This Feeling Never Leaves Me Alone

I come with good news, a rare but much appreciated occurence in the PPBG world. My mother and my stepdad have both gotten legitimate salaried jobs. My mom is now the Director of Audio Visual at a large ski resort and my stepdad is an inside salesman at an international company that owns many smaller companies, one of which sells metal.

As usual, my parents have started fantasizing about all the things they can afford now. A better car. My long promised laptop. My tuition. Braces for all of us. I am excited about our new stability, but it's a cautious excitement.

I don't think I'm emotionally stable enough to get my hopes dashed again. I talked to my mom about letting me try my hand at budgeting because, to be honest, I think I could do a better job than they could. She knows it too, but she said no. "Some things you just don't want your kids to know," she said.

I am happy and nervous, but ready to enjoy a little stability for once.

I Know I Could Never Face Someone Who Could Look Like You

So after years of tolerating my stepmom's general bitchiness and her offhand snide comments, I yelled at her. Really yelled at her. It felt good, but I knew that I burned the bridge to living at my dad's. Now I'm in my mom's new house.

She woke me up last Monday at 7 A.M. and told me I couldn't "sleep all day." I guess 7 is considered late in delusionland. I had worked pretty late the night before and I was still very tired, but in an effort to maintain what sliver of tolerance I had for her I got in the shower. I was upset that she woke me up so harshly (I don't think getting 6 hours of sleep qualifies me as a "princess") and I began to cry in the shower.

I don't cry often because it makes me feel weak. I do everything I can to hide it if I do cry. So when I began to sob uncontrollably in the shower, I knew I couldn't just walk out and go about with my day because I couldn't stop. It took all I had to keep it quiet enough so she wouldn't hear me over the water.

Once I pulled it together, I got out and got dressed and put my hamper full of dirty clothes in the washing machine. I took my dad's clothes out of the dryer and began folding them in the living room thinking I was safe from more pointless persecution since my stepmom was in my room job hunting. I was wrong. She waltzed out of my room and down the hall to the living room to ask me tersely why I wasn't living with my mother.

Now, I love my mom and I know she tries, but it's hard to live when you never know if you'll have to pack up at a moment's notice and live with a random relative for God knows how long. I thought I might stay at my dad's to maintain some kind of stability.

When she asked my why I wasn't living with my mom, the dam broke and I just yelled at her, "What does it matter? I've put up with your comments and dislike towards me for years and I'm fucking tired of it. I don't know what I did to make you hate me but I won't put up with you anymore." She then went on to tell me that I never follow the one rule she set down and I told her that even when I do follow it, she finds something else to be mad at me about.

She vehemently denied that, but I didn't expect her to own up to her own flaws. I brought up the fact that her son can come and go as he pleases and she told me that it was different for him because it's her house. I asked her, wasn't it my dad's house too? Don't I deserve the same privileges? I guess I don't, she said that she pays the bills so it's her house.

"Whose room is that back there? Whose bed is that?" I asked her.

"My room! My house, my room! I'm tired of your princess act!" She replied.

"You won't have to worry about it, I'm moving out!" I finished.

I went down into the basement and waited for my clothes to dry and cried. A little loudly, I'm ashamed to admit. I texted my dad about it and he basically replied to me with lighthearted jokes. I know he loves me and I know he wants me to stay there, but I can't. She is such a self-righteous bitch. I can't handle it.

"Where am I supposed to go where it's stable AND I'm wanted?" I asked my dad.

Your Father, He Said He Needs You. Your Mother, She Said She Loves You. Your Brothers, They Echo the Words.

Well that was an angry post. I'm just worn out. I like living out here, but driving to school and to work is pretty taxing. The Fiero won't start which is also kind of any issue. haha. The thing is, it's quiet here. I see my dad pretty often, which I missed. I think I need a list.

Cons for Dad's house:

• Far from work.
• Far from school.
• Far from my mom's family.
• Far from Alex.
• Fiero is not working and my dad is not very sure why.

Pros for Dad's house: (I wrote "prose" at first, I laughed)

• Quiet.
• No one in my business all the time.
• I get to spend time with my brothers, I missed them.
• DAD
• I'm finding locations out here for my company to open stores. ($2,000 finders fee! each!)
• Close to my dad's family.
• Alex understands.
• My dad will fix the Fiero. Maybe find me a new car?

I wish my families didn't live so far apart. My mom said she is signing a lease on Monday so I could "come home" if I wanted to. I want to bring my company out here and I want to be successful at something. My dad told my stepmom that me living here is temporary, but I kind of want to stay indefinitely. I love my dad and my brothers, and I miss them because I can never get out here when I live at my mom's. I'm pretty torn now.

Take Me With You

Oh hey, I didn't see you there.

Surprise! I have to be out of my house by TOMORROW. Not September. That's just awesome. I've spent the last two days speed packing and I still have no idea where we are going. Schweet. Well I'll tell you what. I don't give a shit where my mom thinks I'm going, I'm gonna live with my dad. I don't care if my stepmom thinks it's ok to be a bitch to my face. I can't handle the stress of never knowing how and when you are going to move.

The real bitch of it is that my parents didn't even fucking tell me. I just woke up yesterday and my stepdad is packing up the tv room. No notice, just "Surprise, you have to move in two days. Yeah, we don't respect you enough to let you know what your immediate future brings."

I have packing to do.

I Left a Note and it Read: Someday You Will Be Loved

For a long time I never thought that my life was particularly trying. Maybe I was just oblivious or more laid back than I am now. Maybe I'm just worried all the time. Is that part of being an adult?

I literally laid awake last night mulling over everything I'm worried about. Mostly money issues or things related to money or things in my life that require money. Then I remembered I only had 3.75 hours last week. Fricken awesome. I'm just scared.

The lease is up on our house in September and the landlord is not going to renew it because the tard didn't pay the mortgage. So maybe I'll be living with my grandma again? I don't know if I can do that again. I love my grandparents, but the room is so small that a twin sized bed barely fits. A girl needs space.

I am scared. Really scared. I'm afraid my life will never go anywhere because I have no money to pay for the school to be secure later. I am just so fucking scared. Not something that I usually will admit freely.

My dad told me today that if I need help that I can ask him, and he'll do the best he can. I believe him, but I don't like to ask. I know that's stupid; he's my dad. I don't like to be a burden on people and I don't like asking for help. I don't like talking about it either, which is probably why I blog about my drama constantly. I feel like I'm whining or trying to do that stupid one-up "my life is so hard" shit. My boyfriend and my friends know what's going on but I still feel strange talking about it because what are they supposed to do? I'm not asking for anything and then that's just one more person worrying.

I'm scared, but I'll sort it out.

Can't Stop Looking at the Door

Various factors in the history of my life have made me that way I am today. I make a decision and that's it, end of discussion. The same goes for trust. I will trust you until you give me a reason not to. Once that happens, you can't get it back. It doesn't matter. Usually the people who get close enough to hurt me like that know better.

Honestly, it's only happened a couple of times. Recently, I've wondered if I'm being juvenile. Am I less of an adult because I can't "forgive and forget?" Less of a Christian? What about the people that hurt me? They obviously didn't care, or don't care enough now to right a wrong. So I should continuously forgive and forgive and swallow my pain? I cant do that. I'm a pretty strong person, but that would break me.

It hurts me to cut people out. I just can't have the liability of the pain again. I can't wait and wonder and bathe in my own insecurity. Maybe "adults" forgive and forget because they are too afraid to make an active choice like this. Maybe I don't want to be that kind of adult.

My Love for You is Like a Truck Berserker

As I was looking for movie times today, I came across this article. This is something I've personally never encountered. Someone doesn't like Kevin Smith? Say what? I'm going to answer that obviously biased article with one that is equally biased. I love Kevin Smith. I think his movies are funny and smart and they make me think.

Ok, I think the best way to tackle this is to do it point by point.

Movie Critic: Kevin Smith is threatening that he won't let critics see his films early and for free. Boo hoo.

It must be tough to get paid to watch and review movies. Those poor critics! People read what they write and make decisions based on their articles! Oh how difficult it must be to have influence. They most definitely deserve to get movies for free and before everyone else. The stress of it all.

MC: Smith hasn't delivered us his superhero movie.

Look, I'm not going to be making excuses for Smith. He's a big boy. I enjoy his movies and if he hasn't put out a superhero movie yet, then I'll wait until he does. If this fabled movie never comes out my life will go on.

MC: His movies are rarely as good as their reputations indicate. Some are OK, but most aren't even that.

This is his opinion, and he has a right to one. I think that each of his movies touch on a different subject and he brings a light to them that I personally hadn't considered. Take Dogma for example. I've been a practicing Catholic my entire life and his movie made light of many facets of my religion. I found his take on Catholicism very interesting and hilarious. Oh! Our movie critic also mentions that he thought Clerks 2 wasn't very good and I'd like to argue that it was even better than Clerks. With Clerks, Kevin Smith introduced himself and it was great, but Clerks 2 was a more free and relaxed kind of funny. To be honest, I wouldn't take my mother to see a Kevin Smith movie. I don't want to have the mutual experience of a donkey show with her. His brand of humor isn't for everyone. Which brings me to my next point.

MC: Smith's movies don't gross more than 50 million dollars domestically.

Like I said, his movies aren't for everyone. I think that many people have at least a small part of the person that Kevin Smith's movies are meant for in them, but most people can't, won't or don't access that part of their personality. Who knows why?

MC: Kevin Smith tells people not to read reviews and just go see movies. Movies are so expensive, so people should use the advice of "trusted critics" before making such an investment in their entertainment.

I've worked at a movie theater. I see movies all time, and I only make minimum wage. They way studios are making trailers for their movies basically illustrates the entire plot and cast of the advertised film. Even if you don't trust the flashy trailers, you know what kinds of movies you like and those that you don't. You know the good actors from the bad. You don't need to read a critic's opinion to make a choice. If it really is the money that is stopping you then there are many ways to get around paying for a full price ticket. Senior discounts. Student discounts. Matinees. Those are just the legitimate routes.

MC: Smith's internet rants are discrediting him as a filmmaker. He needs to focus on improving his craft instead of his perceived injustices. I'm just a man who needs to write about movies to pay my rent.

Oh, ok. So you can write a rant against a man who dislikes the preferential treatment you get when it comes to seeing movies, but he can't complain about how airlines treat their customers poorly? You get paid to watch free movies and talk about them. Guess what? People pay for movies and write their opinions on the internet EVERYDAY. Just because you can't laugh at a guy puking after losing a debate about the sexual orientation of hobbits doesn't make you the last word on movies. Or people, for that matter.

Cause I Saved a Few and I Keep Them in a Jar

I always thought that when I fell in love it would be with one person forever. Yeah, for today's standards, that seems pretty naive. I am, however, the kind of person that makes a decision and sticks with it. So, when I fell in love the first time I was sure that he would be my first, and only, love.

I didn't happen that way.

I could go on for days about what happened and how I feel about it, but today is just like every other day and I don't feel like thinking about it. As of right now, I have a boyfriend. I love him very much. He's another subject I could go on and on about, but I'll spare the internet the details.

He and I have a lot in common. Sense of humor. Brains. Movies. Goals. He makes me happier than I thought I would ever be. We don't have everything in common, though. I think if we did we would get bored of each other pretty quickly. I think one pretty shocking thing is that I love to read and he would rather not.

That's the only part of my old relationship I really miss. Few of my friends can appreciate the smell of a new book, or finding something truly intriguing at the bookstore. Every time I find a new book that I love, I never know who to share it with. That's the whole point of books in general. Sharing.

There have been a few solid attempts at a book swap, but everyone gets so busy that it's hard to make time for appreciating a book as it should be appreciated. The books just sit there. I'll admit that I still have a few piled up from Christmas, but I have been slowly but surely making my way through them.

I guess this has just been on my mind. I need someone to share books with.

The Days Go On, The Lights Go Off and On

This year is flying by. March is almost over. So much has already happened. I only write in simple sentences, apparently. What have I done so far?

• Got my nose pierced, but you knew that.
  
• OH! Got arrested, you knew that too.
  
• Had late night discussions about health, politics, school, traveling and religion.
  
• Reestablished my love of Ben Folds.
• Swore off and rekindled my addiction to drinking Diet Coke.
• Got stupidly drunk. More on that to follow.
  
• Started painting.
• Dropped my Spanish class because it was getting harder and harder to make it there.
• Became obsessed with cleaning my room. Ok, maybe obsessed is a strong word, but my room is generally cleaner than it used to be.

So I said there would be more about the drunk thing and here it is. On my last birthday, my birthday wish was to see my boyfriend drunk because he had already seen me drunk and it was only fair. Then, in some sick retaliation, he makes his birthday wish for his friends to see me drunk. After some oddly strong vodka cranberries, they realized I am a complete lightweight. Also, I say some pretty stupid crap. For example, "I can't feel my teeth." Or, "Associtutes," whatever that means.

The Church of Hot Addiction

It's finally happened. I told you I would do it again.This time, I got my nose pierced. Tuesday. And.....I love it. This was the only time I've ever cried during a piercing, but it wasn't because it hurt. Your eyes inevitably tear up because it feels something like getting one of your nose hairs pulled out. The person that is doing the piercing puts a cork up the nostril you are getting pierced and pushes the needle through your skin, into the cork. Then he pulls the cork and the needle out with it. On the other end of the needle he affixes your nose ring so when the needle comes out, the ring goes in.

I really liked the nose ring he chose, but because of my job I had to put a retainer in. It's not as cool since it's invisible (and I'm worried it'll fall out in my sleep), but in a few months I'll be able to change it in and out. I'll admit, it might be an addiction, but I could be doing worse. My mom wasn't pleased and I don't think my dad knows yet. For now, though, I'm happy.

We Were the Victims of Ourselves

I have an update on the arrest situation. First, I'll let you in on what I've done so far:

• We went to our local DMV, the man at the counter deferred me to a hearing officer who was a royal jackass. He sent me to a DMV a little further away who were supposedly able to reinstate my license.
• They couldn't. They suggested I see the hearing officer. I let them know that I had and that I had no intention of going back to him. So they sent me to another county's courthouse to get new papers to prove my license should be reinstated.
  
• My mom and I drove there where we got new papers. I was told to take them into the city because that was the only office that would accept them.
  
• They told us that my license WASN'T suspended and refused my fee money. They told us that I just need SR22 insurance.
• We got the insurance and they kicked it back, stating I didn't need it.
  
• So...
  

After driving all over God's green earth trying to figure out how to fix the problem, my mother and I got in touch with a family friend who is a manager at the DMV to see what he could find out for us. Apparently, when you get your learner's permit they intentionally enter some information wrong so that when you get your license the system prompts the DMV employee to ask for your SS#.

When I got my last ticket, whoever entered my information at the courthouse entered it wrong, into my learner's permit file. This created 2 separate files for me. This is what caused the confusion. This is why every agency (and sometimes different people in the same agency) told me something different.

Thank God our friend got my files combined and the insurance submitted. However, when I gave him my reinstatement papers, he noticed that the woman who gave them to me wrote that my ticket was vacated on 6-23-10. That's all well and good except I wasn't driving a Delorean. She had also put the wrong driver's license # on it. He told me I had to go back to the courthouse for new papers.

Which is what I did today. Just as we were leaving, I noticed that I only got papers for one of two tickets. SO, after getting all the papers I needed and triple checking that they were correct, we went to the nearest DMV to pay the reinstatement fee. The woman there told me that they didn't take vacated reinstatements so I have to take them downtown.

I'll hopefully be doing that tomorrow and all this hell will be behind me.

If I Wake Up in Your Mind

I have been having a series of very odd dreams. Usually I don't dream or I don't remember them. On the rare occasion I would dream, they would be extremely graphic nightmares. However, recently, my dreams have been suspenseful, action packed, and filled with subconscious danger. The danger part isn't new.

My dreams are usually centered around me (and sometimes others) in immediate peril. It's my job to run or find some solution. My dreams never actually end. I never save the day. I just wake up as terrified and confused as I was in my dream.

Lately, my dreams have gotten exciting. I was involved in an intergalactic coup last week. I still didn't save the day, but the details in the dream were amazing. The plots are intricate and mostly make sense. I wish I could remember more of them, but the longer I'm awake, the more I forget.