I'm Not Together but I'm Getting There

Slowly, my emotions are inversing. The ratio of sadness/hurt to happiness is slipping towards the positive. I think I just need to let go. Let go. Let go. I can't make anyone see things my way. I guess it just depends on your frame of mind. It makes me sad that I'll probably lose an old friendship and a newer one too, but sometimes people walk away and you have to let them.

The world doesn't revolve around me, I know that. How could I expect other people to put my emotions before thier own? You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. You have to think of your own happiness before you can make someone else happy. I've said this before and I'll say it again, sometimes you have to be selfish.

However, sometimes being selfish comes with consequences. Those are the things you need to consider. Pros and cons. I understand it can be very tricky. Outside factors and all that.

People make decisions and that's that. You can't change the decisions you've made in the past, you can only affect the ones you are going to make. I choose the path of least resistance. I choose to step back and focus on the things in my life I can be a part of wholly. I will spend time on the things that make me happy. I do spend time on the things that make me happy.

I was the consequence, do not regret me. Do not try to undo what happened or pretend everything is ok. Everything is not ok. Best friends to aquaintances. It's happened before, it'll happen again. I want you to be happy, but I don't think that includes me.

I'm not completely back together, but I'm on my way.

...

You know, everyone gets hurt sometimes. It's just part of life. Life, however, has decided that that's not enough for me. Apparently, I just need to get shat all over and then abandoned and then who knows? Maybe the sun will come out.

I don't know how much more of this I can take before I start having a serious psychological breakdown. I've had enough happen in my life to cover my "bad shit" quota for the next 50 years. I don't understand anything anymore.

• I have no home.
• I have a shitty job.
• That shitty job is supposed to pay for my school, that will be a miracle.
• My entire family acts like I'm some kind of burden.
• I never see my friends anymore.
• I'm seriously scared for my future now.
• I must be the common denominator.
• I don't know where to go or what to do or who I can depend on.

Life is the Longest Death

You know what I've realized? That despite any good intentions or sense of responsibility I might have, I can never EVER do the right thing. It doesn't matter how strong my moral compass is or how hard I work to think for myself. Someone is always there to let me down or tell me off. I know this sounds whiny, but I don't give a shit, it's the God's honest truth.

Everyone is a critic, and everyone will take advantage of you if you give them the chance. So I'm going to be selfish and I'm going to be rash and independent. I'm going to do what I want, when I want and if I decide to let someone know, good for them, if not, tough shit. I don't have to answer to anyone anymore. I'm a motherfucking adult now.

I'll make my own decisions with no concern for anyone else's opinion because everyone has one. Enough people have chosen paths for me in the past and I'm so past done it's not even funny.

I'm tired of being let down.

Ain't No Rest for the Wicked

What you do to me makes me want to hurt myself. Some things I wish I wasn't right about. I guess I'm not allowed to be happy. I kind of hate you. I don't think I can talk about this.

I Held Onto You For As Long As I Could

You know how fucked up my dad's marriage is? He talks shit about his own wife to his children and has to give me money in secret. He knows how she treats us, and how fucked up in the head she is. He is still with her.

Alot of people speculate about most aspects of their marriage. Such as why they are still together, why she is so rude to my sister and I, why my dad and her son don't get along, what attracted them in the first place. I know all the answers.

1. My little brother. They both have some guilt over their previous divorces. Maybe they don't miss thier exes, but it's hard on kids no matter what anyone says.
2. She is jealous of the relationship Becca and I have with our dad. When we are there, the spotlight isn't on her.
3. She acted as if when my father admonished her son, he was being cruel or uncharacteristically rude to him. He never treated my stepbrother any differently than he would have treated us.
4. I think her boobs, not sure. She's dumb as a rock.

My stepmom has been digging at me for more than three years now and she is finally starting in on my sister. Previously, Becca refused to see how rude Mary was to me, but now that the heat is on her she understands. Hindsight is 20/20.

She is why I never go there anymore.

Nothing's Gonna Change My World

A lot has been going on lately. Sometimes I don't know who I can talk to because everyone seems to have an opinion about what I should do and who I should love. How I should love. How should I love? Tell me, do you really think you go to hell for having loved? I really need to know.

I'm so past happy it's not even funny, 99% of the time. It's that 1% that's killing me. Why do I feel a little guilty? It's not like I didn't make myself available.

Perhaps I don't feel guilty, maybe I feel unwanted. Burned. I needed this. I need this now. I put myself out there and got a little hurt. This time, I let it come to me and I'm appreciated. I'm doted on a little. I'm paid attention to. Two way streets are pretty nice.

I know it's wrong to compare two very seperate situations. Two very different people. It's human nature, though, to speculate.

Waking up in the morning to someone who isn't who you thought they would be, but loving every second of it anyways. It's a conflicting feeling, one I never knew existed. This is the time and this is the place to be alive.

P.S. This is my 100th blog post. Yay me.

I'm Leavin', Never Comin' Back Again

So this has come up in previous posts, but just a reminder, I finally got to Canada. It was not at all what I expected. I ended up spending all my time with my grandma and people who are old enough to be a (great)grandparent. So....not what I thought.

We left on the first and stopped in Stevensville, Michigan. I totally almost died in the shower, but I was never that graceful to begin with. The next day we finished the trip up to Ailsa Craig, Ontario. It literally took us all of 2 mins to get through customs. (my passport picture is absolutely fugly, btw)

The people we stayed with were absolute angels. The whole reason we went up there was so my grandma could see the family again. She had almost married Jim, man of few words but those few words are usually hilarious, whose 2 brothers died within a month of each other last fall. So sad. His mother lives with him there, her name is Pauli and she is a nugget if I ever saw one. She's 86 and so faithful and willful. I was impressed. I also met Mary (Jim's sister-in-law), and her two kids, Doug and Sarah. All of them were so friendly and welcoming. I felt as if I had known them forever.

As nice as they were, the conversations weren't exactly vacation talk. I now know more about birds than I ever cared to, and if I have to talk about politics anytime in the near future I will crack and stab someone. I'm sick of it.

We went to Niagra Falls briefly. The falls are beautiful, you can't even imagine. I always knew they would be big, but they are so large and powerful that there is a huge plume of mist always encircling them.

Oh! I tried Poutine. If you don't know what poutine is, it's death on a plate, but it's the tastiest death ever. You don't even know.

Two things I love about Canada:

1. Tim Horton's. Doughnuts and the best coffee I've ever had outside my own home.
2. Money. They have loonies and toonies and all the bills are so pretty and sparkly.

I'm definitely going back, I just don't know when and with whom, but it's on.

The World Has It's Shine

I really should have seen this coming. I think what surprised me most is that it was the exact opposite of what you used to tell me, to reassure me. Maybe I was blinded by how happy I was or maybe I never thought you would do something like that. I don't know.

I'm not mad, I understand. I agree, even. I am just very sad. You probably don't want to read this, you probably won't read it. I bet you told yourself not to. Whatever, it's here anyways.

You really are my best friend. Not talking to you is very hard for me, but I will respect this decision. At first I was a little angry that you decided this all on your own. Why didn't you talk to me about it? You can't choose these things for me.

He was sitting there with me when I got those texts, but I didn't have the heart to tell him what they said. I just summed it up. It was so late and I couldn't decide whether or not to cry or fume or just accept it or what.

For the past couple days I've been thinking about it and I decided you were right. It wouldn't be fair at all, we would be doomed from the start. I'm glad you knew it because I certainly didn't. Sometimes I wish you were here to talk to about all this new stuff, but how freakishly inappropriate would that be?

I want to know how you are. I want to know how you felt when I told you. I'm not going to ask you. I'm not going to call or text you or email you. I desperately want to.

I got those tickets taken care of, FYI.

I'm not trying to bait you into contact, this is just the only way I can sort through all this for myself. I'm going to be fair to him and to you and to myself.

Maybe in a few months, once I feel secure, I'll throw you a line. It will be up to you to respond, but don't for one second think that those texts will be the last things you hear from me, you can't get rid of me that easily.

Boys Boys Boys, We Love Them

On the good news front:

• My son-of-a-bitch, panda-ass whore of a boss was transferred
• I'm gonna watch some chillens this summer
• tan!
• Makin some $$$

Today, I went to work and it wasn't so bad. More people came to see Hangover than I expected. Sooo glad I didn't have to close. Altogether a good day, even though it started with some groggy crabiness.

Stuff Katie wants to do this summer:

• Fill up her diary
• Go to concerts
• At least one out of state roadtrip
• Boy(s)?
• Get into college
• Save some lettuce
• Swim at least once a week
• Remember to tell the people she loves that she loves them
• Paint something that actually looks like she has talent
• Be more honest

She Was Born to Be the Woman I Would Know

I'm an independent person. I'm going to do things that maybe don't sit well with people. I think that I'm trustworthy enough to be left to my own devices. Most of the things I do, I do for me.

That being said, I don't always think about what other people with think or feel about me. Some people find this to be an attribute, others a fault. Either way, it won't change that I walk boldly forward with whatever I decide.

Some things I don't do alone and I do consider the other person. Sometimes these things are sensitive. For me. Regret isn't something I want to feel after the life I've led. I'm done looking back and feeling sick about what has occurred. That's why I do what I want when I want. I'm tired of worrying.

Things That Have Changed About Katie:

• Regret
• Appearances, specifically what other people think of me, not so much physical
• Drama, I don't create and I don't partake
• I used to be pretty high strung, not so much anymore
• I used to let things get to me, but circumstances have dictated that I either let things go/roll off my back or be consumed with overwhelming stress
• Now, Katie is priority one. I love my family and my friends, but I just can't pander to them all.

This may all sound a bit cynical or harsh, but I don't think I would be able to survive much more of the crap I've had to deal with in the last year if I didn't thicken my skin a little. I still love everyone, and I still care. Sometimes you have to just take care of yourself first, before you can think about what other people need.

I'm still the same girl, just a little smarter but at the same time a little more guarded. Lots of things have shaped me to be who I am now. Most of them bad, but quite a few marvelous.

Stood on the Edge of Your Bridge Until I Felt the Rain

I'm kind of scared of myself. I dig myself these holes. I cry everyday, now.


I just want to erase everything from my past and start over.


Somewhere new, but still the same. I always think Seattle. At least then I could have the rain.

Baby When It's Love If It's Not Rough It Isn't Fun

I've been pondering alot lately about the state of my life. I bitch, I moan, but where does it get me? No where.

I think a little piece of me enjoys the drama. It keeps my life from getting stagnant, but mostly it bugs the shit out of me. On that note, I got some good news today. My parents met with a financial planner to help them sort out their rediculous financial situation so that maybe one day I can go back to school and make something of my life. So my siblings can live in a house as a family instead of spread around our extended family.

I'm so happy my parents are taking responsibility and taking steps to improve this massively unsavory situation. All I can do now is keep saving my money and hope to God this all pans out.