Pain, Can't Get Enough

I got my cartilage pierced today and it was glorious. My friend Kathie is a trained professional, I wouldn't have it any other way, and she did it for me. I suppose that makes her my drug dealer. The thing is, I love to get pierced. Please don't take that sexually because I mean it in the metal-rod-shooting-through-flesh-to-add-accesories way, not the penis-pounding-into-you kind of way. Everytime I get this done, this being the fifth time, I am filled to the brim with adrenaline and endorphins. Some have called me a masochist, others think that I'm covering an inner problem with my love of piercings. To both of them I say, touche. I do like the pain and that could be the inner problem I cover with the piercings, but I think that in the general scheme of things, I could be doing worse. I don't cut, I don't brood, I have no substance abuse problems. Plus now I can wear more bling. I see no issue.

When I Crack That Whip, Everybody Goin' Trip

So two things I've noticed lately:

1. My friends and family have started saying "pish" more and more. It's used to replace words like rediculous, crap, stuff, and even shenanigans. I am ever so proud.
2. The snow is improving my overall mood greatly. Some people get SAD in the winter but not me, I get giddy. I love the snow.

In The Mood

In my psych class, we learned about the nature of males and females. That girls try harder to be people pleasers at a very early age. It's actually why we are better at communicating than males. We speak because it makes people happy. Males are less caring about pleasing others so they do what they want - explore. That's why males crawl and walk faster. Women can recognize emotion before they even recognize that it's a face they are looking at. All in order to figure out how best to make the person happy, or to maintain their happiness. I think this is pretty accurate. I find myself basing decisions off of what other people (might) think. I want to make people happy all the time.

It's definitely something that everyone, male or female, does. I think it's mostly a subconscious thing, though. We live in a time when everyone has to be unique. Individuality is stressed as well as excellence. We are all supposed to shine.

But why is that? In earlier time in this past century, conformity was key. When women broke a few glass ceilings here and there there was more competition in the workforce and that competition now contained massive amounts of people pleasers. As a result, well all have to fight to shine because as women fill positions that men once held and men have to adapt to our natural disposition. It's all quite ironic.

You're Born of a Jackal

So I was thinking about jackals so I googled "scary jackals" and this was the first image to come up. Wow.

Just Live Your Life

My dad still isn't talking to me but it's made me realize one very important thing. When I made the decision to go to Colorado, I knew it was what I wanted to do. I was happy, I am happy that I went. As upsetting as it is that he is mad, I am still glad I made that choice. I lived my life how I wanted to. One of very few times I have done that. I have no regrets and that feels so good. Just blissful. Content. At peace.

I Tried To Fight It Off

So I went to the doctor yesterday and got some interesting, but not surprising, news. They don't know what's wrong with me. I have this rash all over my feet, legs, hands and elbows and they don't know what to attribute it to. I also have some absesses (sp?) on my legs, but apparently those are just infections so I'm on an antibiotic (Clindamycin) to fix that.

The fun part is, I get to go to a bunch of specialists to figure this mystery rash out. The dermatologist on Monday, the endocrinologist at the end of November (who knew there was such a long wait for one of those?), and the rheumatologist whenever I make the appointment.

The rash isnt even the part I have a problem with. Sure it itches for a few days, but that fades. I just feel so tired and weak. I've never felt weak in my life. It's quite disconcerting. I feel sick, which is new as well. Sure I've felt nauseous from time to time, but that's not what I mean. I feel like my body is trying to fix me and it's annoying. I'm lethargic and my muscles hurt now, which I was supposed to call my doctor if that happened but seeing as it's saturday I'll have to wait until monday.

My mom is being wierd and annoying, but my sister has taken to calling me her "sick angel" and I find that highly amusing.

I guess the only thing I'm hoping for is that when they figure this out, it's not an ailment that will last my entire life. I don't want to have to take medication everyday until I die.

You Make Me Feel Just Like A Child Now

I'm sooooo tired of being disregarded and passed up for oppurtunities. Fuck my life, I'm unhappy. I don't know if this is depression, I'm doubting that. My school just seems.....apathetic. All my friends are gone. I hate my job. My family is a mess. I just can't cope anymore. I think I've put up with this crapfest for long enough. I'm transferring and starting over. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Needle In The Hay

My room is so filled with stuff I have to plan my entrance around high tide. Today is the day, my friends, that I clean it once and for all. Laundry will be done, clothes folded, and actually put in the dresser. Amazing, I know. I'll find the few stray books not on my shelves. I might even get crazy and finish the accent painting around the top. Those stripes won't paint themselves. I can't wait to find all my CDs too. Those that need to be put on my Zune will be, too. I might even make my bed! Holy crap!

P.S. I'm in love. &&& This is the best love song ever. The Luckiest by Ben Folds. It's mesmerizingly beautiful.

These Are Just the Rules and Regulations

I went to Pharmacological and Medical Terminology class today and realized just how unnaturally interested I am in all things medical. That's not to say I wasn't bored to death in class, I just liked the actually valid parts. I can't tell you just how fascinated I was when the diagram of a neuron popped up on the PowerPoint. I learned how antideppressants work and how dopamine works and how if you don't get enough dopamine you can get Parkinsonian symptoms.

I guess people have to go to class to learn in an organized way instead of learning on the job. School is a means to an end.

Some Strange Machines Repeating Beats and Thumping Bass

I think there is something magical about apple tank tops. I own two. Every time I where one, someone says something along the lines of, "I quite enjoy your apple tank top." Which also happens when I wear my strawberry tank. Perhaps fruits and berries have this odd effect on people. I like them.

And, I know this happens to everyone, with few rare exceptions, but my hair is getting so long. I haven't really cut it since April of 2007 when I cut a foot off. By April 2009, it'll be as long as it was when I cut it. Which brings me to the question of whether or not I should keep growing it out. By then it will be so long I won't be able to brush it from top to bottom in one stroke unless my head is upside down, which totally defeats the purpose of brushing.

I'm wearing sweatpants.

......................................................................................................................................................................


Finally, to the point of my post. I have heard rumors of a magical combination of two of my favorite artists. Ben Folds and Regina Spektor. So basically...



+




=





It's one odd love child, but I like it. Not the video, but the song.

And It Makes Me Smile...

Sometimes I feel bad that I don't blog more often. But no one really reads this. Plus, I have nothing to say today. Well not yet, it's only about 40 minutes into today.

I shouldn't really say that I have nothing to say. Clearly I've already said something. Everything else I could say isn't entirely exciting/upbeat so I'm choosing to leave it out in an attempt to make this a happier blog.

Also, I miss going to concerts. I'll have to do that soon.

I'm Really Lucky Underneath It All

Lately, I've been having alot of firsts:

1. The first time I didn't consult my dad about a decision.


2. The first time he's ever been mad at me.


3. My first college experiences.


4. The first time I've been palpable financial supporter of my family.


5. My first flight totally alone.


6. The first time my mom has ever trusted me to do something for myself.


7. The first time I walked down the street holding the hand of someone I care about and not worrying about the barrage of questions I'll inevitably get because, for once, I really don't care who sees.


8. The first time I slept in someone else's bed, with someone who isn't related or a girl. Take that dad.


9. First kiss.

Sometimes I wonder if I put too much or too little on this blog. There is a place in my mind where I catalogue all my blog ideas and very rarely do I post them. I love that there are people who read this, but at the same time I wish no one did or I wish everyone did. I want people to know what I think or what happens to me, but I also wish everything was a secret. I guess I just want people to be interested.

This is the Way That We Love

So here are some pictures. My mom and my grandmother were frustrated that I didn't take more people pictures. I'm just a landscape kind of girl I guess.

The traffic to O'Hare.

An Elk, there were a plethora.

A waterfall and the alluvial fan. James fell down it. :P

View out of the back of the van on our way to Long's Peak.

Some cool yellow trees.

Just a shot I liked.

Some echinacea. I think that's how it's spelled.

Rocky Mountain High

So I just got back from this awesome vacation. All family drama aside, I had a great time and I think (other than the obvious) it was because it was 100% stress free. Of course, I loved who I was with and the mountains were gorgeous. I don't know, I think this was exactly what I needed.

However, I'm really tired. I'm going to bed. More on this later?

But I'll Grind Against Your Bones...

Well that was depressing. I guess I'm just doing what every other transitioning kid is right now -- complaining. Haha. I guess I'm just not happy with what I have. Sounds pretty ungrateful, right? I know, I can't help it. I just try to make everyone happy, and that's not the right thing I guess. I shouldn't worry what they think. Yeah I'm going to stop worrying.

I guess this spawned that last revelation.

It says (in case you can't read it):

1. Border guards are paid to be assholes. Just stay calm

2. Drug dogs aren't trained to detect

3. Boxes of shins.

Also:

I find this song creepily, disgustingly perfect. Thoughts?

I'm a killer

Cold and wrathful

Silent sleeper

I've been inside your bedroom

I've murdered half the town

Left you love notes on their headstones

I'll fill the graveyards

Until I have you

Moonlight walking

I smell your softness

Carnivorous and lusting

To track you down among the pines

I want you stuffed into my mouth

Hold you down and tear you open

Live inside you

Oh, love I'd never hurt you

But I'll grind against your bones

Until our marrows mix

I will eat you slowly

Ohhhhh

The horror of our love

Never so much blood pulled through my veins

Ohhhhh

The horror of our love

Never so much blood

I wake in terror

Blackbirds screaming

Dark cathedrals spilling

Midnight on their alters

I'm your servant

My immortal

Pale and perfect

Such unholy heaving

The statues close their eyes

The room is changing

Break my skin

And drain me

Ancient language

Speak through fingers

The awful edges

Where you end and I begin

Inside your mouth

I cannot see

There's catastrophe

In everything I'm touching

As I sweat and crush you

And I hold your beating chambers

Until they beat no more

You die like angels sing

Ohhhhh

The horror of our love

Never so much blood pulled through my veins

Ohhhhh

The horror of our love

Never so much blood

You're a ghost, love

Nightgown flowing

Your body blue and walking

Along the continental shelf

You are a dream among the sharks

Beautiful and terrifying

Living restless

We dance in dark suspension

And you bury me

In the ocean floor beneath you

Where they'll never hear us scream

Ohhhhh

The horror of our love

Never so much blood pulled through my veins

Ohhhhh

The horror of our love

Never so much blood

It's actually very funny to hear. I know it seems frighteningly macabre here, but it's desperate and funny. In my opinion.

Shake It Off

Lately, I have felt kind of lost. or stuck. Like I've spent my whole life as this awkward, chubby, green little caterpillar and I made my chrysalis after all this bullshit and then it's finally time for me to crack it open and get the hell out and I made it too strong and now I'm stuck. I can see the freedom, I can taste the freedom, but fuck-my-life I can't get to it.

I did all the things a high schooler should do. I did the homework (mostly), I paid attention (mostly), I got a job, I did the extracurriculars, I applied to the schools. Honestly, none of it ever felt right, but I still did it. It was the right thing to do. But here I am, at home, not away like I need to be.

But on the bright side, I am in school full time and working alot. I guess by staying, I'm saving money, which is definitly necesary. I guess the whole point of this blog entry is that I'm tired of being Mom #2 and cheuffer and bread winner when that doesn't fit my station in life.

Take A Bow

I need a new job! A real job! I'm sick of minimum wage and crappy work environments!

Silly Me for Thinking Honesty is Something Given Free

I find myself less and less able to lie when I want/have to. I've always been able to lie, totally believable every time. I suppose I should mention I hate lying, but am able to do it when the need arises. Maybe I'm tired of it. Lies take a wierd toll on my emotional balance.

It seems that lies and emotions are very closely tied, for me anyways. There is that little thrill when someone believes your lie or the dread that someone will find out you lied. Maybe I'm not cut out to deal with that. I like the care-free feeling of absolute honesty. I like telling my mom I need some "Katie time" or that "No, Becca, I don't want to shadow you while you shop so that you don't feel alone in a packed store. I don't have money or time to waste here." I think people think I get mean or catty, but that's not it at all. I want to be truthful. I want an honest life. I'm honest with everyone and I expect it back.

Are those expectations too high?

I have this list in my mind of all the pressing things I need to get done. I check them off as they are finished and it feels great. I finally got that list done when I realized that there are still things I need to do. I need to end all my lies. It kills me to lie anymore. I don't want to keep them up anymore. Maybe I'm being selfish, changing situations on people who think they have it all figured out. Sometimes, however, you have to take care of yourself first.

I Will Remember You

Hello my loves, I've just gotten back from a very long day that followed a very long trip. Try to keep up.

I left on June 27th for the U.P. of Michigan. I drove all the way up through Wisconsin with my brother, sister and neighbor in 7ish hours. That, my friends, is amazing timing. Of course, my brother refused to (but finally did) stop for our 3 ready-to-burst bladders, but I think that was just for the sake of amusement. And he was running out of gas. We spent a good hour driving up and down county (I'm not sure which) 480 looking for the cabin our family rented because my stepmom in the other car was about 3 hours behind us. I finally had to find out from a cute old couple that was walking thier miniscule dog. It was right in front of us. Poop.

We look around for a hide-a-key and then the old guy goes, "Is it open?" All I'm thinking is, "Who leaves an empty house unlocked for long periods of time?" Apparently the guy we rented it from does. It is the U.P. after all. So we break in and dibs our rooms and settle in for a few hours of teenage chillaxing before the brigade shows up. A few hours later my stepmom, little brother, aunt, uncle and cousin show up to make a total of 9 people in an 8 person cabin. Not too bad right? It'll get better later, trust me.

The next day everyone gets up at the crack of dawn for breakfast. I'm not quite sure why because it's vacation and I just assumed sleeping in was a prerequisite of not being at home. It's all for the best because our cabin was equidistant from all the stuff we wanted to do, the only wrench in the engine of that plan is that everything we wanted to do was at least an hour in any given direction. But I digress... We all pack up and pile into my aunt's Excursion to go to (it's a mouthful) Kitchitikipi. It's a spring that has some kind of acid in it that prevents alot of growth so you can see straight to the bottom. There is a raft with the middle cut out of it that travels along a rope across the lake. Here, take a look.

I took a video of it, but I have to wait for my stepmom to email it to me, I'll be sure to post it because I thought it was beautiful, maybe you will too.

Throughout the trip we visited a few waterfalls, but by far my favorite was (another mouthful) Tahquamenon Falls, particularly the lower falls. Although the upper falls are beautiful, the lower falls are more entertaining because we swim in them. You go down to the concessions and rent a row boat to take out to die island and from there we walk to where we get in. It's so much fun to walk out to the falls and climb through into this little, natural, wet shelf behind the water and be invisible to everything outside. We just crawl down to the bigger fall and jump out and slide down the river a bit. (I did convince everyone with me that I lost my bottoms when I jumped out). Brilliant. It's nature's little waterpark.

We go into the falls on the right where they aren't so huge. If you were to walk around the island there are another set of falls that you can climb up, then on the left are the bigger ones that I did climb down a few years ago, but not this trip.

My brother was driving us (Me, Becca, my neighbor) to get the fireworks on our way to see Hancock and nearly rolled Trailblazer with all of us in it. Miraculously, a nice Yooper with an F-250 pulled us out and then refused the money we offered him. We subsequentally picked up $500 worth of fireworks and saw our movie.

I did some shopping while I was up there and I purchased some, let's say, interesting items:

• One 118 year old Swedish bible. It has a picture of Martin Luther in the front so I'm assuming it's not the Catholic bible.
• A ceramic, although I originally thought it was wood, squirrel who I name Mr. Nuttington and was subsequently renamed Professor Nuttington. He had a Wii accident and had to be glued. Darn Uncle Larry.
• A Claddagh ring that I, as an Irish woman, was in desperate need of. It's on my right hand facing out, just in case you were wondering boys. wink wink.
• These awesome old sewing patterns that I found at an antique store (pretty much a barn full of old stuff).

Today, I did something somewhat stupid. I might have created a small fire. Maybe. I was preheating the oven for my cousins I watch and I didn't realize that my uncle stores stuff in his oven. Mostly cookie sheets and glass cookware, but the killer was a plastic platter. It caught fire while I was in the bathroom and when I got out the oven was spewing smoke. I got the kids and the dogs out of the house and called 911 and my uncle (who didn't answer) and waited.

The kids were so excited, they waved the firemen over and weren't scared at all. The firemen were really friendly too - petting the dogs, giving the kids stickers- I was impressed. All the neighbors came over to check on us, or find out what happened more likely. I sent the kids over to my house with my sister while I cleaned up a bit. The firemen tracked soot everywhere. The only damage was to the oven itself so that was good.

All in all, the last week and a half has been long and dramatic and I'm happy to be home.

Checkmarks

I'm such an idiot.

Another Turning Point

I've realized today that this little portion of my life, this summer, is the doorway. I'm not in high school or college. I'm crossing that threshhold in my life. Obviously it's not the only one, and I'm not the only one in one. It's just wierd to be totally undefined by an institution, even for a short period of time.

Now If She Does It Like This Will You Do It Like That?

I've noticed that when you go through one major life milestone people start to ask about all your other ones. Probably because these are cause for reconnection. Since my recent graduation people have been peppering me with questions.

1. Where are you going?
2. What are you studying?
3. Why? Why? Why?
4. What do you want to do?
5. Why do you have so much attitude?
6. So are you engaged yet? (interesting, to me anyway)
7. Do you have a boyfriend?
8. Do you have a job?
9. Where?
10. How much do you make?
11. Why are you still there?

What sort of rights do they think they have? I find it quite interesting that people I rarely or never talk to feel themselves to be worthy of the details of my life. Oh and it gets better. They have an opinion on all of it. That's the kicker.

Sometimes I wonder if somewhere someone decided I owe some allegiance to these people. Like I have to pay them a tithing of my life. Like they have some kind of ownership of me. Obviously human beings are relational and perhaps they are trying to cultivate some kind of rapport with me, but when I tell them all of this and they form an opinion, it's all for nothing. They go home after the cake and presents and forget or write off the events of the day. Or even better. They pass on everything to people I am 100% sure I have no ties to. Days later, I get some report from my mom of my aunt's coworker's daughter's life and how it relates to mine and what I should do similarly/differently to hers.

I know what you are waiting for, though. You want the answers too, right? Of course, human beings are curious. So here goes.

1. Harper College
2. Something math related, or science.
3. I'm good at it.
4. I want to be a doctor one day.
5. It's both a defense mechanism and a source of entertainment for me.
6. No. Although that would make my life so Days of our Lives it's not even funny.
7. Nope. Not for lack of effort.
8. Yeah.
9. A movie theatre.
10. $7.50 an hour.
11. How should I know? My friends I guess.

Why Won't You Have ... Me?

You Know:

S.O.S. Please, Someone Help Me

Ok, if you've ever seen Dane Cook's bit about the DMV, you'll understand the last 3 hellish days of my life. Just in case you haven't seen it, I'll provide it. You know that feeling he describes at about 57 seconds? Yeah. Imagine that for about 8 hours.




It's over and I'm $436.50 richer for 3 days of work. When they ask me to come back next year, I'm just going to throw my head back, laugh, and hang up. No Second Thoughts.

Without the Sour the Sweet Wouldn't Taste

Alright school's officially out and I've lost that "Leaping Lizards, It's Summer" feeling. That's not to say I'm unhappy with my summer, I'm just being much more responsible than I envisioned. For example, I have a 40+ hour work week, but I get to play with kids all day. Crazy kids, but kids none the less. Or. It's hot as hades outside, but the storms are so wonderful I could lay out in the rain for hours.

Also, I've discovered that cleaning is very cathartic. I've never enjoyed organizing so much in my entire life. In this magical sea of discoveries, I've also noticed that I have way too many shoes. It's nearing disgusting. They are all, of course, beautiful shoes, but there are just so many. I've created quite the Goodwill pile as well. Lots of clothes. Not nasty old gross clothes, alot of them are nearly brand new. Which disgusts me even more that I never wore them. Some thrifty cool person will buy them and enjoy them, I'm sure.

In addition, I have sunburn. It doesn't hurt, but it does feel like it's officially completely summer. So tommorow I'll have some sweet tan lines and feel all teenagery. Speaking of, I need some teenager time. I am either surrounded by kids or adults. Where are all my peeps?

Party tommorow! I need to go clean...pish.

Born Free, As Free As the Wind Blows

Ok, this is it. I'm fresh out of high school. 30 mins fresh. Graduation is just a superficial gift to the people who paid $30,000 over the course of 4 years so I could go to school.

Happiness is a Warm Gun

I'm beyond ready to get the hell out of my house. I need some money and some roomies and then a dash of freeedom. That's right, 3 e's. Excellent, eccentric, and maybe eggs.

I think we can both agree that this week is slowly ending my abilities to have thought. Send Diet Coke.

*angsty sigh*

Left Me No Choice But To Stay

I see this kid everyday. I noticed him a while back and I find him absolutly intriguing. No, I've never met him and I don't know his name. I just can't help but notice him; which is completly not what he wants. I can tell. The way he dresses, the way he acts. He looks like he just wants to fall into the walls and be left alone, unnoticed. By and large he is unnoticed because he is an underclassmen. The thing is, he is so beautiful. Handsome would be the wrong word here. He is just beautiful in the most honest sense of the word. I'm not attracted to him, but I just want to know about him. I know it sounds really wierd, but I can't explain it any better than this.

The Beautiful People

I kind of want my tongue pierced.


But I have lots of body mod whims like that.


But I liiiiiike it.


hmm.


EDIT: I think I just like being pierced. And taking my parents right to that comfortable-uncomfortable line. Mostly I like the getting pierced part though. It feels....good?

I'm not a masochist, I swear!

I Think We Have an Emergency

IF you post a comment, leave a name or something. I like to know who is reading this. It's cool if you are a stranger, Thank You! I just like to know.

Yes. This means you...yeah you...I can see your comments. Tell me who you are. We should be buds.

or be a jackass like that, you know, its cool.

To Where You Are

Today the world lost a great asset. That's all there is to it.

One of the greatest teachers my school has ever seen died this morning after being ill on and off for years. He was my freshmen year homeroom teacher, his last homeroom. I dont know why, but he took a liking to me that year. Ever since if he saw me in the hallway he would say, "How's it goin' Kate?" He was the only teacher who I ever told to called me that after the first time I asked him to. It took them time to get to know me, but he made sure he pinned me the first day and I respect that. He never missed a beat either. If I was having an off day, he always made sure to talk to me. He was a caring man, and alot of people didnt realize that. He came off so gruff and angry that few people saw the guardian that he was. Everything that man did was all for someone else. I never saw him do one selfish thing in four years. If you were slipping in his class he made sure you caught up, if you were doing well he made sure you knew he knew.

Losing him is going to be one of the greatest losses this institution has or will ever face. There are no replacements, no equals. He cared with every bone in his intimidating, loving body. He was a coach, a mentor, a teacher, an ally and a friend. I will miss him and I know how much the incoming freshmen will be missing out on.

I decided I'm not going to cry or fall apart. He wouldnt have thought that was right. Maybe I should just go sit on someone in his memory. :D

There's Things You Need to Hear

I (am):

1. Female, I think this explains alot.
2. 5'8"
3. Brunette?
4. Blue-eyed
5. Emotional. Alot of the time. Do I hide it well?
6. Always thinking. Much more than I talk, so you can imagine how much that is.
7. Secretive.
8. Ambitious.
9. Lazy.
10. Conflicting.
11. Relational.
12. Sassssssssy.
13. Love everyone, way too much, even if they don't deserve it.
14. Judge people in my mind, but when others do it verbally, I defend the victim. I feel this justifies it sometimes.
15. All I want to do is be myself.
16. Want others to always be honest, even if it would hurt me. Because I have to know.
17. Like to know everything.
18. Obnoxious, endearing?
19. Care about you.
20. Want to break all the rules, but I never break one.
21. Don't watch TV anymore.
22. Work at a movie theatre. I hate it most of the time, but I can't leave my friends. I have no hope of being promoted.
23. Love kids.
24. Have a look in my eye.
25. Seem more clever than I am, or vastly less intelligent than I am. No one really comprehends my mental capacities.

If you think of any more things about me, comment them. I Love To Know. (#16)

She Said, My Boy, It's a Dagger

Today:

1. I feel like crap.
2. I'm in a good mood.
3. I'm as lost as you are.
4. School is actually good for something. It's a magical distraction. Without it, I keep thinking of all the things I don't really care to think about.
5. This is what dance is coming to. It starts in Europe. It'll be here soon. Tektonik and then Jumpstyle.

I mostly posted the second one because I like the song.

Mr. Bojangles

I knew a man Bojangles and he danced for you in worn out shoes
With silver hair, a ragged shirt and baggy pants, the old soft shoe
He jumped so high, he jumped so high, Then he lightly touched down
I met him in a cell in New Orleans, I was - down and out
He looked at me to be the eyes of age as he spoke right out
He talked of life, he talked of life, he laughed, slapped his leg a step
Mr. Bojangles, Mr. Bojangles
Mr. Bojangles, dance!
He said his name, Bojangles, then he danced a lick across the cell
He grabbed his pants a better stance, oh, he jumped up high, Then he clicked his heels
He let go a laugh, he let go a laugh, Shook back his clothes all around
Mr. Bojangles, Mr. Bojangles
Mr. Bojangles, dance!
He danced for throws at minstrel shows and county fairs
Through out the south
He spoke with tears of fifteen years how his dog and him
Had traveled about
His dog up and died, he up and died, after twenty years he still grieves
He said I dance now at every chance in honky tonks
For drink and tips
But most of the time I spend behind these county bars
'Cause I drinks a bit'
He shook his head and as he shook his head I heard someone ask him
`Please'Please ..........
Mr. Bojangles, Mr. Bojangles
Mr. Bojangles, dance!
Mr. Bojangles, Mr. Bojangles
Mr. Bojangles, dance!

Genius Only Comes Along in Storms of Fabled Foreign Tongues

Today I wore polka dot socks. I really like them. When I grow up, will I still be allowed to wear them? Because they freakin win.

I figured out how to use the awesome notebook I bought.

Beating Heart, Baby

To update you my lovlies, today I took a mental health day. Basically woke up, drove my stepdad to the train, came home, went back to bed. I woke up a little later and decided I wouldn't be going to school today. I got back out of bed, drove my sister to her ride's house and went back home. I lazied about on the couch for a few hours and then decided (I have no idea why) to watch Something's Got To Give.

It was great.

After about a thousand people asking me why I wasn't at school and the movie, I took a shower. This shower, so impossibly amazing, got me thinking. If you've seen the movie I just mentioned, you might know why. Anywho, I was thinking. About life. Not the whole thing, but one aspect.

As you grow up, your parents (most likely) raise you. What does that mean, to be raised? They shape you and mold you and make you into who they think you should be. This is not only acceptable, but expected.

But then, as you get older, you start searching for other people. Friends. Lovers. What have you. This is where the rules change. No longer are other people allowed to try to mold you or change you. They should just accept you for the unique person you are. Right?

They don't though. Everyone has expectations they hold other people to. Everyone is influential whether it's intentional or subconcious. What if they say they accept you for who you are, if they believe it themselves, and then it turns out even they didn't know themselves well enough? They do want you to change. What if they don't like your pace or your choices? What do you do?

Is it that we spend our lives looking for someone who wants what we want or for someone who can accept what we want?

Haven't You Heard That I'm the New Cancer?

Think about it.

Oh, Canada

My breif piece of history. I'm Irish and a touch English, those blokes traveled to Prince Edward Island so now my sister is convinced she is Canadian, they came to good ole US of A. Then muuuuch later my great grandpa Hugo came to the US from Sweden. Yeah, I'm cool like that. Knowing my history.

Oh, Wonderful Caricature of Intimacy.

This post isn't meant to be a downer, I feel much better than my last post. It just seems to me that everyone who shouldn't break up is and everyone who should isn't. It makes zero sense to me.

My friends both just got dumped, and from what I could tell, they had been happy just days before. My family, however, has this huge rift and I'm way too cowardly to say anything about it. I'm honestly concerned about my mother's happiness right now. More later, I suppose.

Perfect Situation

I'm in a terrible mood. There is no other way around that. My mom is pissing me off, my sister doesn't care about anyone but herself, and there are a whole myriad of additional things that make me want to punch someone, anyone, solidly in the face and then go to bed. Perhaps for days.

I don't want to be touched.
I don't want to talk.
I don't want to go out.
I don't want to feel better.
I want to be angry for a while.

Move Bitch! Get Out the Way!

So here I am after school waiting for someone to do some crap for an extracurricular and I'm messing around online when my good friend Stephanie asks me quite the interesting question.

"Do you say biznitch?"
"ummm, on occasion?"
"It just seems like something you would say."

This is my life. I say biznitch and enjoy making plans with my grandma to get wasted in Canada. w00t.

I Know One Day We Will Sleep For Days

I had some massivly fricked up dreams last night.

1. I kiss a tall blonde guy, but no, not the one you are thinking of. Not any of you. You are all wrong. It was totally uncalled for. I was reading in bed this morning and wham! I remembered it. It was actually kind of funny because he told me I did it wrong.
2. This other dream wasn't bad at all, it was just odd. I must be reading way too much. I was in the car with my mom and she pulls up to this house I've never seen before and we go in and there is the guy I like and his whole family. Turns out he and his sister are some...I don't really know the word for it. Like not human......I don't know...spirit things....guardians sorta....I'm as lost as you are. My mother totally loves the lot of them and is mad I never told her. Yeah we know where this dream is going.

Second Chances, They Don't Ever Matter. People Never Change

Ok, so most of us are unaware of what I'm about to talk about. I'm not going into details, this is more about how I feel than what actually happened.

2 1/2 ish years ago something happened to me, and I was devastated. Honestly, truthfully, whole-heartedly (or broken-heartedly) devastated. I lost a brother, a best friend, and an ally. He was in all aspects of my life. He was family and friend, protector and counselor. Sure we acted like idiots most of the time, but he had my back. Or so I thought.

I thought, foolishly, that when he got his act together, we would be together again. I was so wrong. He has since cleaned up and grown up and I'm still alone. Sure there are other people in his same position, but they just aren't the same. I see him every so often and wish with everything I am that he would just come over. I want to forgive him, I want to be friends with him again. It kills me everytime I see him that I can't run up and hug him anymore because we are both too stubborn.

May will be the 3rd anniversary of the day we parted ways. If we haven't reconiled by then, I don't know if we ever will. It's making me lonely.

Everybody's Gonna Love Today, Love Today, Love Today

I'm doing laundry and I think I just might have found the cure for everything. I know, I know, you are very welcome. No charge, I assure you. Just go do your laundry. and blog. Do that too. It feels great. Laundry and blogs. Jesus. Crack. yeah.......

Seriously, what else do we need in life more than clean underwear and getting our thoughts out of our brains? not much, that's what. psh, food is for losers. Sure my room still looks like I sleep with pigs, but do I care? Not at all because I have clean clothes and you know what I think about it. Genius. :D

Narcissism!

Changed up the look today. I'll probably be playing around with it for a while. I would love love love thoughts and ideas, if you dont mind. Comment at will.

Is it too white? I'm concerned.

Run Away Runaway

So I stayed home today to clean my room and officially look like a hobo like everyone should when they stay home for spring break. Jeans, t-shirt, random shoes kind of look today. My mom goes, "What do you look so cute for?" ummmm, I don't? Similar comments from my stepdad on Saturday when I spent the night with my family.

Of course there weren't any "you look so good"s when I dressed up on Easter.

that's wack. wiggety wack.

Mother Superior Jumped the Gun

Math and Quilts

These woman combined 2 things I love, that's crazy bananas!

and my sister and I are going to be doing a blog together. It's called Duck Lip.

The Luckiest by Ben Folds Five

Love it, thought I should share.

I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here
And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest
What if I'd been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?
And in a white sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize
And I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest
I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you
Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
And passed away
I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong
That I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

A Good Person Somewhere Inside

So this marvelous weekend the fam and I sojourned up north to Lake Geneva, or more accuratly Lake Delaven. Some things of interest should be mentioned:

1. My sister and I decided to get all retro (at least as far as our short lives go) and wore matching dresses like our mom used to force us into as a little joke for her. I must say we were smokin'. My shoes were Purple. Hers were slightly slutty and way 40's, I will own them shortly.
2. My cousin is so quiet, even when he talks to me. I would say it cuts but I really can't say it does. It's just him. He is like a duck. Very tranquil as far as you can see, but working so hard under the surface. I like that this has finally dawned on me after 18 1/2 years.
3. My grandpa is a slightly racist, double-standard having southerner. Still love him. Wierd.
4. No R&R when on vacation.
5. I felt pretty for the first time in a long time.
6. I dislike my parents more and more and I should be way out of that angsty teen phase thing. We are just so different and the difference grows with time. Shouldn't it be gettng smaller?
7. I say hi to housekeepers and maintainance workers becuase I like them better than snooty guests and hostesses

We Don't Really Want to Kill Anybody, We're Actually Pretty Nice Guys

So periods are funny. Not so much the actual thing, but what they do. I think it's genius. Women naturally synch up with the other women around them. Sports teams, groups of friends, mothers and daughters all totally synchronized.

Perhaps, slowly, we are all synching up to overthrow Man's "dominance" in our lives. That one third week we'll all just rise up in the peak of moodiness, fed up with everything and take over the world like we deserve.

Perhaps. Watch out.

You've Got a Modern Loft, and a New Tattoo of Your Own Name

Stuff I realized today:

• As much as cardio activity is annoying to do, it feels GREAT later
• If socks cover my ankles, they sure as hell better cover my entire calf, or I'll fold them down.
• I enjoy my ankle bones, and the scars that float above them.
• I love drama, and art. despite the crazies that flock to both.
• I miss reading more and more the less I do it.
• I only like the Beatles as adapted in Across the Universe and I feel like a musical idiot because of it.
• Molly does crack, but she might just naturally produce it in her body. glands or some shit.
• Brothers are better than sisters for everyday uses, but sisters are like connected to your soul.
• I'm translating Hamlet into ghetto, and I'm not even concerned that it will be a bastard abomination.

Welcome to the Jungle

For four years, I've worked in the Drama Department and this year I decided to take on a role of great responsibility. I'm not complaining, I'm actually a little amazed about what happened yesterday and will continue on to today.

We had our costume parade. Today and yesterday are basically the days that the director of the production critiques and reviews all the choices I (and my crew) have made. It's slightly frustrating, but all in all, its very useful for me as a chief. (plus I love the satisfaction I get from giving that "I told you so" look to the moderators who overrided my choices)

Important things come up like how half the Ensemble is missing character shoes, yay, or how one girl has half a dress. that was exciting. I am, however, extremely proud of the progress we've made. The production is Kiss Me Kate, a big deal for our little group. All the costume changes and period pieces were hard to organize, but we have almost all of it finished.

I think it's the only time I've ever heard a guy go, "I'm so sick of racks."

P.S. Anne is making a thesis for her blockage

You Can Only Move As Fast As Who's In Front Of You

So today at school we had stations of the cross. For all those non-Christians out there it's basically the reenactment and/or story telling of Jesus' Passion and crucifixion. This is basic stuff for a Catholic school kid. I wasn't surprised when they said we had an assembly for it. To be totally clear, I go to a Catholic school, but that doesn't mean that everyone who goes to my school is Catholic.

Like always, I'm sitting with my friends in the senior section and the choir starts singing "Were You There?" It goes "were you there when they crucified my lord?" My friend (athiest) goes, "nope," and turns to me, "were you?" in a sarcastic tone. This really got to me.

I never judge anyone by their religion, or anything else but their actions. The fact that she sat next to me and basically mocked one of the most solemn moments in my religion irked me like you would never beleive. When I didn't answer her she repeated the question and I just looked up and gave her a half smile. I wasn't going to bitch her out in the middle of churchnasium.

This has never happened to me before. Of course I've gotten crap for being Catholic, but never have I been so hurt by it. Maybe because she is my friend and she knows why I beleive what I do. Maybe because I just expect my friends to respect me.

To the uneducated observer, you could almost call my beleif system moral relativism. It's not. There are standards I hold all people to, but they aren't specifically because of my faith. They are basic moral codes that (almost) all faiths subscribe to. I don't judge others by what they beleive in and I expect people to get to know me before they pass judgements on me. It just doesn't seem fair that after years of friendship, I get this.

So Hard to Be Good, It's So Hard to Be Good

Yeah, I'm so sick of playing by the rules. However, I'm not quite sure rebellion suits me. More on this later.

Whatever it is, Spit it Into a Bottle and Sell it to Me.

cantelope - molly
apple - megan
boob - dee
bear - mike g
book - jen
hamster - kevin
fish - david
cat - mike d
book - ashley
dog - ally
Sean - dan
Dan - sean
computer - Mrs. Lach
Jesus - matthew
cat - tom
cat - nate
gun - ben
marshmellow - alexa

so i was bored in free period so i decided to ask people to name a noun and this is what these clever folks came up with.

My Sweetest Downfall

Life Pros:

• I'm alive
• I laugh alot
• I'm loved
• my hair is getting longer
• I figured out who my friends are
• my art project looks boss
• I'm reading some good books
• my family is around, and there for me. (even if they piss me off with concern)
• my spring break will be awesome no matter what happens
• it's getting warm out
• I'm home alone

Life Cons:

• I'm sick (again)
• someone is telling secrets
• I'm behind in school
• I dont have my own car anymore
• I'm poor
• my room is messy
• I dont know where I'm going to school
• I'm home alone

I Hope You're Out There, Look at Me Now.

So lately I've noticed that most things I need fall more and more into my responsiblity instead of that of my parents. I'm going to go with that's a good thing. To me, it seems like they now think of me as an adult. An adult who they trust, warily.

Or I figured out I can't always depend on them for everything I need. For example, I needed textbooks. Sure my mom got me some of them, others she didn't get. I'm not even sure why she got some and not others, trust me, cost wasn't the issue there. So this semester when I needed a new book, I went out and bought it without even thinking to mention it to her. I didn't even realize I should until I already placed the order.

Sometimes it bothers me because I feel like I shouldn't have to get things like that on my own. Other times I feel like it is my job to ensure I have things like that. People trust me with their kids, so I guess I'm not much of a kid anymore as it is. Transitions are wierd feeling.

I'm Bringing Sassy Back

yeah it's pretty much awesome.

"You Don't Get It Because You Were Never There"

I dont like it when my mom isnt happy, but I like it when she puts my stepdad in his place. At least she understands.

Let Me Be the One You Call to, Baby, All the Time

12/12/07
So I figure you should know that I love you. I've been in love with you for months and I just couldn't say it. Everytime you say you love me my heart stops and, for a second, I can't breathe. Trust me, it's not a bad thing because it makes me feel alive. You make me feel alive. The cute way you freak out when I get hurt or the way you always get what I mean. My heart aches when someone hurts you. All I want to do is hold you in my arms and never leave you. But you need to know, I can't always be there. I can't always put you first. It kills me because I know that's what will happen.

weird to look back huh?

76 Trombones and a Crucifix

1400+ pairs of Birkenstocks shuffle into Churchnasium. All the sheep wearing their gleeming red, white, and blue polos. Perfectly pleated, ironed khakis and polyester skirts find their way to chairs and bleachers.

4 Blue Ribbon Awards.

That's right, our school is perfect. Groomed. Bred. Paid for. Pedigrees are practically screaming at you.

Our choir sings for the bureacrats. Jazz band does its best. I'm proud.

Look. Look how we smile. We can clap at all the right places. We love each other. We are a community. We watch out for each other. We have each other's backs.

And then, I remember. The man they proclaim as "the best principle in the country" kicked my sister to the curb. Oh my aunt & 2 uncles too. Raging hypocrite. I'd hate to see the other principles.

I'm done being angry now. 4 more months and I'm free.

I'm So Tired of You, America

Sometimes I want to move away, to a beautiful country free of scumbags. Other times I just want a snowcone.

Break It Out

so, I've been in my first serious accident (I dont think fender benders count) and I am no worse for wear. My car, the pimpcar, is not. She is most definitly finished, Im crushed. She was the best car on earth.

Now it's all about calling and seeing what, if any, money i'll get for her so I can get a new car. *sigh* Why?

The Status Quo, or Pro, Depending on How You Look At It.

so today I'm once again in Adobe InDesign CS3, procrastinating like always and this is how I am.

• spinny chair
• untucked shirt
• illegal hoodie on
• Psychology homework out
• hair down
• sitting on my feet
• blogging

I think it's ok, I mean it is Friday after all.

The Book Thief and Some Quotes I Liked

1. She was a girl. In Nazi Germany. How fitting that she was discovering the power of words. (pg. 147)
2. So much good, so much evil. Just add water. (pg 164)
3. Even death has a heart. (pg. 242)
4. It was the beginning of the greatest Christmas ever. Little food. No presents. But there was a snowman in their basement. (pg. 312)
5. Sometimes I imagined how everything looked above those clouds, knowing without question that the sun was blonde, and that the endless atmospere was a giant blue eye. (pg 350)
6. They were French, they were Jews, and they were you. (pg 350)
7. It's amazing what you can peice together from a basement conversation and a reading session in a nasty old woman's kitchen. (pg 421)
8. It kills me sometimes, how people die. (pg 464)

Holding on to Silly Things, I Never Learn

haha. I'm at school. I'm in Adobe InDesign CS3 right now. I'm a badass.



So we are learning about all these tools, and features and all I want to do is go home and sleep or clean my room and live my life and make money so I dont have to worry anymore about all this other crap that I dont have time to do because I'm at school from 7 to 2.



I do, however, know it's important. I'm not going to drop out or anything because I don't feel like being here. Restless is the word of the week I think. I feel restless at school because I want to be done, and I'm literally restless, as in free of any rest. I'm not even that unhappy about it, it's just a hassle.

new fun word to say: bojangles

This hassle does have a funny consequence though. Like today, I got dressed for gym (I didnt have to, we werent dressing for gym today) and after class, as I'm changing back, I realize I forgot to pack my skirt. hallelujah. I would forget my skirt. So I skip off to the Attendence Office so I can go home to get it. None of my parents answer the phone. Great. Finally I call my dad and he tells them I can leave and off I go to trugde 2 blocks to my car to go home.



I get to my car and it has a flat. Not a low tire, but a FLAT one. Even better. No biggie, really. I drive to the gas station and put some air in it and it's fine. I go home, find my skirt, check an email haha, and go back to school. Oh I grabbed some breakfast too, strike while the iron is hot I say. I get to school just as first period ends and yay it's free period.



That probably saved my life. God I love those girls. Between them getting frustrated with Mahjong of all things, and then me being an idiot on TBF and Facebook, I can't remember a point when we aren't laughing.

Fidelity: A Metaphor for a Sad, Sad Friend

I was born and I was whole. See, but then I grew and I began to learn. The more I grew the more I realized. Then I got a cut. I thought that like other cuts it would go away. It, however, was quite persistant. Soon it bled, and then once i felt better, it began to close. Sure over the years it broke open and bled again, always to heal, but always to scar. Then I really started learning and the more the cut reopened and bled, and less and less it healed.

One day, before I could stop it, it ripped open and I couldnt control it anymore. In an explosion of pain, I realized this would not heal at all, or at least not before alot of pain. I couldnt do anything, I couldnt say anything, just stand and wait. Trying to be as unemotional as possible in the face of my attacker.

Then I let go, and slowly but surely the cut began to close, it began to heal. So slowly. So slowly I feared that something else would come to kick me when Im down. Yes, there were bumps and the potholes of life cropped up, but no damage too extensive.

And then, without warning, the healing took off. The end was in sight, I knew I'd be whole again.

Or so I thought.

Blow after blow, the cuts just kept coming. I couldnt stop them, and I thought, foolishly, Id be ok. As long as I had what I knew I needed, Id be ok. This hole, this wide gaping burning hole refuses to close. Suddenly it starts to open more. I struggle to hold myself together. Thank god I hold fast.

Ok bad moment, its healing, but with less reassurance. it wants to close, to heal, to scar, but its afraid to waste its time if another attack is coming. My body, like me, cant see the future.
So warily it heals. I dont have to hold on.

I'll just keep on keeping on because its all I was ever good at anyway.

I'd Like to Say Hello, Good Day, That is My Name

Sch00l is back in session and let me tell you my friends, it has been sweet. My schedule is as follows:

1. Early Bird Gym
2. Homeroom
3. World Literature
4. Free Period
5. Adobe In Design CS3
6. Art 4
7. Advanced Concepts/Pre-Calculus
8. Psychology
9. Nothing, I have early dismissal!

Oh baby baby, it's a breeze. Seriously, I have 100% confidence that this semester will be the perfect ending to a less than stellar school career. I even got a parking space today. It was amazing. I'm doubting anything can get me down. I even ankle deeped it in a tiny snow bank and I'm chipper.

Plus, lots of guys I know got really short hair cuts and the little fuzzy hairs are fun to rub. They dont like it that much, oh well, they can deal, it's what you get for looking like a chia pet.

We Lay, We Lay Together, Just Not Too Close, Too Close

Everyone always says you can't pick your family and then they laugh and you pretend you appreciate why your family is wierd or annoying. And then, my friends, you have days like I had on Sunday. You know, I really do try to find the silver lining and appreciate the irony of life, but even I can't fathom the motivation for what my relatives do.

Let us start from the beginning shall we? I get up sunday in a rather pleasant mood as my previous post would suggest. I get dressed, wake up my sister to minimal beating, so far it's a good start. I'm off to work where my favorite coworkers are there to laugh with. Still going strong with the good day. I make a killing during my shift AND I'm even. Can you hear the Hallelujah chorus? I try to get off early, but I dont. No biggie.

I get home, everyone is chill. Grab a bowl of soup, and wabam! I'm blindsided by some very aggravating and tragic news. My grandmother, well stepgrandmother, tried to commit suicide.
what the freaking fuck?

Obviously I havent reacted in the correct manner, but can you help how you feel? All I can think is how incredibly selfish it was. I dont want to get into the details, but seriously, its unfathomable to me.

Katie, not happy. right here. right now. anger, anger, anger, sadness. apathy. once again, I deal.

We Were Born For This

Today I discovered something that, previously, I would have deemed stupid/gross/lazy to actually be extremely enjoyable. Right now, right this very second as I am posting this, I am sitting in my spinny computer chair in my underwear and my Ben Folds T-shirt. AND it's amazing. Pants you ask? for wimps I say! and now I have to get ready for work. lameness!!!

Rest Will Find Us, We Belong Here

It's Friday afternoon, and today is looking mildly tolerable. I broke out a bottle of sparkling cider and split it with my seven year old brother. For a bit I was wallowing in self pity and angst on the whole college thing. I really want to get a yes, but I'm scared. Then I went out to check on my brother and....a tickle fight ensued. Yeah I'm a grown up. Wierd how playing with a little kid
can make all your worries go away. Or maybe it's just me. haha. I guess it just put alot of things in perspective.

"Children are life." - Denzel Washington

I think he was right. Is it going to end my life if I dont get into the school I want? no. Will I be sad? of course. I still have him, I still have my family and my mind and what else do I really need? It's just that time of year when everyone freaks about Christmas presents and New Year's kisses and that's all fun and good. I dont know, sure I posted about commercialism but I didnt forget about family and all the important stuff that is idealized by the holiday season.

Now that all the stress is over and I can have a relaxing last semester and really enjoy myself like I havent been able to for a long time. For the first time in a long time, I'm looking forward with actual stress-free happiness. I have my friends, my job, my life and I'm happy with it all.

Everytime this happens, it is subsequently followed by a period of extreme stress and anxiety like, for example, how you would feel moving away from your family to a huge school and knowing no one. However, I choose to ignore this inevitability and proceed blindly forth with a false sense of security for 7 more months of ignorant bliss. yay!