Stuck Between Me and You

I just added the list of rules to the sidebar of Pish Posh Ba Gosh. I think that, without explanation, they might seem condescending or paranoid or something. Please let me explain.

The biggest struggle I've had with this blog is that I want to write personal things on it without feeling self-conscious about it. I also want to write as if this is a private diary, but if I know for sure who is reading it and what they are reading I will start to write with them in mind.

Back in the day in free period, I spent a lot of time writing on this blog. My friend occasionally read over my shoulder or would pull up the site on their computer and then talk to me about what I just put up. I don't know why but I felt so vulnerable. The posts were so fresh and they were ready with a comment or question. I understand why, I just felt self-conscious.

Comments are OK, and I couldn't tell you why they are different, but they just are.

I don't want to write here for a specific audience. If I were to write something that I knew would upset someone who read this, I would have to leave it out or change a story. You know I don't like to lie, and I feel like an omission is a lie.

So basically, if you want to comment about it, feel free. There is a comment feature for that purpose. You know I'll get them and usually respond.

***EDIT***
These rules are totally stupid.
DELETE.

Girl, You Must Be an Astronaut

So bad news...
My phone is out again. I feel disconnected.

Ed has the swine flu. He slept with me last night.

Probably won't be able to go to school next semester. Poor.

but good new too!
I got a new job. When I leave I feel.....happy?

My room is clean. I know, I was shocked too.

I glazed my lamp today. Well, half of it really. I'm pretty thrilled.

I Was Floating Down That Riverway

So I guess I should update. I've really been trying to get on this more, it always makes me feel like I've crossed my t's and dotted my i's.

Anyway...

Work
I put my two weeks in at Showplace and started training at my new job. It is very strange to start something new. I've been at Showplace for so long, I know everthing an employee can do there so I think my new job will take some getting used to. The silver lining is no more horrifying bowties! Or idiot coworkers!


Holidays
I started my Christmas shopping, also. So far I have some clothes for my little goddaughter, but I think she needs a toy or two to play with while she looks so adorable in the clothes. I have a few gifts already picked out for some other people too. I like getting a head start, that way I won't be strapped for cash later.


Cars
The Fiero is running pretty well these days, but the Shaggin' Wagon is dead forever. It only took us 8 months for us to kill it. So as of right this second, we have a two-seater car for 6 people. Logistics nightmare.

School
I just got all my bowls back from being glaze fired and they look (mostly) awesome! Maybe I'll get some pics up here. I put my lamp in the kiln room to be fired so hopefully I'll have a lamp to glaze soon. My ceramics class has moved on to working on wheels and I am hopelessly bad at it. I work there for hours, get covered in clay and make maybe 2 successful cups. 2 not so hot cups. I guess it's ok, because they are cup shaped, but other than that...meh.

Biology was pretty hard because it was all chemistry but now we are on to genetics and DNA so I'm as happy as I could possibly be. ( a XXX female isn't as scandalous as it sounds)

Family
My cousin just had her baby so now there are five living generations of my family. It's basically awesome. Holidays are coming up so pandemonium is sure to ensue.

Afterthoughts...
I think I'll need to move out soon. Living at home just isn't smart anymore. I think it would be better (financially) for my parents if I was out of there. I don't know how I would do it, but I'll figure it out. Sooner the better.

Can You Feel the Pressure?

46 days until Christmas. I have give or take 30 people I'd like to get gifts for. I think I can swing it if I start buying things now. The problem is I put way too much thought into what I want to get someone. I'd rather get someone nothing than something they wouldn't absolutely love. So I have been studiously researching things for everyone on my list. I know what a few people are getting for sure and then ideas for quite a few more.

There are people I never know what to buy for. My parents for example. I know my mom should get something practical but I know how much she loves sentimental things and my dad is the other way around. He has what he needs (he's pretty simple) but he isn't the sentimental type.

I am making extreme progress on my gift finding though. I'm pretty excited. The internet is a magical gift. Now if I can work enough to get what I want and if I can, then if I could only find the time to go out and buy the stuff. Wrapping is a joke.

Everyone's Lookin at You Like They Want to Go Home With You

Every girl at my work loves to tell me all about their lives and who they like and what's going on with them. It's been like that forever. Girls like to talk to me. Girls who barely know me. I'm not sure why, but it happens.

Over the past couple years girls have been telling me that -in varying degrees- they like the guy I'm with now. Before I would just agree with them or remind them that he has a girlfriend or that he is their boss, depending on when they mentioned it.

So now when it happens, I can't help but laugh. I know what it's like to like him and for him to be oblivious. I all but gave up on him before he asked me out. It seems, though, that as soon as we started dating every girl in the building was amorous towards him and felt an enormous compulsion to tell me about it. One girl told me all about how they wanted to sleep with him and how hot he was...EVERYDAY.

We have to keep our relationship hush hush at work or he'll get fired, and I don't want that on my conscience. So these girls tell me all these things that I'm sure they wouldn't if they knew we were going out. I had to tell one girl not to keep saying these things because the other employees would think something was going on between she and him. Awkward.

I'm Not Together but I'm Getting There

Slowly, my emotions are inversing. The ratio of sadness/hurt to happiness is slipping towards the positive. I think I just need to let go. Let go. Let go. I can't make anyone see things my way. I guess it just depends on your frame of mind. It makes me sad that I'll probably lose an old friendship and a newer one too, but sometimes people walk away and you have to let them.

The world doesn't revolve around me, I know that. How could I expect other people to put my emotions before thier own? You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. You have to think of your own happiness before you can make someone else happy. I've said this before and I'll say it again, sometimes you have to be selfish.

However, sometimes being selfish comes with consequences. Those are the things you need to consider. Pros and cons. I understand it can be very tricky. Outside factors and all that.

People make decisions and that's that. You can't change the decisions you've made in the past, you can only affect the ones you are going to make. I choose the path of least resistance. I choose to step back and focus on the things in my life I can be a part of wholly. I will spend time on the things that make me happy. I do spend time on the things that make me happy.

I was the consequence, do not regret me. Do not try to undo what happened or pretend everything is ok. Everything is not ok. Best friends to aquaintances. It's happened before, it'll happen again. I want you to be happy, but I don't think that includes me.

I'm not completely back together, but I'm on my way.

...

You know, everyone gets hurt sometimes. It's just part of life. Life, however, has decided that that's not enough for me. Apparently, I just need to get shat all over and then abandoned and then who knows? Maybe the sun will come out.

I don't know how much more of this I can take before I start having a serious psychological breakdown. I've had enough happen in my life to cover my "bad shit" quota for the next 50 years. I don't understand anything anymore.

• I have no home.
• I have a shitty job.
• That shitty job is supposed to pay for my school, that will be a miracle.
• My entire family acts like I'm some kind of burden.
• I never see my friends anymore.
• I'm seriously scared for my future now.
• I must be the common denominator.
• I don't know where to go or what to do or who I can depend on.

Life is the Longest Death

You know what I've realized? That despite any good intentions or sense of responsibility I might have, I can never EVER do the right thing. It doesn't matter how strong my moral compass is or how hard I work to think for myself. Someone is always there to let me down or tell me off. I know this sounds whiny, but I don't give a shit, it's the God's honest truth.

Everyone is a critic, and everyone will take advantage of you if you give them the chance. So I'm going to be selfish and I'm going to be rash and independent. I'm going to do what I want, when I want and if I decide to let someone know, good for them, if not, tough shit. I don't have to answer to anyone anymore. I'm a motherfucking adult now.

I'll make my own decisions with no concern for anyone else's opinion because everyone has one. Enough people have chosen paths for me in the past and I'm so past done it's not even funny.

I'm tired of being let down.

Ain't No Rest for the Wicked

What you do to me makes me want to hurt myself. Some things I wish I wasn't right about. I guess I'm not allowed to be happy. I kind of hate you. I don't think I can talk about this.

I Held Onto You For As Long As I Could

You know how fucked up my dad's marriage is? He talks shit about his own wife to his children and has to give me money in secret. He knows how she treats us, and how fucked up in the head she is. He is still with her.

Alot of people speculate about most aspects of their marriage. Such as why they are still together, why she is so rude to my sister and I, why my dad and her son don't get along, what attracted them in the first place. I know all the answers.

1. My little brother. They both have some guilt over their previous divorces. Maybe they don't miss thier exes, but it's hard on kids no matter what anyone says.
2. She is jealous of the relationship Becca and I have with our dad. When we are there, the spotlight isn't on her.
3. She acted as if when my father admonished her son, he was being cruel or uncharacteristically rude to him. He never treated my stepbrother any differently than he would have treated us.
4. I think her boobs, not sure. She's dumb as a rock.

My stepmom has been digging at me for more than three years now and she is finally starting in on my sister. Previously, Becca refused to see how rude Mary was to me, but now that the heat is on her she understands. Hindsight is 20/20.

She is why I never go there anymore.

Nothing's Gonna Change My World

A lot has been going on lately. Sometimes I don't know who I can talk to because everyone seems to have an opinion about what I should do and who I should love. How I should love. How should I love? Tell me, do you really think you go to hell for having loved? I really need to know.

I'm so past happy it's not even funny, 99% of the time. It's that 1% that's killing me. Why do I feel a little guilty? It's not like I didn't make myself available.

Perhaps I don't feel guilty, maybe I feel unwanted. Burned. I needed this. I need this now. I put myself out there and got a little hurt. This time, I let it come to me and I'm appreciated. I'm doted on a little. I'm paid attention to. Two way streets are pretty nice.

I know it's wrong to compare two very seperate situations. Two very different people. It's human nature, though, to speculate.

Waking up in the morning to someone who isn't who you thought they would be, but loving every second of it anyways. It's a conflicting feeling, one I never knew existed. This is the time and this is the place to be alive.

P.S. This is my 100th blog post. Yay me.

I'm Leavin', Never Comin' Back Again

So this has come up in previous posts, but just a reminder, I finally got to Canada. It was not at all what I expected. I ended up spending all my time with my grandma and people who are old enough to be a (great)grandparent. So....not what I thought.

We left on the first and stopped in Stevensville, Michigan. I totally almost died in the shower, but I was never that graceful to begin with. The next day we finished the trip up to Ailsa Craig, Ontario. It literally took us all of 2 mins to get through customs. (my passport picture is absolutely fugly, btw)

The people we stayed with were absolute angels. The whole reason we went up there was so my grandma could see the family again. She had almost married Jim, man of few words but those few words are usually hilarious, whose 2 brothers died within a month of each other last fall. So sad. His mother lives with him there, her name is Pauli and she is a nugget if I ever saw one. She's 86 and so faithful and willful. I was impressed. I also met Mary (Jim's sister-in-law), and her two kids, Doug and Sarah. All of them were so friendly and welcoming. I felt as if I had known them forever.

As nice as they were, the conversations weren't exactly vacation talk. I now know more about birds than I ever cared to, and if I have to talk about politics anytime in the near future I will crack and stab someone. I'm sick of it.

We went to Niagra Falls briefly. The falls are beautiful, you can't even imagine. I always knew they would be big, but they are so large and powerful that there is a huge plume of mist always encircling them.

Oh! I tried Poutine. If you don't know what poutine is, it's death on a plate, but it's the tastiest death ever. You don't even know.

Two things I love about Canada:

1. Tim Horton's. Doughnuts and the best coffee I've ever had outside my own home.
2. Money. They have loonies and toonies and all the bills are so pretty and sparkly.

I'm definitely going back, I just don't know when and with whom, but it's on.