If You Say Goodbye Today, I Ask You to Be True

Indecision is something that people face everyday. It could be simply muffin or bagel? It might be as complicated as teacher or doctor? I understand indecision. I face it everyday, we all do.

The hardest aspect of it is when indecision involves the life of someone else. Then we have to consider their needs and emotions. That is sometimes forgotten. We think only of ourselves. It's not that we don't care about the others, of course we do! It's that we assume either A) they want us to do what we want despite any concerns we may have or B) we forget they will be affected by our choices.

What happens when you are the other person? When someone else makes a decision that impacts your life? I'll tell you what happens. You accept it. Whether or not you like it, you accept it. You think to yourself, they don't know how much it hurts you, and you choose to keep it to yourself, the pain. Why bring them into it? They should be happy, they should get what they want.

It happens. It happens to me all the time. It happens to everyone.

Your father marries a woman who doesn't love you. Your landlord evicts your family. They just want love, they just want to stay in the black. You deal with it. You might hurt for a while, but you just keep going.

You look to the future. You decide you'll think of others. You'll treat people right. You might suffer a little, but you don't want people to hurt like you hurt everyday.

All these things are slightly painful. What hurts the most is when they go back on the choice. They decide that they made a mistake, but the damage is done. You are a little more cracked. A little more raw.

And when they go back? It hurts again. That they think you and your emotions will just bend to their will again. You can't help but just accept it again. You liked how it used to be. You convince yourself it will be the same. That love you were afraid to lose, the comfort you had, you want it so badly.

You wonder how much longer it will be until you can't take it anymore.

Fuck You Very Much

I wish people would just tell me what they fucking want from me. I am so tired of my "friends" and "family" acting like I'm one huge fucking let down when they are the assholes who screwed me over in the first place. I just want to slap the shit out of them. God Damn It.

Split Me Right Open and Look Right Inside, There's So Many Things That I Try to Hide

I broke down today. Finally.

I didn't see it coming because my day was going so well. I woke up this morning and it was raining, you know how I love the rain. I got dressed in a rush because I had to be to work at 8:30, but I made it relatively on time. My meeting went well and afterwards I went to IHOP with a coworker who I've missed lately. We both had some time and I didn't really want to go home so we saw Observe & Report. It was OK. Classic Seth Rogan. So far so good.

The trouble didn't start until after I'd dropped her off at work. I was driving home and it was pouring and out of nowhere I started crying. I'm not sure what set me off but I just totally fell apart. After being numb inside for months, all this emotion was pouring out of me and I could barely drive. I pulled into a parking lot and just bawled. Everything that upset me rose up in my mind -- my dad, mom, step dad, stepmother, school, love, money, work, my secretly dead dog, my grandma tried to kill herself again and is now in a semiconscious state -- and I couldn't run away anymore. I'm not sure how long I sat in the car.

I've never cried like I cried today before. Just pure, unadulterated sadness. I felt totally lost. When everyone you should be able to lean on is either gone or useless, who do you turn to? Sure I have friends here, but none I'd be comfortable laying all my problems on.

Sometimes when my guard is down, I'll let a friend in on a little bit of what's going on. Usually I get a shocked/unsure look and something along the lines of, "You are so strong." They are so wrong. I'm not strong, I'm weak. I push back all the issues and pretend like nothing is upsetting me. I just go numb because I don't want to face my real life.

When things get like this, all I want to do is run away. Start completely over somewhere new. I've considered something like AmeriCorps, a service organization that will house and give you living expenses in return for up to a year of full time service. I think spending a year without personal responsibility and drama in service of others would be so healthy for me. Telling the people I love is a totally different can of worms. Which is probably why it'll never happen.

If I get any more desperate for freedom, I might just go without a lot of notice. Sometimes you have to do things for yourself.

I Know You're Gonna Find Your Way Back To Me

I just had an amazing, interesting 11 days. It was overwhelming, and amazing, and sometimes a little scary. Just getting to this point has been so unlikely. The fact that it even happened is a miracle in and of itself. Who am I to write it off?

The thought of even liking you never dawned on me. And love? Not in a million years. I wasn't ready to consider that. So when you told me you liked me I was shocked. How could that be? Why had I never thought of that? It didn't take me long to see that I liked you too. Alot. Alot more than I probably should have.


Still, it didn't really mean anything. There was nothing either of us could do about it. So we talked. Then, we talked more. When you talk to someone that much you either fall in love or start to get annoyed. I don't recall ever being annoyed. So when you dropped the L bomb, I was shocked again.

It took me some time to absorb that one. What was it, three weeks? How patient you are. It wasn't that I didn't love you, obviously I did. I just had to be ok with it before I could tell you. I was having a hard time justifying it to myself. How could I possibly love you? What kind of claim did I have to you? Once again, I said it back but there was nothing we could do. So we stayed just friends, kind of.

Half a year later, I'm on a plane to see you. I don't know how nervous you were, but the second I stepped off the plane into the hangar, I was a wreck. There was officially no turning back. What if our chemistry was a fluke? What if your family hated me? It's not like I could turn around, so I walked on. Then I saw you. You were standing there exactly like I thought you would be. Faux nonchalance.

One awkward hug and an extremely chivalrous baggage claim later, you got lost in a parking garage. And I thought you were smart...kidding. There began one of the best weeks of my life. I wouldn't change a thing. Well, ok maybe one thing, but not the thing you would change.

When I got home, I was sad, but everything went back to how it used to be. I think you had a harder time with the seperation than I did. That's how I've always been I guess. That's not to say I was happy about it, or even ok. I love you and it's hard to be apart from someone you love. Our disagreements got more and more frequent. Soon, I just wouldn't say anything because I was tired of not talking to you. I hated the awkward calls when we both knew I was mad but didn't want to actually bring it up.

Things got better, though. Your arrival was approaching and any friction we had was set aside because our happiness to be together overshadowed it. Once again, I was pretty self-conscious when I went to pick you up. I kept finding reasons this time would be different than last time. I kind of shoved those thoughts to the back of my mind so I could focus on the things I had to do. Drive. Remember where I lived. Breathe.

Looking back on the time you spent here, it was pretty up and down. Just a word to the wise, don't call a girl manly and you'll have more ups than downs. Everyone loved you though, I was so happy.

I'm not sure what we are now. I hope that we don't break and go back to what we were or end up not talking to each other. I don't want to lose my best friend. There are so many things I want to say, but I know I shouldn't. I guess we'll just have to hope that with time, it get's easier. I'll always love you.

They're like, "Alright, what you saying? Yeah can I take your digits?"

• It's my mom's birthday. I totally forgot because I've had so much on my mind. Frickers.
• I applied for a job at H&M last night, or this morning rather, like 3 AM.
• Moving out is looking really appealing.
• I like Diet Coke, I've been drinking alot of it lately.
• My hours at work have been going back up, thank God.
• I keep getting mixed signals and maybe I'm guy retarded but my brain is all messed up.
• My great grandma is cute. Still sassy.

When You Walk My Way Hope It Gives You Hell

Hey you.

I'm happy. So to all those things that get me down: Fuck You. :D

Depression is so five minutes ago.

...

Today was a normal day, and usually I would be all emo about it, but not today. It was a good day. I woke up around noon, although I'm not proud of it. Took a shower. Had some Cheerios and raisins. Did some laundry. Cleaned up the garbage my dogs got everywhere. The family came home and I went to work. It went rather smoothly even though I had to use this ancient deathtrap instead of my nice, new skyjack. I came home around midnight. Just an ok day.

So What, So I've Got a Smile On, But It's Hiding the Quiet Superstitions In My Head

I'm not going to school this semester and at first I was consumed with anger. I was angry with my mom for not being honest with me, I was angry with my dad for not keeping up with my life, and mostly I was angry with myself for not seeing this sooner. For not taking affirmative action. For not taking responsiblity.

Now, I am more at peace with it. I'm working more, I'm saving money. I found a car I might be able to buy. I've even started applying to universities again. I think that, although this situation is less than exemplary, there is a silver lining. I will go back in the summer to catch up.

That isn't to say I'm happy with it now. I'm most certainly not. However, this is something I can control, something I can fix.

Bleeding Bells of Inner Guilt, Salvation Razor Thin

My mom is always on my case. She wants to know where I am, who I'm with, and what I'm doing all the time. Last night she called me at 1:30 in the morning while I was at a friends house because I wasn't home yet.

The thing is, I really don't care enough to call her to ease her worry. I'm just tired of putting up with her two-faced concern. If she is always taking my money but not paying my tuition then I don't feel obligated to ask her permission to live my life. I put gas in the car, I watch her kids, I sacrifice so she can do whatever shit she wants. Well I'm done. Forget going back to school for the spring semester, I'm getting the fuck out of there. I'm 19 and I can handle this. She can put on her fake sad face, I don't care.

She spends all her really affection on my siblings anyway. No matter what she says, I'll guarantee she still harbors feelings of blame for me. Whatever. I'm tired of being hurt.

Pain, Can't Get Enough

I got my cartilage pierced today and it was glorious. My friend Kathie is a trained professional, I wouldn't have it any other way, and she did it for me. I suppose that makes her my drug dealer. The thing is, I love to get pierced. Please don't take that sexually because I mean it in the metal-rod-shooting-through-flesh-to-add-accesories way, not the penis-pounding-into-you kind of way. Everytime I get this done, this being the fifth time, I am filled to the brim with adrenaline and endorphins. Some have called me a masochist, others think that I'm covering an inner problem with my love of piercings. To both of them I say, touche. I do like the pain and that could be the inner problem I cover with the piercings, but I think that in the general scheme of things, I could be doing worse. I don't cut, I don't brood, I have no substance abuse problems. Plus now I can wear more bling. I see no issue.

When I Crack That Whip, Everybody Goin' Trip

So two things I've noticed lately:

1. My friends and family have started saying "pish" more and more. It's used to replace words like rediculous, crap, stuff, and even shenanigans. I am ever so proud.
2. The snow is improving my overall mood greatly. Some people get SAD in the winter but not me, I get giddy. I love the snow.

In The Mood

In my psych class, we learned about the nature of males and females. That girls try harder to be people pleasers at a very early age. It's actually why we are better at communicating than males. We speak because it makes people happy. Males are less caring about pleasing others so they do what they want - explore. That's why males crawl and walk faster. Women can recognize emotion before they even recognize that it's a face they are looking at. All in order to figure out how best to make the person happy, or to maintain their happiness. I think this is pretty accurate. I find myself basing decisions off of what other people (might) think. I want to make people happy all the time.

It's definitely something that everyone, male or female, does. I think it's mostly a subconscious thing, though. We live in a time when everyone has to be unique. Individuality is stressed as well as excellence. We are all supposed to shine.

But why is that? In earlier time in this past century, conformity was key. When women broke a few glass ceilings here and there there was more competition in the workforce and that competition now contained massive amounts of people pleasers. As a result, well all have to fight to shine because as women fill positions that men once held and men have to adapt to our natural disposition. It's all quite ironic.

You're Born of a Jackal

So I was thinking about jackals so I googled "scary jackals" and this was the first image to come up. Wow.