So What, So I've Got a Smile On, But It's Hiding the Quiet Superstitions In My Head

I'm not going to school this semester and at first I was consumed with anger. I was angry with my mom for not being honest with me, I was angry with my dad for not keeping up with my life, and mostly I was angry with myself for not seeing this sooner. For not taking affirmative action. For not taking responsiblity.

Now, I am more at peace with it. I'm working more, I'm saving money. I found a car I might be able to buy. I've even started applying to universities again. I think that, although this situation is less than exemplary, there is a silver lining. I will go back in the summer to catch up.

That isn't to say I'm happy with it now. I'm most certainly not. However, this is something I can control, something I can fix.

Bleeding Bells of Inner Guilt, Salvation Razor Thin

My mom is always on my case. She wants to know where I am, who I'm with, and what I'm doing all the time. Last night she called me at 1:30 in the morning while I was at a friends house because I wasn't home yet.

The thing is, I really don't care enough to call her to ease her worry. I'm just tired of putting up with her two-faced concern. If she is always taking my money but not paying my tuition then I don't feel obligated to ask her permission to live my life. I put gas in the car, I watch her kids, I sacrifice so she can do whatever shit she wants. Well I'm done. Forget going back to school for the spring semester, I'm getting the fuck out of there. I'm 19 and I can handle this. She can put on her fake sad face, I don't care.

She spends all her really affection on my siblings anyway. No matter what she says, I'll guarantee she still harbors feelings of blame for me. Whatever. I'm tired of being hurt.

Pain, Can't Get Enough

I got my cartilage pierced today and it was glorious. My friend Kathie is a trained professional, I wouldn't have it any other way, and she did it for me. I suppose that makes her my drug dealer. The thing is, I love to get pierced. Please don't take that sexually because I mean it in the metal-rod-shooting-through-flesh-to-add-accesories way, not the penis-pounding-into-you kind of way. Everytime I get this done, this being the fifth time, I am filled to the brim with adrenaline and endorphins. Some have called me a masochist, others think that I'm covering an inner problem with my love of piercings. To both of them I say, touche. I do like the pain and that could be the inner problem I cover with the piercings, but I think that in the general scheme of things, I could be doing worse. I don't cut, I don't brood, I have no substance abuse problems. Plus now I can wear more bling. I see no issue.

When I Crack That Whip, Everybody Goin' Trip

So two things I've noticed lately:

1. My friends and family have started saying "pish" more and more. It's used to replace words like rediculous, crap, stuff, and even shenanigans. I am ever so proud.
2. The snow is improving my overall mood greatly. Some people get SAD in the winter but not me, I get giddy. I love the snow.

In The Mood

In my psych class, we learned about the nature of males and females. That girls try harder to be people pleasers at a very early age. It's actually why we are better at communicating than males. We speak because it makes people happy. Males are less caring about pleasing others so they do what they want - explore. That's why males crawl and walk faster. Women can recognize emotion before they even recognize that it's a face they are looking at. All in order to figure out how best to make the person happy, or to maintain their happiness. I think this is pretty accurate. I find myself basing decisions off of what other people (might) think. I want to make people happy all the time.

It's definitely something that everyone, male or female, does. I think it's mostly a subconscious thing, though. We live in a time when everyone has to be unique. Individuality is stressed as well as excellence. We are all supposed to shine.

But why is that? In earlier time in this past century, conformity was key. When women broke a few glass ceilings here and there there was more competition in the workforce and that competition now contained massive amounts of people pleasers. As a result, well all have to fight to shine because as women fill positions that men once held and men have to adapt to our natural disposition. It's all quite ironic.

You're Born of a Jackal

So I was thinking about jackals so I googled "scary jackals" and this was the first image to come up. Wow.

Just Live Your Life

My dad still isn't talking to me but it's made me realize one very important thing. When I made the decision to go to Colorado, I knew it was what I wanted to do. I was happy, I am happy that I went. As upsetting as it is that he is mad, I am still glad I made that choice. I lived my life how I wanted to. One of very few times I have done that. I have no regrets and that feels so good. Just blissful. Content. At peace.

I Tried To Fight It Off

So I went to the doctor yesterday and got some interesting, but not surprising, news. They don't know what's wrong with me. I have this rash all over my feet, legs, hands and elbows and they don't know what to attribute it to. I also have some absesses (sp?) on my legs, but apparently those are just infections so I'm on an antibiotic (Clindamycin) to fix that.

The fun part is, I get to go to a bunch of specialists to figure this mystery rash out. The dermatologist on Monday, the endocrinologist at the end of November (who knew there was such a long wait for one of those?), and the rheumatologist whenever I make the appointment.

The rash isnt even the part I have a problem with. Sure it itches for a few days, but that fades. I just feel so tired and weak. I've never felt weak in my life. It's quite disconcerting. I feel sick, which is new as well. Sure I've felt nauseous from time to time, but that's not what I mean. I feel like my body is trying to fix me and it's annoying. I'm lethargic and my muscles hurt now, which I was supposed to call my doctor if that happened but seeing as it's saturday I'll have to wait until monday.

My mom is being wierd and annoying, but my sister has taken to calling me her "sick angel" and I find that highly amusing.

I guess the only thing I'm hoping for is that when they figure this out, it's not an ailment that will last my entire life. I don't want to have to take medication everyday until I die.

You Make Me Feel Just Like A Child Now

I'm sooooo tired of being disregarded and passed up for oppurtunities. Fuck my life, I'm unhappy. I don't know if this is depression, I'm doubting that. My school just seems.....apathetic. All my friends are gone. I hate my job. My family is a mess. I just can't cope anymore. I think I've put up with this crapfest for long enough. I'm transferring and starting over. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Needle In The Hay

My room is so filled with stuff I have to plan my entrance around high tide. Today is the day, my friends, that I clean it once and for all. Laundry will be done, clothes folded, and actually put in the dresser. Amazing, I know. I'll find the few stray books not on my shelves. I might even get crazy and finish the accent painting around the top. Those stripes won't paint themselves. I can't wait to find all my CDs too. Those that need to be put on my Zune will be, too. I might even make my bed! Holy crap!

P.S. I'm in love. &&& This is the best love song ever. The Luckiest by Ben Folds. It's mesmerizingly beautiful.

These Are Just the Rules and Regulations

I went to Pharmacological and Medical Terminology class today and realized just how unnaturally interested I am in all things medical. That's not to say I wasn't bored to death in class, I just liked the actually valid parts. I can't tell you just how fascinated I was when the diagram of a neuron popped up on the PowerPoint. I learned how antideppressants work and how dopamine works and how if you don't get enough dopamine you can get Parkinsonian symptoms.

I guess people have to go to class to learn in an organized way instead of learning on the job. School is a means to an end.

Some Strange Machines Repeating Beats and Thumping Bass

I think there is something magical about apple tank tops. I own two. Every time I where one, someone says something along the lines of, "I quite enjoy your apple tank top." Which also happens when I wear my strawberry tank. Perhaps fruits and berries have this odd effect on people. I like them.

And, I know this happens to everyone, with few rare exceptions, but my hair is getting so long. I haven't really cut it since April of 2007 when I cut a foot off. By April 2009, it'll be as long as it was when I cut it. Which brings me to the question of whether or not I should keep growing it out. By then it will be so long I won't be able to brush it from top to bottom in one stroke unless my head is upside down, which totally defeats the purpose of brushing.

I'm wearing sweatpants.

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Finally, to the point of my post. I have heard rumors of a magical combination of two of my favorite artists. Ben Folds and Regina Spektor. So basically...



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It's one odd love child, but I like it. Not the video, but the song.