stuff that is idealized by the holiday season.

Now that all the stress is over and I can have a relaxing last semester and really enjoy myself like I havent been able to for a long time. For the first time in a long time, I'm looking forward with actual stress-free happiness. I have my friends, my job, my life and I'm happy with it all.

Everytime this happens, it is subsequently followed by a period of extreme stress and anxiety like, for example, how you would feel moving away from your family to a huge school and knowing no one. However, I choose to ignore this inevitability and proceed blindly forth with a false sense of security for 7 more months of ignorant bliss. yay!