I Held Onto You For As Long As I Could

You know how fucked up my dad's marriage is? He talks shit about his own wife to his children and has to give me money in secret. He knows how she treats us, and how fucked up in the head she is. He is still with her.

Alot of people speculate about most aspects of their marriage. Such as why they are still together, why she is so rude to my sister and I, why my dad and her son don't get along, what attracted them in the first place. I know all the answers.

1. My little brother. They both have some guilt over their previous divorces. Maybe they don't miss thier exes, but it's hard on kids no matter what anyone says.
2. She is jealous of the relationship Becca and I have with our dad. When we are there, the spotlight isn't on her.
3. She acted as if when my father admonished her son, he was being cruel or uncharacteristically rude to him. He never treated my stepbrother any differently than he would have treated us.
4. I think her boobs, not sure. She's dumb as a rock.

My stepmom has been digging at me for more than three years now and she is finally starting in on my sister. Previously, Becca refused to see how rude Mary was to me, but now that the heat is on her she understands. Hindsight is 20/20.

She is why I never go there anymore.

Nothing's Gonna Change My World

A lot has been going on lately. Sometimes I don't know who I can talk to because everyone seems to have an opinion about what I should do and who I should love. How I should love. How should I love? Tell me, do you really think you go to hell for having loved? I really need to know.

I'm so past happy it's not even funny, 99% of the time. It's that 1% that's killing me. Why do I feel a little guilty? It's not like I didn't make myself available.

Perhaps I don't feel guilty, maybe I feel unwanted. Burned. I needed this. I need this now. I put myself out there and got a little hurt. This time, I let it come to me and I'm appreciated. I'm doted on a little. I'm paid attention to. Two way streets are pretty nice.

I know it's wrong to compare two very seperate situations. Two very different people. It's human nature, though, to speculate.

Waking up in the morning to someone who isn't who you thought they would be, but loving every second of it anyways. It's a conflicting feeling, one I never knew existed. This is the time and this is the place to be alive.

P.S. This is my 100th blog post. Yay me.

I'm Leavin', Never Comin' Back Again

So this has come up in previous posts, but just a reminder, I finally got to Canada. It was not at all what I expected. I ended up spending all my time with my grandma and people who are old enough to be a (great)grandparent. So....not what I thought.

We left on the first and stopped in Stevensville, Michigan. I totally almost died in the shower, but I was never that graceful to begin with. The next day we finished the trip up to Ailsa Craig, Ontario. It literally took us all of 2 mins to get through customs. (my passport picture is absolutely fugly, btw)

The people we stayed with were absolute angels. The whole reason we went up there was so my grandma could see the family again. She had almost married Jim, man of few words but those few words are usually hilarious, whose 2 brothers died within a month of each other last fall. So sad. His mother lives with him there, her name is Pauli and she is a nugget if I ever saw one. She's 86 and so faithful and willful. I was impressed. I also met Mary (Jim's sister-in-law), and her two kids, Doug and Sarah. All of them were so friendly and welcoming. I felt as if I had known them forever.

As nice as they were, the conversations weren't exactly vacation talk. I now know more about birds than I ever cared to, and if I have to talk about politics anytime in the near future I will crack and stab someone. I'm sick of it.

We went to Niagra Falls briefly. The falls are beautiful, you can't even imagine. I always knew they would be big, but they are so large and powerful that there is a huge plume of mist always encircling them.

Oh! I tried Poutine. If you don't know what poutine is, it's death on a plate, but it's the tastiest death ever. You don't even know.

Two things I love about Canada:

1. Tim Horton's. Doughnuts and the best coffee I've ever had outside my own home.
2. Money. They have loonies and toonies and all the bills are so pretty and sparkly.

I'm definitely going back, I just don't know when and with whom, but it's on.

The World Has It's Shine

I really should have seen this coming. I think what surprised me most is that it was the exact opposite of what you used to tell me, to reassure me. Maybe I was blinded by how happy I was or maybe I never thought you would do something like that. I don't know.

I'm not mad, I understand. I agree, even. I am just very sad. You probably don't want to read this, you probably won't read it. I bet you told yourself not to. Whatever, it's here anyways.

You really are my best friend. Not talking to you is very hard for me, but I will respect this decision. At first I was a little angry that you decided this all on your own. Why didn't you talk to me about it? You can't choose these things for me.

He was sitting there with me when I got those texts, but I didn't have the heart to tell him what they said. I just summed it up. It was so late and I couldn't decide whether or not to cry or fume or just accept it or what.

For the past couple days I've been thinking about it and I decided you were right. It wouldn't be fair at all, we would be doomed from the start. I'm glad you knew it because I certainly didn't. Sometimes I wish you were here to talk to about all this new stuff, but how freakishly inappropriate would that be?

I want to know how you are. I want to know how you felt when I told you. I'm not going to ask you. I'm not going to call or text you or email you. I desperately want to.

I got those tickets taken care of, FYI.

I'm not trying to bait you into contact, this is just the only way I can sort through all this for myself. I'm going to be fair to him and to you and to myself.

Maybe in a few months, once I feel secure, I'll throw you a line. It will be up to you to respond, but don't for one second think that those texts will be the last things you hear from me, you can't get rid of me that easily.

Boys Boys Boys, We Love Them

On the good news front:

• My son-of-a-bitch, panda-ass whore of a boss was transferred
• I'm gonna watch some chillens this summer
• tan!
• Makin some $$$

Today, I went to work and it wasn't so bad. More people came to see Hangover than I expected. Sooo glad I didn't have to close. Altogether a good day, even though it started with some groggy crabiness.

Stuff Katie wants to do this summer:

• Fill up her diary
• Go to concerts
• At least one out of state roadtrip
• Boy(s)?
• Get into college
• Save some lettuce
• Swim at least once a week
• Remember to tell the people she loves that she loves them
• Paint something that actually looks like she has talent
• Be more honest

She Was Born to Be the Woman I Would Know

I'm an independent person. I'm going to do things that maybe don't sit well with people. I think that I'm trustworthy enough to be left to my own devices. Most of the things I do, I do for me.

That being said, I don't always think about what other people with think or feel about me. Some people find this to be an attribute, others a fault. Either way, it won't change that I walk boldly forward with whatever I decide.

Some things I don't do alone and I do consider the other person. Sometimes these things are sensitive. For me. Regret isn't something I want to feel after the life I've led. I'm done looking back and feeling sick about what has occurred. That's why I do what I want when I want. I'm tired of worrying.

Things That Have Changed About Katie:

• Regret
• Appearances, specifically what other people think of me, not so much physical
• Drama, I don't create and I don't partake
• I used to be pretty high strung, not so much anymore
• I used to let things get to me, but circumstances have dictated that I either let things go/roll off my back or be consumed with overwhelming stress
• Now, Katie is priority one. I love my family and my friends, but I just can't pander to them all.

This may all sound a bit cynical or harsh, but I don't think I would be able to survive much more of the crap I've had to deal with in the last year if I didn't thicken my skin a little. I still love everyone, and I still care. Sometimes you have to just take care of yourself first, before you can think about what other people need.

I'm still the same girl, just a little smarter but at the same time a little more guarded. Lots of things have shaped me to be who I am now. Most of them bad, but quite a few marvelous.

Stood on the Edge of Your Bridge Until I Felt the Rain

I'm kind of scared of myself. I dig myself these holes. I cry everyday, now.


I just want to erase everything from my past and start over.


Somewhere new, but still the same. I always think Seattle. At least then I could have the rain.

Baby When It's Love If It's Not Rough It Isn't Fun

I've been pondering alot lately about the state of my life. I bitch, I moan, but where does it get me? No where.

I think a little piece of me enjoys the drama. It keeps my life from getting stagnant, but mostly it bugs the shit out of me. On that note, I got some good news today. My parents met with a financial planner to help them sort out their rediculous financial situation so that maybe one day I can go back to school and make something of my life. So my siblings can live in a house as a family instead of spread around our extended family.

I'm so happy my parents are taking responsibility and taking steps to improve this massively unsavory situation. All I can do now is keep saving my money and hope to God this all pans out.

If You Say Goodbye Today, I Ask You to Be True

Indecision is something that people face everyday. It could be simply muffin or bagel? It might be as complicated as teacher or doctor? I understand indecision. I face it everyday, we all do.

The hardest aspect of it is when indecision involves the life of someone else. Then we have to consider their needs and emotions. That is sometimes forgotten. We think only of ourselves. It's not that we don't care about the others, of course we do! It's that we assume either A) they want us to do what we want despite any concerns we may have or B) we forget they will be affected by our choices.

What happens when you are the other person? When someone else makes a decision that impacts your life? I'll tell you what happens. You accept it. Whether or not you like it, you accept it. You think to yourself, they don't know how much it hurts you, and you choose to keep it to yourself, the pain. Why bring them into it? They should be happy, they should get what they want.

It happens. It happens to me all the time. It happens to everyone.

Your father marries a woman who doesn't love you. Your landlord evicts your family. They just want love, they just want to stay in the black. You deal with it. You might hurt for a while, but you just keep going.

You look to the future. You decide you'll think of others. You'll treat people right. You might suffer a little, but you don't want people to hurt like you hurt everyday.

All these things are slightly painful. What hurts the most is when they go back on the choice. They decide that they made a mistake, but the damage is done. You are a little more cracked. A little more raw.

And when they go back? It hurts again. That they think you and your emotions will just bend to their will again. You can't help but just accept it again. You liked how it used to be. You convince yourself it will be the same. That love you were afraid to lose, the comfort you had, you want it so badly.

You wonder how much longer it will be until you can't take it anymore.

Fuck You Very Much

I wish people would just tell me what they fucking want from me. I am so tired of my "friends" and "family" acting like I'm one huge fucking let down when they are the assholes who screwed me over in the first place. I just want to slap the shit out of them. God Damn It.

Split Me Right Open and Look Right Inside, There's So Many Things That I Try to Hide

I broke down today. Finally.

I didn't see it coming because my day was going so well. I woke up this morning and it was raining, you know how I love the rain. I got dressed in a rush because I had to be to work at 8:30, but I made it relatively on time. My meeting went well and afterwards I went to IHOP with a coworker who I've missed lately. We both had some time and I didn't really want to go home so we saw Observe & Report. It was OK. Classic Seth Rogan. So far so good.

The trouble didn't start until after I'd dropped her off at work. I was driving home and it was pouring and out of nowhere I started crying. I'm not sure what set me off but I just totally fell apart. After being numb inside for months, all this emotion was pouring out of me and I could barely drive. I pulled into a parking lot and just bawled. Everything that upset me rose up in my mind -- my dad, mom, step dad, stepmother, school, love, money, work, my secretly dead dog, my grandma tried to kill herself again and is now in a semiconscious state -- and I couldn't run away anymore. I'm not sure how long I sat in the car.

I've never cried like I cried today before. Just pure, unadulterated sadness. I felt totally lost. When everyone you should be able to lean on is either gone or useless, who do you turn to? Sure I have friends here, but none I'd be comfortable laying all my problems on.

Sometimes when my guard is down, I'll let a friend in on a little bit of what's going on. Usually I get a shocked/unsure look and something along the lines of, "You are so strong." They are so wrong. I'm not strong, I'm weak. I push back all the issues and pretend like nothing is upsetting me. I just go numb because I don't want to face my real life.

When things get like this, all I want to do is run away. Start completely over somewhere new. I've considered something like AmeriCorps, a service organization that will house and give you living expenses in return for up to a year of full time service. I think spending a year without personal responsibility and drama in service of others would be so healthy for me. Telling the people I love is a totally different can of worms. Which is probably why it'll never happen.

If I get any more desperate for freedom, I might just go without a lot of notice. Sometimes you have to do things for yourself.

I Know You're Gonna Find Your Way Back To Me

I just had an amazing, interesting 11 days. It was overwhelming, and amazing, and sometimes a little scary. Just getting to this point has been so unlikely. The fact that it even happened is a miracle in and of itself. Who am I to write it off?

The thought of even liking you never dawned on me. And love? Not in a million years. I wasn't ready to consider that. So when you told me you liked me I was shocked. How could that be? Why had I never thought of that? It didn't take me long to see that I liked you too. Alot. Alot more than I probably should have.


Still, it didn't really mean anything. There was nothing either of us could do about it. So we talked. Then, we talked more. When you talk to someone that much you either fall in love or start to get annoyed. I don't recall ever being annoyed. So when you dropped the L bomb, I was shocked again.

It took me some time to absorb that one. What was it, three weeks? How patient you are. It wasn't that I didn't love you, obviously I did. I just had to be ok with it before I could tell you. I was having a hard time justifying it to myself. How could I possibly love you? What kind of claim did I have to you? Once again, I said it back but there was nothing we could do. So we stayed just friends, kind of.

Half a year later, I'm on a plane to see you. I don't know how nervous you were, but the second I stepped off the plane into the hangar, I was a wreck. There was officially no turning back. What if our chemistry was a fluke? What if your family hated me? It's not like I could turn around, so I walked on. Then I saw you. You were standing there exactly like I thought you would be. Faux nonchalance.

One awkward hug and an extremely chivalrous baggage claim later, you got lost in a parking garage. And I thought you were smart...kidding. There began one of the best weeks of my life. I wouldn't change a thing. Well, ok maybe one thing, but not the thing you would change.

When I got home, I was sad, but everything went back to how it used to be. I think you had a harder time with the seperation than I did. That's how I've always been I guess. That's not to say I was happy about it, or even ok. I love you and it's hard to be apart from someone you love. Our disagreements got more and more frequent. Soon, I just wouldn't say anything because I was tired of not talking to you. I hated the awkward calls when we both knew I was mad but didn't want to actually bring it up.

Things got better, though. Your arrival was approaching and any friction we had was set aside because our happiness to be together overshadowed it. Once again, I was pretty self-conscious when I went to pick you up. I kept finding reasons this time would be different than last time. I kind of shoved those thoughts to the back of my mind so I could focus on the things I had to do. Drive. Remember where I lived. Breathe.

Looking back on the time you spent here, it was pretty up and down. Just a word to the wise, don't call a girl manly and you'll have more ups than downs. Everyone loved you though, I was so happy.

I'm not sure what we are now. I hope that we don't break and go back to what we were or end up not talking to each other. I don't want to lose my best friend. There are so many things I want to say, but I know I shouldn't. I guess we'll just have to hope that with time, it get's easier. I'll always love you.